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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2025 16:28

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

Thats not actually working, thats messing about.
Working earns money, his "projects" are a hobby OP and you have been more than supportive.
Its time he get a job or F's off

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/01/2025 16:29

10 years?? He's had enough chances. I agree with PPs about doing a spreadsheet so you can both see everything clearly. If you continue as you are, there'll always be 'but the next project will definitely pay off' bullshit.

battairzeedurgzome · 04/01/2025 16:29

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

How many of us get through life without ever doing something we don't want to do? Especially those with children and responsibilities.

thestudio · 04/01/2025 16:30

I think be frank:

"DH, your projects are make believe. Your 'research' is a hobby which allows you to pretend that you're not letting all of us down. Nothing is ever going to come off. Get a job in the next two months or get out - and if you ever use this utterly, utterly reasonable request to be an adult after ten years pottering around against me, we're over then too.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 04/01/2025 16:30

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

So you're going to keep hosting the parasite? How depressing.

Neveranynamesleft · 04/01/2025 16:31

Goodness me. It's head wobbling time again.
Get rid.

RobinHood19 · 04/01/2025 16:31

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

Out in the real world, adults have to do things they don’t like sometimes. I do, I’m sure you do too.

It’s a privilege to find a job or career that is also your passion and that makes you smile on your way to work every day. However, most able-bodied adults realise that when that dream doesn’t happen, you need to get out and get any job that pays you enough for you to support yourself and/or your family.

He “doesn’t want” to contribute to his family. How did he get so lucky to find a wife that funds his every little desire?

Snowmanscarf · 04/01/2025 16:32

No doubt, his are in the ‘creative industries’. Some people love the journey - the research, buying equipment etc, but not the actual hard graft.

I think you’ve given him enough chances. Give him a time limit. Sit down and help him do his cv, apply fur jobs etc. I don’t think he’ll do this proactively himself eg if. If te gets huffy, reiterate what you’ve told us. Ten years is plenty being supportive enough, especially when it has cost you thousands. That should have been the wage-up up call for him.

Tine to get cross and stop enabling this lazy dp.

outerspacepotato · 04/01/2025 16:33

"I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do."

If he resents you for having him contribute financially instead of being a huge financial drain to the point of your parents supporting you, he can get stepping.

He's an able bodied adult who has sucked you dry financially for 10 years. He should be ashamed that your family had to step in rather than him step up.

YellowRoom · 04/01/2025 16:33

He's leached off you for a decade and accuses you of not being a supportive wife because you don't want him to spend another ten years basically burning the money you're earning. Money that could have been spent on you and DD. Weird definition of best friend.

Gingersprouts · 04/01/2025 16:34

would he agree to a PT job? Surely he can’t justify not earning anything at all? And the £60k! Wow.

Starsandall · 04/01/2025 16:35

It sounds like he is a dreamer who has cost you a lot of money. I think a lot of people would have run out of patience quicker op. Of course he needs a job. He is probably hoping you will get another position like you always do and he won’t have to worry about it, But the cost of living is high and times are tough. If he had been working alongside his projects you probably wouldn’t have the debt would you. Time to face reality I think.

2024onwardsandup · 04/01/2025 16:36

He doesn't give a shit if you resent him

In fact, he doesn't really care about you that much to be frank

As for saying he is "working" on these projects - no he's not - he's satisfying his interest and what is basically a hobby

How is he being supportive of you?

Stop being a door mat and emotionally manipulated by him

Tell him you're not happy to keep supporting his freeloading ways

Wonderi · 04/01/2025 16:37

He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework.

If this is your bar, then it’s very low.

He’s got you into debt and made you borrow money.

I don’t understand why he couldn’t work alongside these ‘projects’.

I was working, doing a degree (undergrad and then masters) and a single parent.

He has taken the piss out of you and obviously has no respect for you or your child.

blueshoes · 04/01/2025 16:38

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

OP, you need to consider the end game here, because making him get a job is lighting a fuse that could end up there due to resentment on his part that you will no longer quietly be his most successful project (as another poster said).

Can you go it alone i.e. support your dc on your own steam, keep the roof over your heads. How much does not supporting his fantasy projects free up in terms of cash for you?

Then you need to consult a divorce lawyer (I assume by 'DH' you are married to this waster) about how much a divorce will cost you.

Once you have done that research, you will be in a better position to confront your DH about what he needs to do to stay in the house and the marriage.

ginasevern · 04/01/2025 16:38

Your husband is a fantasist. How on earth you can kiss goodbye to £60k, borrow money from your parents and lose your credit rating yet still say he's your best friend god only knows. Maybe you're a fantasist too. Anyone rational would get out of this relationship before they lose the roof over their heads along with every scrap of self respect.

HappyHBD · 04/01/2025 16:39

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

But he’s ok if you resent him? As you should!

CJFJ1 · 04/01/2025 16:39

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

"He accuses me of not being a supportive wife."

So as well as being a freeloader, it sounds like he's gaslighting you as well? I agree with much of the advice on here, OP: time to give him a dose of reality.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/01/2025 16:41

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

why does he never get as far as researching how to monetise the project?

Frostyaf · 04/01/2025 16:43

So have any of these projects actually turned a profit?
He seems to be deluding himself, and you are going along with it.

CJFJ1 · 04/01/2025 16:45

He sounds like one of those people who go on Dragon's Den (for those who watch it) with some invention that nobody asked for, then proceeds to tell the Dragons that they've invested all their life savings in it already, only to be greeted by shocked gasps from the Dragons who can't believe how daft someone can be, and who promptly say they're "out" in quick succession.

Shelby2010 · 04/01/2025 16:47

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

But he doesn’t care about you resenting him?

I don’t particularly want to go to work, but as a responsible adult I know money doesn’t grow on trees.

As a compromise, why don’t you suggest that he finds something that earns a decent amount for a couple of years. Every month, any spare money he has after his contribution to the household he can put into savings to fund his next project.

DecafDodger · 04/01/2025 16:48

but his vision is not working, he's tried for 10 years!

luckylavender · 04/01/2025 16:48

This is very similar to something that happened to someone I know. Eventually the cocklodger had an affair & left. Get rid of him, he's ruining your life.

BettyBardMacDonald · 04/01/2025 16:49

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 15:17

It’s time to leave this looser behind OP. You are his cash cow and he isn’t going to change. 10 years!! Time to make changes.

I know. Maybe I'm a miser but I wouldn't support a lying cocklodger for 10 days let alone 10 years!!!

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