DH telling pointless lies

[doolallysally1]

I really need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t think IBU but DHs reaction is making me feel like I’m crazy.

Here’s a little context before the AIBU (all names mentioned have been changed)

About five months ago DH and I took a walk through a local beauty spot near where we’d recently moved. He points over an area of woodland and says ‘XX from work said he saw an adders nest there’. ‘Oh’ I say, not knowledgable on local wildlife but thought it odd and retained that as an interesting tidbit.

Next contextual detail (bear with me): a few months later, DH comes back from the school run saying he walked back with one of our neighbours who live opposite us who’ve got kids the same age as ours. Said his name is Antonio and he’s from Malta— really cool guy. I log this info away as I see Antonio on the school run and often his wife too.

Then, a few months after that, we’re all in the car and I tell DH that I’ve posted Christmas cards for our families and written them out for the neighbours too— I’ve done XX and XX next door etc etc and Antonio and Belinda (I’ve since found out his wife’s name). DH laughs at me and says ‘Antonio isn’t his name lol I made that up’.

??!?!

‘What do you mean you made it up?’
‘Yeah it went on longer than I meant it to but I made that up. He’s from Malta but his name isn’t Antonio, I dunno what he’s called’

I was genuinely speechless. Thankfully I’d not addressed the card to Antonio and Belinda (I put ‘all at number XX’) but I SO easily could have. It was such a pointless, mean spirited lie that would only serve to seriously embarrass me. He literally saw me writing out the neighbours Christmas cards and didn’t think to mention it then?! I pressed DH on it further (ie why on earth would you do that?!) but he seemed to find it weird that I wouldn’t let it drop (‘it was just a joke chill out’) and I could feel that it was about to become an argument. So in the interest of not ruining the day I let it go but have seethed quietly over it since.

NOW the AIBU. Today we went to that same beauty spot as above for a walk with DC and DH wanted to go slightly off piste. I noticed the area he was heading in the direction of and casually said ‘isn’t that where so and so saw the adder’s nest?’ He furrowed his brow at me and went ‘what?’

I repeated myself and he shook his head and said no he never said that and ofc there aren’t adders here? I pressed the matter, saying yes you said so and so saw an adders nest here. It was about five months ago. He then shrugged and said he made it up.

I then made some gestures over DCs head to see if this weird behaviour was in the interest of not scaring the kids with the thought of snakes (although theyre definitely too young to know what an adder is) but he grew more and more irate saying no, he didn’t know what I was talking about and he probably just made it up.

I then told him I was really annoyed with him because I KNOW he said it and that would be the second pointless lie he’s told me (I reminded him of Antonio) and I’m fed up with it. He told me ‘if you’re going to be like that then go home’ and I, aghast at the total lack of repentance (and freezing bollock cold) said fine but I need the keys and he then threw them at me!!

I stormed off and DC followed, upset, and DH soon after appeared but instead of apologising told me how he didn’t want to even spend the weekend with me and he’s absolutely furious with me for ruining the day?

Did I get worked up over nothing?

This is horrible. He complains and lies about you on WhatsApp to his family? How do you deal with that?

This rings very true. His dad flies off the handle at every minor inconvenience (and so does DH tbf) so it makes sense that he might just be telling random lies to cover himself.

How do you deal with this flying off the handle, @doolallysally1 ? Sounds very hard to live with.

What else has he lied about? Compulsive liar!

Sorry op but he sounds like a dick. How can you believe anything he says if he can invent such trivial little lies for no reason?

What do you mean he’s lied plenty of other times? The fact that you were able to get to the bottom of it those times is surely irrelevant? He’s clearly a pathological liar!

You are right to be very wary OP. He lies easily and without remorse, not good traits .

Your husband sounds really weird OP 🥴

Another one whose DP does this. Sounds like it is pretty common. Latest was yday. He did a workout before dinner. A Joe Wicks HIIT type thing. Came in afterwards and told me how it was full of high energy cardio and he was knackered, there was absolutely no floor work atall. Yet I was cooking dinner and could see him working out. Many times when I glanced at him he was doing crunches or glute bridges or planks etc. I don’t care either way, totally pointless lie. I just let these things go or we’d forever be arguing. I try not to “sweat the small stuff” but it does make me wonder WHY!?! And what else he is therefore lying about that does matter.

Him going full DARVO on you is not good OP.

Trust is a key component of a committed relationship and your husband is eroding that.

I don’t think you can change liars.

I think men of a certain age get like this mostly from boredom so have to find simple things to entertain their little minds lol they mean it harmlessly while it irritates the shite out of everyone else……..

It could be just an ''imagination'' thing re. the adder's nest - something a bit fanciful that came into his head that he vocalised - not really lying as in wanting to deceive for a reason. Also with the ''Antonio'' thing - as already said - a bit of a jokey name for someone from Mediterranean area.

My exhusband often lied when we were married but we were the same age and had known each other from age 20 so he was limited in how far he could go because I generally knew when he was talking bollocks. His second wife was 17 when they met ( still married to me ) he was 30. The lying started to ramp up. She believed everything he said because she was young and madly in love with him. That marriage ended in divorce many years later. She realised most of it was a lie at that point. He set himself up on the Bumble dating app and the lying to the final girlfriend became enormous. He had apparently been to Oxford University ( he went to Merton tech not Merton college Oxford), he was CEO of Triumph motorcycles. He had actually been unemployed for 10 years. He had a house in France ( photos of someone else's lovely house on his phone) and a house in the Cotswolds. He was actually running down his pensions and staying in budget hotels until it ran out . He was estranged from his 3 children,his sisters and his mother Eventually he killed himself. Two friends came to the funeral. They said that he had always lied and they hadn't challenged him on it because 'well its just how X is isn't it' They wished they had called him out

Dunno what the answer is, but, personally I wouldn’t believe a damned word that came out of his mouth from here on in! Each time he said something I’d just give it ‘righto’ with a sceptical lilt and a raised eyebrow, but I am a passive aggressive bitch who really wouldn’t have time for the BS and the deflection he’s shown so far!

