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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/01/2025 18:43

@GeofferyLLama

When is the closing date for application for the job ?
Has he applied
if so - and has he been short listed for an interview ?

Em1ly2023 · 08/01/2025 18:46

stayathomer · 08/01/2025 18:05

Loser, fanaticist, waste of space … so many extremely horrible viewpoints here- yes it’s an insane of money, yes he needs to get a job, but you’re all tearing down every person out there who’s slogging to try to make money from something they’ve made/ created.

That’s fine, but he could have done any job alongside this to support his family - he just cba!

StressedLP1 · 08/01/2025 19:10

If he’s not had a job other than ‘researching his projects’ for the last 10 years, what kind of job application do you expect him to be successful in now?

WellsAndThistles · 08/01/2025 19:16

Is his surname Trotter by any chance?

Wildwalksinjanuary · 08/01/2025 19:27

Op be prepared that his next excuse will be that he has been out of the job market for too long.

Womanofcustard · 08/01/2025 19:38

I’ve known a few blokes like this. It always boils down to not wanting to have a boss, or be told what to do.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/01/2025 19:48

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

I was lurking on this thread and reading it and there is something about this response @GeofferyLLama that is terribly sad.

You don't want him to resent you for making him do something he doesn't want to do.
All the while, you are doing something you don't want to be doing and have done for the past 10 years - supporting him on your salary and savings through thick and thin and those savings for your rainy day have dried up and he hasn't done anything to replenish them.

You need to find your gumption here and decide what it is that YOU want for you and your child(ren). I had read your update but you need to find your gumption because if this job doesn't work out for him - what is there next?

Wildwalksinjanuary · 08/01/2025 19:53

You used been a total doormat for ten years op so eager to please.

Snapncrackle · 08/01/2025 20:51

I bet he tells his friends he’s a business man
blah blah
I also bet he won’t tell his friends that his wife’s been supporting him all these years and he’s not made a penny

he’s a grade A cock lodger
your an idiot for believing him not the first time but all the times after that first time believing him and borrowing from your family to support his idle ass is down to you

If you left him I guarantee that he would either find another gullible women to bank roll him or get a job as no one can live on fresh air

but as he’s probably quite charming and passable it will probably be another stupid gullible woman he will run to

Snapncrackle · 08/01/2025 20:59

And these sort of men always seem
to get a particular type sort of women to fund them
The man is generally objectively good looking charming well liked by people who know him
slightly- they have the gift to the gab and can charm snakes in baskets and cats from trees

The woman is often bright smart educated often with excellent private school education and uni but very low self esteem and think they can’t believe that this dashing man wants them and so it begins

Wildwalksinjanuary · 08/01/2025 21:16

Snapncrackle · 08/01/2025 20:59

And these sort of men always seem
to get a particular type sort of women to fund them
The man is generally objectively good looking charming well liked by people who know him
slightly- they have the gift to the gab and can charm snakes in baskets and cats from trees

The woman is often bright smart educated often with excellent private school education and uni but very low self esteem and think they can’t believe that this dashing man wants them and so it begins

Bang on.

Figgygal · 09/01/2025 09:24

Let's hope he actually follows through with this op though After 10 years saying you'll get a job might be easier said than done

viques · 09/01/2025 20:31

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 17:10

Thank you lovely people. I took the dog out, rehearsed what I was going to say, came back, told him very frankly that he couldn't have two months. I said I would do everything to support him so he could keep working on his latest project in his free time but that he absolutely had to get a job because money is about to run out. End of.

AND HE SAID YES!

I don't know if he realised I was finally not going to take no for an answer or what, but he just agreed. Looked at the job ad I sent him, agreed that it was a perfect fit, said he'd get his CV off first thing in the morning.

I of course burst into tears and was a snotty mess for the next 10 mins. DD came through to ask what was wrong. I told her everything was right.

And I know some of you will think that he's probably all mouth and no trousers and that I should believe it when I see it, but this actually feels like a huge step forward.

And this wouldn't have happened without the wake up call from you guys.

Wondering if the update we all want to hear is on its way.

Did the cv get sent off “first thing”.

GeofferyLLama · 07/05/2025 17:31

Hi all - thanks for all the messages and support - the good news is DH has just accepted an offer for a job as a university lecturer. It's going to be a big change for me, as he'll be away from home a few nights a week, but also a HUGE weight off my shoulders knowing there'll be a monthly income coming in.

Cheers!

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 07/05/2025 17:33

Thank you for the update.

Congratulations to your DH and hugs to you for sticking in there. Huge weight off your shoulders.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/05/2025 17:34

Accepted a job - lets hope he starts it then likes it and stays in it !!!

nomoremsniceperson · 12/05/2025 19:17

Brilliant news OP! I hope everything works out well. Well done for giving him the push he needed to do it.

BakelikeBertha · 12/05/2025 20:22

I'm SO pleased for you OP! However, if he starts to show ANY signs of being fed up with the new job, be sure you question it, and tell him that it's OK not to like it, but he's got to get another job before he quits, as you're NEVER going to fund him again!

ZorbaTheHoarder · 14/05/2025 14:19

I don't want to sound sceptical, but l thought lecturer's posts were as rare as hen's teeth?

For someone who has not really worked in 10 years to be suddenly offered one is, well, quite surprising!

Have you seen an employment contract, OP?

Hoping it's all on the level...

Snowmanscarf · 14/05/2025 21:52

@ZorbaTheHoarder Good point, especially lots if uni’s are shedding jobs. Also surprised he’s got this job after doing projects for so long, and not even academic research. Did he previously gave teaching experience.

Also, isn’t the term coming to an end, and restarts in start until September, ie 3 months away.

Why is he going to be away? Is the job but local? Won’t this impact on the money he brings in?

Hope it all works out op.

Itsoneofthose · 14/05/2025 22:00

Yeah… he’s a billy BS’er whether he even really knows or not. A patter merchant. Maybe he doesn’t want to work for anyone else? An ego thing? Anyway you’re not being unreasonable

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