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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
Beamur · 04/01/2025 15:14

Yep. Ten years of aspirations need to be underpinned now by actual steady earnings!

Dobbythechristmaself · 04/01/2025 15:15

Tell him that you have been a supportive wife but that time is over and not only are you not supportive, you’re not willing to be his wife anymore. And get a divorce. 10yrs of that shit is more than enough.

RobinHood19 · 04/01/2025 15:16

What does he do all day? Is he actually researching or preparing something for his projects, or does he do that for a couple of hours then sit on the sofa and watch TV?

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 15:17

It’s time to leave this looser behind OP. You are his cash cow and he isn’t going to change. 10 years!! Time to make changes.

festivemouse · 04/01/2025 15:17

I mean I'd say he is a bad person - how can he be a great dad, your best friend etc when he's willing to cost you tens of thousands of pounds, put you under such pressure for so many years and potentially put his family to ruin?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2025 15:18

He's a gambler. And you've trained him to train you to support that.

Hard conversation time. But only if you will 100% stick to it.

Chowtime · 04/01/2025 15:19

YANBU if you mean it.

orangewasp · 04/01/2025 15:20

I would have no respect for this fantasist. Your ultimatum is a fair one.

cordeliavorkosigan · 04/01/2025 15:21

YANBU at all. It was probably unreasonable to let this go on for so long but that ship has sailed. You have to protect yourself and your DC from this endless loss of substantial amounts of money!
Job or divorce.

PussInBin20 · 04/01/2025 15:23

10 years! You’ve got to be kidding!

Shetlands · 04/01/2025 15:24

"I'm getting to the end of my line."

Your line is a lot longer than mine and probably most other people's. You've been a saint to tolerate the last 10 years and you deserve a much better life than being dragged down by this lazy, lying waster.

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

RobinHood19 · 04/01/2025 15:16

What does he do all day? Is he actually researching or preparing something for his projects, or does he do that for a couple of hours then sit on the sofa and watch TV?

Edited

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

OP posts:
Indicateyourintentions · 04/01/2025 15:25

Ten years is a lot of support. He cannot argue with that. He needs to bring in some money too to support you.
Projects are all very well but that is why they are called side hustles. He needs to woman up: job, side hustle and half the domestics.

Starrypjs · 04/01/2025 15:26

Yes.
Without hesitation.
Today.
He’s going nowhere fast and dragging you, your children and your parents down with him.

ilovepuppies2019 · 04/01/2025 15:26

Heavens. You’ve been the most supportive fire imaginable for 10 years. Far, far more supportive than I would have been. Now it’s his turn to be a supportive husband and father by preventing his family falling financial ruin.

Turn it around on him. You and his children need him to be a supportive husband and father by contributing financially. That’s what his family need right now. You and your daughter have the greater need as your need to stay housed and fed so he must support you. I would be very clear that your non stop support for ten years has drained you of money, energy and hope. There is no more support for you to give because he has run it dry. I would then give him a date by which he needs a job in order to pay the tax bill or you’ll divorce. Then follow through with it.

Shetlands · 04/01/2025 15:26

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

That's not work, it's self-indulgent fantasy.

Supersimkin7 · 04/01/2025 15:28

You’re his meal ticket.

Don’t broadcast this, but reduce his access to as much money as you can. Your salary into your account, etc..

He doesn’t want to support himself, let alone his children or wife, and he won’t. This is awful for you OP, but you might have to 🥾.

outerspacepotato · 04/01/2025 15:28

He's been living off you for 10 years. Of course he thinks the free ride is going to continue, you have gone a long with it for a decade while he "works" on vanity projects.

He's taken significant sums that could have been put into your child's education, your retirement, that could have made differences in your lives.

This isn't a good guy. He's a selfish man who doesn't want to contribute to the family. He's a user.

I mean, you borrowed money from your parents to support him.

DreadPirateRobots · 04/01/2025 15:29

Strip away all the guilt tripping and the cheap verbiage about big things coming, and what this situation boils down to is:

  • he hasn't worked in ten years
  • he's ruined you financially.

On that basis: YABU not to have told him to get a job or hit the road long ago. He's a fantasist. If his passion projects are going to pay off, they can still pay off around his Tesco shifts.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/01/2025 15:30

So these 'projects' aren't actually paying anything at all? Then they aren't projects, they are hobbies. He can do them in his spare time, like everyone else.

ThisNattyFish · 04/01/2025 15:32

10 years is a really long time to make a go of something. If he hasn’t by now I don’t think he is ever going to.
Unfortunately I don’t think he is ever going to see it like that and he’ll always think the current idea is the one that will make his fortune.
That’s a very difficult place for a relationship because if he does get a job he will likely always resent you taking away his dream as much as you resent the fact he’s wasted time, money and your support over the last decade.
It might be more of a case of you deciding if you can live with him like he is and then go from there.

purplecorkheart · 04/01/2025 15:32

I had a relative who sounds like your dh. Always working on a project that was going to make him a millionaire but it always fizzed out normally when he had spent a massive amount of money on it. It was always someone else fault too never his.

You need to have a very serious talk with him. He needs to get a job and stick with it although I don't really fancy his chances tbh. He is ten years out of the workplace and by the sounds of things accountable to no one. If he gets a job he is going to find it hard to have a boss etc.

I think you need to reflect on your relationship and see what he brings to it or would you be better off single.

My relative passed away a few years ago. His widow is quite open about how less stressful her life is without his projects and the money wasted on them.

Clarinet1 · 04/01/2025 15:36

Years again I was in a similar situation with a DP (although not quite as severe and we had no DC (he had one from a previous relationship)) so I identify with your feelings of desperation! He had a creative interest (won’t say quite what as could be outing) and he seemed set on pursuing this when we were scratching around for rent and food and I was in a relatively good job but doing about 4 hours commute every day. I would point out ads for staff in shop windows when we were shopping but he refused to go in and ask.
The relationship limped on for a bit and I decided to move nearer my job as the commute was both tiring and expensive. What happened within days of my moving? He got a job in a shop - a relatively specialist shop which did use his interests and qualifications but a shop nonetheless. As far as I know he is still working in a similar field.
In your case, I think you have to either make it very clear that you will leave if he doesn’t get a reliable income stream of some sort (set a deadline and perhaps a target for applications per week) or you just leave as soon as possible. He may want to live in Cloud Cuckoo Land but he can’t make you!

Edited for bad predictive text!

MissUltraViolet · 04/01/2025 15:37

He isn’t your best friend, he’s using you. He isn’t a good father, he is taking money away from his family, taking food out his child’s mouth, putting his child’s home and security at risk.

Why on earth have you put up with this for so long? Your credit is trashed, what’s next? What would’ve happened if your parents were unable to bail you out the last time?

Tell him now, you’re done. He has 4 weeks to find employment or move out. End of conversation.

Bananalanacake · 04/01/2025 15:38

I'd be really annoyed at the loss of 60K, did he earn any returns at all on this?
Yes, put your foot down, he needs to work, can he drive, how about delivery driver work.

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