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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
PeppyGreenFinch · 04/01/2025 15:40

Chuck him out this weekend.

What is the housing situation? Is it your house?

Iloveeverycat · 04/01/2025 15:40

How on earth can anyone lose 60k what did he spend it on.

FreshOutOfFucks · 04/01/2025 15:41

£60k???!!!!!

Jeez. How have you not lost all respect for him? Does he have a solid gold penis or something?

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 15:41

Does he look after the children or do you still need to pay for a nanny or other childcare?

He sounds like a fantasist, a Walter Mitty type with grandiose plans and nothing to show for them.

He's got you into debt and ruined your credit rating. I couldn't put up with him any more. He either needs to get another job, or you leave him.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 04/01/2025 15:43

You've supported him and his projects for 10 years, the family have also git into debt for his projects, hired help all for his projects and spent all the savings for his projects. Anything other than him getting a job, even working in McDonald's or a supermarket, would result in him leaving.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/01/2025 15:43

Absolutely. It's deeply concerning he won't accept he needs to get an actual salaried job, or even a gig job or jobs, rather than these bizarre 'projects that will make millions'. He's a fantasist by the sounds of it and you shouldn't be funding it anymore.
Taking a fairly low waged job job doing market research, retail, hospitality, cleaner, delivery driver, customer service call centre..any of that is more admirable than his Del Boy style get rich never schemes.

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/01/2025 15:44

I don't know. You both sound like you are dicking around a bit, jobs here and there, projects and/or gigs of a lifetime (that only last a year), lots of borowing. Neither of you is doing a sensible (dull) 9-5 at Tesco or wherever.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 15:46

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/01/2025 15:44

I don't know. You both sound like you are dicking around a bit, jobs here and there, projects and/or gigs of a lifetime (that only last a year), lots of borowing. Neither of you is doing a sensible (dull) 9-5 at Tesco or wherever.

The OP has actually earned money through her freelance work. Her DH has earned nothing and has lost £60k on one of his pie in the sky projects.

DecafDodger · 04/01/2025 15:47

OP's 'gigs' are feeding the family though, that's the difference.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/01/2025 15:47

One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection
10 years of this bullshit is far to much support to expect from anyone. He's an adult and a father he should be acting like one. He left it all to you for a month, wasted 60K, destroyed your credit rating and you still supported him and he the gall to abuse you of being unsuportive. You've supported him to ridiculous lengths, way over and above what is reasonable to do so. This isn't a healthy relationship or a loving one. He doesn't treat you with love, he doesn't consider you, he's willing to manipulate you, see his kids go without and destroy his family financial security so that he can go on doing whatever the hell he wants. What part of that makes him a good father and a loving husband?

Harassedevictee · 04/01/2025 15:47

@GeofferyLLama I would be setting up a simple spreadsheet for the last 10 years breaking down

  • income (his and your)
  • investment in his business ideas (yours and his)
  • debt (his and your)
Show that not only have you supported the family but have paid for his businesses (hobbies).

I know if the sexes were reversed people would criticise me but this is not a SAHM situation it’s the wasting money on his latest hobby.

Galatine · 04/01/2025 15:48

He’s not a great Dad he’s a Cock Lodger. He does sod all to support his wife and children. He spends his time waiting in the vain hope for his ship to come in, while dragging you all down. Kick him out, you’ll be better off without him.

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 15:50

£60,000?

@GeofferyLLama Get a horse.
They are cheaper.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/01/2025 15:50

Iloveeverycat · 04/01/2025 15:40

How on earth can anyone lose 60k what did he spend it on.

I wonder if he actually did something non progect related and had the 5* holiday of a lifetime and gambled the rest away.

devilspawn · 04/01/2025 15:51

"he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him."

What are the reasons he thinks you should support him or his vision or have faith in him? The only evidence you have is of them not working out, time and again.

You showed you had faith in him when he was allowed to destroy your credit and spend all your earnings.

Does he realise that people who are actually successful work a job while they're getting their business off the ground and don't quit until it can support itself?

Two of you self-employed is very shaky ground when one is earning 0 and one has inconsistent earnings. So it's either his sacrifice or yours, and I know who I'd pick.

dudsville · 04/01/2025 15:51

It's been ten years. I think the best possible scenario here is that you're both gaslighting yourselves and each other. Other likely scenarios include him consciously, intentionally taking advantage of you. You don't need to have a conversation. Deep down, whatever it is, you both know what you're doing. You need to decide what your priorities are and then decide your way forward.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 04/01/2025 15:52

Stop this man leeching off you and your kids. He's a parasite, not a 'best friend' or a good father.
He's robbing you and your kids. You can't boot him out since you're married, but you can treat yourself to divorcing the failure.

Don't indulge in in any chats where he'll turn it round on you/sulk/ask for more time, he's robbed you enough. All that money could have gone to your kids, to enjoying life, instead of bankrolling some man.

Doggymummar · 04/01/2025 15:54

My partner is an inventor, and has some winning products, and a lot more that have lost money. He spends hours in his workshop designing, building prototypes and filming for YouTube and Blue sky. He also holds down a six figure job in a related field. Any reason yours can't too? No didn't think so. Three months to get a job he wants, followed by 1 month to get any job or it's tara.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/01/2025 15:57

But you have already told him to get a job, numerous times and it didn't work out.

He won't change as long as you enable him.

battairzeedurgzome · 04/01/2025 15:57

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

So he's a serial hobbyist? Most of us don't get to do that until we retire.

WimpoleHat · 04/01/2025 15:58

You’ve been very supportive. You’ve given him a shot at his “vision”. If hasn’t worked out. And, actually, there’s no shame in that; he’s tried his best but failed. But there’s no doubt of the failure - you can actually put a £60k price tag on that. So - for now - he needs to give the “vision” a rest and get down to something more mundane that actually pays the bills for a while…..

I know quite a few people like this. For one, it’s worked out fanatically and one of his projects has paid off handsomely. But - to be fair to him - he’s always made sure that he could support his family along the way. But for the others, it’s a hugely mixed bag, which has generally ended up with them scrounging off their parents and spouses to stay afloat. And that’s only okay as long as those people are prepared to foot the bill, which it sounds like you (quite understandably) aren’t any more. I think you’re going to have to lay down the law now, even if it is to the detriment of your marriage.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/01/2025 15:59

Honestly you have let this go on far too long. You have been more than supportive. Enough is enough and if he can’t see this now he’s either a manipulative cocklodger or a fantasist. Neither makes a good husband, friend or father.

Time for action. He gets a job, any job, or he leaves.

RobinHood19 · 04/01/2025 15:59

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

So he’s deluded rather than lazy. I am not sure I could stay with someone like that… I need someone with a similar outlook on life. A realistic one.

Turmerictolly · 04/01/2025 16:00

He's dragging you and your family down but doesn't seem to care. Cut your losses now. You can't change him but you can make a change for yourself before you become bankrupt. Can you move in with your parents and start again?

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2025 16:01

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

Can you show him in black and white how much he's cost you?

He won't be able to run away from that

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