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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
NewFriendlyLadybird · 04/01/2025 16:49

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

Don’t you resent him for not contributing AND FOR LOSING YOU £60k? I would.

Renamed · 04/01/2025 16:50

How do you feel about being in the same position in another ten years? I have seen something like this play out IRL and nothing changes

user23124 · 04/01/2025 16:50

WTF is a PROJECT - the word has lost all meaning in this context.
If he has repeatedly come up with failed ideas he has failed and needs to get a job - I cannot fathom why you have put up with this. He must be the fuck of the century! 😂

Normallynumb · 04/01/2025 16:51

Yes.. You've given him enough chances
He's living in a fantasy land
You need security and you can't rely on him.

Winterskyfall · 04/01/2025 16:51

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

What about you OP? You resent him and you matter too. It's not all about him and his unachievable dreams.

EmoIsntDead · 04/01/2025 16:52

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

But it’s ok for him to leech off you for ten years, get you into debt and destroy your credit rating? Come on OP, get some self respect.

BettyBardMacDonald · 04/01/2025 16:52

Resent you???

Why on earth would that even be within the most remote realm of your worries when he has ruined your credit rating, got you into huge debt, lied to you continually, lived of you as a freeloading mooch, failed to support his child and permanently financially crippled you?

What the actual fuck.

RetroTotty · 04/01/2025 16:55

I think you are all wasting your time. OP doesn't want GoldenCock to resent her so will do nothing to upset the status quo.

noctilucentcloud · 04/01/2025 16:55

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

But you're not really doing that - you're saying respect me and your family enough to contribute to it financially. You have been massively supportive for a decade, he's been and is being very unrealistic to expect that to continue. We all have to make enough money to survive, it's not fair that the burden relies on you and you alone (plus your family bailing you out).

I also think, in the nicest possibly way, he's going to have to pull up his big boy pants and suck it up. Every adult (unless unwell or caring etc) has to work. You're not forcing him do the job he hates most on the planet, you're not forcing him to never do his 'projects', just that he needs to be in (full time) paid employment and they have to be done in spare time.

I also think that, although you're scared about him resenting you, what about you? You must surely resent him? You deserve to not have to shoulder all the financial responsibility, he's not showing the respect and care and thought to you and your daughter. What advice would you give to a friend in the same position?

NovemberMorn · 04/01/2025 16:58

He sounds like a Walter Mitty character, a dreamer who never actually succeeds.

I don't think you are unreasonable to have had enough...I know I would have, probably 9 years ago.

Quitelikeit · 04/01/2025 17:00

You have enabled this freeloader to continue with his hobby for TEN YEARS

STOP - it is as simple as that

SAY ‘NO MORE’

user1492757084 · 04/01/2025 17:01

Insist that it is time for him to work at least three days per week to put money into his pension.
You both want choices as you age.

WimpoleHat · 04/01/2025 17:02

I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

But he’s making you do something you don’t want to do: carry the entire financial load for the whole family and bankroll his hobbies. And, I’d argue - just from reading your post - that you now resent him. So there’s already deep seated frustration and resentment within your relationship. And, as a pp has already pointed out, the vast majority of adults have to do things that they don’t want to do. He sounds more and more like Peter Pan, I’m afraid to say….

Cherrysoup · 04/01/2025 17:02

10 years? Jesus H, that’s insane! Trouble is, will he be seen as primary carer and get majority custody/be awarded maintenance? And can he force the sale of the house you’ve paid for over the past 10 years?

Shetlands · 04/01/2025 17:04

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

And he will resent you, blame you, be vile towards you and all the other things that a thoroughly selfish, spoilt brat of a manbaby would do. That's why your relationship doesn't work and isn't sustainable. He's a parasite and he's sucking the life out of you. Feel free to carry on letting him leech off you forever but you don't really want that do you? You want a better life for you and your DC so your only choice is to relieve yourself of this intolerable burden. Cast him off and let him fend for himself - he's had a 10 year free ride and you owe him nothing.

