Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
murasaki · 04/01/2025 16:01

You were being unreasonable, you no longer are. A good shift. He needs to shape up or leave, no more funding vanity projects.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/01/2025 16:02

ten years of spectacularly unsuccessful projects indicate that he is crap at this - he needs to get a job, not spend any more time pursuing hobby projects that he expects you to fund.

Get rid if he doesn't get a job - lazy git.

Shudacudawuda · 04/01/2025 16:03

My goodness OP, you have been more than supportive, how dare he accuse you of not supporting him?
I'm sorry but I would have chucked him out years ago. I'm sorry he's done this to you, I don't think he's really the nice man you think you see.

BotterMon · 04/01/2025 16:06

He's a Cuntrepreneur. Amazing you've put up with it for 10 years!

NewFriendlyLadybird · 04/01/2025 16:09

‘Projects’ are side-hustle material. He can jolly well do a proper job at the same time. He sounds like a fantasist and you have been extraordinarily forgiving. I don’t think I’d have lasted 10 years in your position.

DoYouReally · 04/01/2025 16:10

Minimum wage × 40 hrs × 48 weeks x 10 years. What's that add up to plus £60k?

The cost of his entrepreneurial spirit doesn't come cheap.

He isn't going to change after 10 years. He's a leech.

ThrivingOutOfSpite · 04/01/2025 16:11

JFC!
From the title I thought this thread was going to be about a layabout 22 year old or something. 10 years! That’s insane.

Bananalanacake · 04/01/2025 16:11

I worked like mad to save 10K for a deposit on my flat on a civil service admin job. Years later I paid off the mortgage early with 50K, though I had help from DH for this. Added together that's 60K, that sort of money is better spent on property.

Wonderi · 04/01/2025 16:13

Have I misread - for 10 years he’s not worked, you’ve worked and paid for childcare??

Sorry if I’ve misread.

If not, then that’s absolutely insane!!

Gremlins101 · 04/01/2025 16:14

So sorry OP but he isn't the man you thought he was. 💐

wizzywig · 04/01/2025 16:15

Op you are his longest successful project

Nothatgingerpirate · 04/01/2025 16:15

YANBU.
How can you have an ounce of respect for him?
What do you need him for, apart from adding to your headaches?

outerspacepotato · 04/01/2025 16:16

I was thinking he had to be an entrepreneur but yours is so much more descriptive.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2025 16:17

This is absolutely insane. What on earth makes him your best mate? His leeching off you, or the fact he uses you, or the fact he's perfectly happy that you've been working your arse off and he's been pissing all that money up the wall? What does a worst enemy for you look like?

He's not a great dad either is he? He has been, I imagine gambling, all of his kids money for opportunities away.

No op, you are not being unreasonable, you have been unbelievably supportive, this is something you should have said about 9 years ago.

LondonLawyer · 04/01/2025 16:19

Not supportive? No, you aren't, and you absolutely shouldn't be. It's similar to being "not supportive" to someone's gambling obsession or heroin addiction. You've been patient for about 9 years longer than I ever would have been. Self-employed is fine, a reasonable but not high income is fine, but an actual drain on the family finances of this nature is ridiculous.
DH and I are both self-employed, and he earns about 20% more than I do. Cashflow from self-employment is often an issue. But not taking the piss is a low bar that he's failing to clear.

SunshineAndFizz · 04/01/2025 16:21

Don't give him two months. You've already given ten years.

It's time for a job now.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/01/2025 16:21

I would have chucked him out a long time ago. What a hopeless dreamer.

Barney16 · 04/01/2025 16:23

He is a fantasist and you have enabled him. Out of love and because he probably does just enough for you to see him favourably rather than viewing him as a problem. But he is a problem because his actions have meant that you are poorer than you should be, more pressured than you should be and less supported than you should be. And he will just carry on and on doing the same shit. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. The tax man isn't going to say oh it's ok, you don't have to pay your tax bill because your husband spent all your money. He ought to be ashamed of himself, why isn't he?

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

ThisNattyFish · 04/01/2025 15:32

10 years is a really long time to make a go of something. If he hasn’t by now I don’t think he is ever going to.
Unfortunately I don’t think he is ever going to see it like that and he’ll always think the current idea is the one that will make his fortune.
That’s a very difficult place for a relationship because if he does get a job he will likely always resent you taking away his dream as much as you resent the fact he’s wasted time, money and your support over the last decade.
It might be more of a case of you deciding if you can live with him like he is and then go from there.

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
Catopia · 04/01/2025 16:25

You have been more than tolerant, this is an insane situation.

He can apply for jobs at the same time as working on his project. If his project magically starts making him the equivalent income then great... but history suggests that it will not and he needs to face reality, and the bigger reality is that he has now been out of the workplace for so long with so little to show for it at interview that getting a new job may not be straightforward.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2025 16:26

it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

Are you joking?!?

Baileysatchristmas · 04/01/2025 16:27

I'd have told him long ago tbh.

gamerchick · 04/01/2025 16:27

I wouldn't say that. I'd tell him he needs to leave as you can't afford to keep him anymore. No more months, he's taking the piss.

I'd also cut him off his free access to money. You can't afford to live, never mind support his dreams.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/01/2025 16:27

10 years 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
Honestly this is insane.

At this point can he even get back into his old industry?

The 60k is INSANE. To cover that it's thats 100k gross earnings.

Yes give him an ultimatum but I would be amazed if he takes you seriously or changes as you've put u0 with thia BS way too long.
Also amazed you can bring yourself to have sex with him 🤢

As an fyi you are going to get fucked in the divorce but the sooner you do it the better.... especiqlly for your pension.
I'd also be considering how i could move / protect assets for your child so he cant claim it in the divorce and piss it up the wall

Justsayit123 · 04/01/2025 16:28

So he has no pension and has been leeching off you and your parents for 10 years. You’ve been a mug and a fool. Divorce… he’s clearly got no intention of going anywhere. Also, see a solicitor to try and separate the finances so he doesn’t take all your hard earned money.

Swipe left for the next trending thread