Not a spouse but I had a parent who was like this my whole life. Showed a lot of narc/gaslighting behaviour. They got to their 40s and it really upped, with anger if you questioned their ever changing stories or little details. They were eventually diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s - it does happen but it’s very rare. Likely he’s just being an arse.

My first thought would be that he's just forgotten those inconsequential items. Do you actually know that the neighbour is not called Antonio? And that there isn't/ wasn't an adder's nest? Both DH and I have good memories and are frequently baffled when neighbours or friends have no recollection of things even from just a year or two ago. We'll be checking with the other one who has an identical recollection, so we know it's them not us. For example, the other week I mentioned a park trip in lockdown with kids climbing trees, neighbour flatly denied they and their kids were there "think you've mixed up with someone else", I checked and showed photos. It's inconsequential either way, and neither were lying, it's just that recollections differ.

Lying about going to the pub is deflection and I wouldn't like that at all; I guess you don't allow him to go. If you call him out but laugh it off and arrange for each of you to get time off, then maybe you can start to knock it all on the head a bit.

Nope.

I would be keeping the clenched jaw until the decree absolute.

I would not be able to live with this level of infantile behaviour.

Although you said he doesn't lie day to day, how the hell would you know? You wouldn't have known about the leaving work early if you hadn't had tech.

This is who and what he is. I would never be able to feel affection or romantic towards someone like this so it would be over for me.

A little extra.. The final girlfriend had parents who had met at Cambridge University. My exhusband spent an hour and a half chatting to them about his time at Oxford University. Oxford and Cambridge have many similarities and are completely different in their ways and traditions from other unis. Most liars would have swerved the subject as quickly as possible. He didn't. He told them all about the subject he had studied, where he had lived and who with, the famous people who were there at the same time. It was all absolute bollocks. He didn't have a degree from anywhere never mind Oxford and he had never lived in the city

My exH used to lie about the time . If I was busy doing something but wanted to know the time , he'd answer , for example 'It's half past twelve' and I used to think Jeez, it's taken me two hours to change the beds etc .

He just couldn't be bothered to look but I didn't find out until it happened quite a few times . He thought it was hysterical !

We are now divorced but it wasn't because of that !

when they start telling bizarre lies to start an argument it often means they are cheating…did he leave after your “crazy behaviour”?

he sounds pretty abusive and you might need to start getting ducks in a row :(

I would remind him about the boy who cried wolf.

It’s deeply disrespectful and I’d be wondering if he’s lying about money or lying about you or the kids to other people, and it would be awful for him to lie to his children.

Does he hold down a job? If he’s this pathological a liar he’ll be lying at work too and he’s either going to be in serial employment or constantly finding colleagues don’t like him.

If you go on forums mainly used by men (car ones for example) you see men say they routinely lie to have a quiet life. Generally it's about the cost of things but they really don't care and often see the women in their lives are just another thing to manage or an irritant.

I would seriously think about my future in your situation.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t think IBU but DHs reaction is making me feel like I’m crazy.

This is what happens when someone gaslights you. Which is what he’s doing, whatever his motivation. It’s classic gaslighting. Telling you a lie as if it’s true and then pretending he didn’t lie. It makes you feel completely crazy.

Your biggest concern should be the fact he flies off the handle (i.e. loses his temper with you) like his father (learned behaviour) and his reaction to you challenging him on the adders nest. Telling you to go home, throwing car keys at you and blaming you for ruining the day. And all in front of you DC! Which, naturally upset them. And all because you challenged his lie. So he’s gaslighted you over that too.

At best, he’s disrespectful to you. At worst, he’s abusive.

IMHO you need to set very clear boundaries:

1. He needs to tell you the truth at all times. Because there are now many occasions when he’s lied (pub, park run, adders, neighbour). This has breached your trust. So it’s his responsibility to rebuild it.
2. He must keep calm in disagreements, especially in front of the children. He must not ‘fly off the handle’, throw things at you or tell you to go home. If he does, you’ll calmly remove yourself from his presence with the children.
3. He must have respect for you. If you’re pregnant and feeling unwell, he shouldn’t put his need to do a park run first, at v least without discussion. If he tells further lies and you challenge him on them, he should expect this and respect you for it. Not turn the blame on you for challenging him.

The Antonio and adder lies are extraordinary. He sounds like the kind of guy who thinks it’s funny to wind women up, by making up stupid stuff. One who hasn’t realised that’s teenage behaviour and not acceptable or attractive in an adult.

If he reacts badly to the boundary setting, you’ve got a big problem.

Blimey. That’s a shocking and tragic story. I’m so sorry you and his other wives went through all that.

It’s two examples of her husband telling stupid lies, they’re ridiculous obviously , but the number of people on here diagnosing him as a narcissist is also ridiculous. It’s seems anyone who had a break up is breaking ip with a narcissist 🙄

The thing about it is, and I speak as someone with an ex who did this, you have caught him out with a few but there will be many others you have just accepted as truth and still think of as truth. When you can't trust your partner to be truthful, the relationship is fucked.
Truth and trust matters or we base our relationships on falsehoods, are manipulated, humiliated and uncertain.