Starlight7080 · 04/01/2025 17:08

You have been patient enough .
It's obvious nothing he has or probably will work on will pay off.
Sounds like he just has lots of hobbies that cost a lot and you can't make money from them

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 17:09

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 16:24

This is basically at the heart of it. I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

But surely you must resent him for losing £60k, getting you into loads of debt and losing your credit rating?

Isn't he ashamed or embarassed about all the money down the drain on his so called projects, which never turn into a viable money making business? You've given him 10 years, surely enough is enough?

EdithBond · 04/01/2025 17:09

“This time next year, Rodney, we’ll be millionaires”

YANBU.

If he’s destroyed your credit rating and left you in debt it’s bordering on financial abuse. Based on a decade-long track record, it’s reasonable to assume you’d be better off divorcing, living alone and being responsible for your own finances, with child support payments from him.

He can still be your best friend and a great dad. He could be your paying lodger if it suits you both. Just don’t let him drag you down a financial black hole with him.

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 17:10

Thank you lovely people. I took the dog out, rehearsed what I was going to say, came back, told him very frankly that he couldn't have two months. I said I would do everything to support him so he could keep working on his latest project in his free time but that he absolutely had to get a job because money is about to run out. End of.

AND HE SAID YES!

I don't know if he realised I was finally not going to take no for an answer or what, but he just agreed. Looked at the job ad I sent him, agreed that it was a perfect fit, said he'd get his CV off first thing in the morning.

I of course burst into tears and was a snotty mess for the next 10 mins. DD came through to ask what was wrong. I told her everything was right.

And I know some of you will think that he's probably all mouth and no trousers and that I should believe it when I see it, but this actually feels like a huge step forward.

And this wouldn't have happened without the wake up call from you guys.

OP posts:
ThriveIn2025 · 04/01/2025 17:13

You lost me at 60k. Why the hell did you tolerate anything else after this? This was the time to take a stand. You’ve no cards left to play. Time to LTB. How on earth do you have any respect left for this person?

Billnben · 04/01/2025 17:16

@GeofferyLLama just wondering if your OH might have some kind of neurodiversity going on? Not saying that what you’ve put up with reasonable, but could this explain his actions? Only wondered because from what you’ve said he does intense research into his new projects, but can never seem to stick to them. Such intense focus/special interest could be due to ADHD and/or ASD. If that’s behind it, then you might need to look at different strategies to help him into other work, if you want to stay together? Or, if he realises he is ND but doesn’t want to/can’t change, then you’d have to decide if you could live with it,

Billnben · 04/01/2025 17:17

Sorry cross-posted. Glad you had the chat and it went well 😊

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/01/2025 17:18

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 17:10

Thank you lovely people. I took the dog out, rehearsed what I was going to say, came back, told him very frankly that he couldn't have two months. I said I would do everything to support him so he could keep working on his latest project in his free time but that he absolutely had to get a job because money is about to run out. End of.

AND HE SAID YES!

I don't know if he realised I was finally not going to take no for an answer or what, but he just agreed. Looked at the job ad I sent him, agreed that it was a perfect fit, said he'd get his CV off first thing in the morning.

I of course burst into tears and was a snotty mess for the next 10 mins. DD came through to ask what was wrong. I told her everything was right.

And I know some of you will think that he's probably all mouth and no trousers and that I should believe it when I see it, but this actually feels like a huge step forward.

And this wouldn't have happened without the wake up call from you guys.

Put a calendar in a visible place and circle 4th March in red

Also circle 4th Feb as a reminder to yourself to start seeing divorce lawyers because I'd be shocked if he has made any meaningful progress in securing work by 4th March.

Washingupdone · 04/01/2025 17:18

Cross fingers all goes well for both DH’s job and project. I hope you are investing in your pension plus extra. Note all of the projects and money spent on them as he could begrudge you of the pension you will get later in life,

Wonderi · 04/01/2025 17:19

That sounds promising OP.

And I think this will be the make
or break moment for you, if he accepts the job and stays at it - then great

If he makes an excuse, doesn’t actually apply or ends up only sticking in the job a few months, then you know it’s time to end things.

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