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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 08/01/2025 17:25

Another one who thinks he can pursue his dreams on someone else's dollar. I'd give him a month to get a job and keep it or end things. We would all like to work on projects rather than the hard graft of working for a living.

You've put up with this for 10 years! Before you know it he will want to retire.

HomeTheatreSystem · 08/01/2025 17:31

Don't take your foot off the gas on this one. Applying for a job and seeing it through to bringing in some money for the family is a long road.

PrincessScarlett · 08/01/2025 17:34

Wow! He's squandered £60k of your money and left you with a bad credit rating. And 10 years!!!!!! Honestly, he sounds like a complete waste of space.

It's great he's said yes to getting a job. But please be wary OP. He may find it difficult to get back into employment after 10 years (how is he going to explain why he's not worked for so long?) or may sabotage his interviews so he does t have to work. He needs to be prepared to accept ANY job. Not working is not an option.

And don't give him anymore money. What if you let this go on another 5-10 years and he then decides to find some other woman as his cash cow then you will be left in the shit.

CheekySnake · 08/01/2025 17:45

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

He's not working, he's just got a very expensive hobby.

Honestly @GeofferyLLama this is the time to be honest with yourself. This is verging on financial abuse. When he says he's getting a 'project' up and running, he's lying. Not a single one has panned out. WTF is he actually doing? Not what he says he's doing, but what he's really doing.

This is not what being a great dad looks like.

WoolySnail · 08/01/2025 17:49

Great update OP! Well done for having the chat. Hope he gets the job and everything works out for you 🤞🙏 xx

Custardslices · 08/01/2025 17:54

Did any of these projects make money?

Why did you give him 60k of your money.

He's made a fool out of you, no way is he getting this job, he's saying what you want to hear. You said you've had lean times before, debt collectors and he never once thought it was a good idea to work, why is this time so special for him?

samarrange · 08/01/2025 17:59

Mostly I agree with the (less extreme) PP, but just a point for future reference...

"I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming"

When you don't have PAYE, the money to pay the tax on your earnings has to be absolutely ring-fenced. Put it in a savings account while you wait for the payment deadline, and of course don't pay HMRC a day before you have to, but if you have spent both the income and the tax, you have been living beyond your means. (Which in this case means that the time to give DH a firm kick up the backside was some time ago!)

Em1ly2023 · 08/01/2025 18:03

Shetlands · 04/01/2025 15:24

"I'm getting to the end of my line."

Your line is a lot longer than mine and probably most other people's. You've been a saint to tolerate the last 10 years and you deserve a much better life than being dragged down by this lazy, lying waster.

100%! I think my tolerance would have ended at 12 months max - 10 years of this utter bullsh*t, with a child to raise and you bearing the brunt of financial responsibility and debt. I could not live / sleep with / respect a man like this, absolutely soul destroying…

stayathomer · 08/01/2025 18:05

Loser, fanaticist, waste of space … so many extremely horrible viewpoints here- yes it’s an insane of money, yes he needs to get a job, but you’re all tearing down every person out there who’s slogging to try to make money from something they’ve made/ created.

MrsAga · 08/01/2025 18:06

Your latest update is good news. (Make sure he’s applying for more than just one job though or you’ll be months down the line again)

I do need to point out that “projects” that don’t pay the bills are hobbies!! He’s had 10 years of doing hobbies!!

If one of those hobbies starts to bring in big bucks & needs more time to bring in more, then that’s the time to give up work to do it full time. Not risk all your money on his hobbies.

I can hear Del Boy “this time next year we’ll be millionaires” 🙄

Christmasmorale · 08/01/2025 18:06

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 17:10

Thank you lovely people. I took the dog out, rehearsed what I was going to say, came back, told him very frankly that he couldn't have two months. I said I would do everything to support him so he could keep working on his latest project in his free time but that he absolutely had to get a job because money is about to run out. End of.

AND HE SAID YES!

I don't know if he realised I was finally not going to take no for an answer or what, but he just agreed. Looked at the job ad I sent him, agreed that it was a perfect fit, said he'd get his CV off first thing in the morning.

I of course burst into tears and was a snotty mess for the next 10 mins. DD came through to ask what was wrong. I told her everything was right.

And I know some of you will think that he's probably all mouth and no trousers and that I should believe it when I see it, but this actually feels like a huge step forward.

And this wouldn't have happened without the wake up call from you guys.

Don't do everything you can to support his project - it's time for him to support yours. He gets a job and you take some time as a double income family both working to get your finances back in order. Once you're financially stable, tell him that he now needs to to support YOU in your dream project. Is there a course, or training you have always wanted to do OP but had to put aside because your husband's needs always came first? Travelling, a book you wanted to write? You deserve to be supported in your dreams too.

This is the time for your daughter's father to show her through consistent action how a partner/ man supports his wife so that she doesn't grow up believing that the imbalance of the past 10 years is the norm for women, and as a result accepts less in her future relationships.

viques · 08/01/2025 18:08

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

“Masses of research”

Oh, you mean he faffs about on the internet all morning, has lunch, plays a bit of sudoku, has another faff, checks out his Instagram, has a couple of beers in the sun if it’s a nice day, emails a couple of mates, keeps his x account up to date…..

JustCrow · 08/01/2025 18:09

He’s made a massive mug of you for TEN YEARS. Isn’t that long enough??

MumWifeOther · 08/01/2025 18:12

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

No YANBU.

If his project really means this much to him, then he can carry on and work nights or weekends to help bring some money in.

This isn’t fair on you and you deserve better than this.

JustCrow · 08/01/2025 18:13

I’ll believe it when I see it. God imagine how much you could have saved by now if he hadn’t wasted the last ten
years.

Inkyblue123 · 08/01/2025 18:19

He is taking the piss. Tell him he need to get a job or leave. You can’t afford to keep paying for a house husband. And it maybe a job rather than a career move, but he is going to have to suck it up.

Craftymam · 08/01/2025 18:20

Wow really sorry OP.

This is super sad,

I doubt hes ever going to get a job.

I know someone who never kicked them out. They are now 70s working through cancer treatment to support themselves whist he sits on the sofa and she has sleepless nights about the fact her children are going to have a battle of inheritance or be left with nothing as hes a ‘dependent’ now.

Super sad

Craftymam · 08/01/2025 18:27

And sorry based on the above I would have a serious think about what happens if he gets this job. The person above couldn’t afford to divorce their partner as they were a ‘house husband’ and she would have to pay him an allowance as a dependent.

Or they could but it was considerably cheaper to leave him sitting on the sofa if she could tolerate it.

So if he ever does get that job and mysteriously is fired again. Thats when you want to divorce! Dont allow a precedent of him being a dependent again.

Manthide · 08/01/2025 18:32

Hope it works out for you OP! Perhaps I should have given my exdh this sort of ultimatum - he hasn't worked since dd3 was born 17 years ago.

LAMPS1 · 08/01/2025 18:32

He’s deluded, a fantasist. And a user.

You mustn’t allow him to self-indulge in his useless projects at this terrible cost to you and your family.
Ten years and all that debt is way more than enough.

He either needs a shock back into the real world … not sure how….
Or you need to leave him to get on with his nonsense, - and to suffer the consequences of his own making, all by himself.

OP, you must at least completely separate your finances asap. And refuse to bail him out any more.
If you don’t start to look after your own affairs, who will?
He can’t even look after himself.

He really isn’t on the brink of becoming a successful millionaire with his project.
Face the facts and stop believing him. Follow through this time, hard as that will be.
Good luck!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 08/01/2025 18:34

Hoping for a positive update in a few weeks or so. That he is working, contributing, etc etc. I would worry it will be short term to shut you up so he can go back to his 'vision'. Plenty of people have set up businesses, written books, done all kind of amazing thing while holding down full time jobs. If he is not contributing, there is no room for vision.

Moonchildalltheway · 08/01/2025 18:34

I would have booted him long before now. Full time job hunting is hard, are you sure he will do it?

AConcernedCitizen · 08/01/2025 18:37

He's a bum and a fantasist, and you're sadly enabling both. Get rid.

Rocksaltrita · 08/01/2025 18:42

Where is your self esteem? You deserve so much more! 10 years!!! He’d have been gone after 10 minutes!!!

Em1ly2023 · 08/01/2025 18:43

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

Meant kindly - I feel that you would really benefit from some counselling to allow you to process what you have ‘allowed’ to happen - for over a decade! And why?

And you’re actually worried that he will resent you?!

You are going to end up in an even worse financial position if you don’t wake up soon - he’s financially abusive, selfish, lazy, grossly irresponsible.
He doesn’t respect you, he’s gaslighting you. This must have taken such a toll on you mentally - let alone dumping significant debt on you.
He’s either seriously delusional, lazy, a liar or all 3…

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