DS wants to charge

[CompleteOvaryAction]

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

Tell him you would rather hire professionals.

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

I wouldn't be paying him either in those circumstances.

It would be nice of him to do it as a favour, if he’s only there because you’ve funded him, but is he a) skint and b) going to miss a paid gig for playing at yours?

So you'd pay the rest of the band, just not him?
I don't think that there should be mates rates and freebies, when supplying professional services.

Ah, sorry on a reread I see you are planning to pay his band. It’s still a weird dynamic if he’s there for free but his teammates are being paid.

Read the OP again.

I'd be very disappointed in him OP and I'd honestly just hire professionals as a PP suggested.

ETA: Sorry @JustKeepSwimmingJust I see you reread.

@Ponoka7 But he is not a professional- he is a student. And I don't think there should be any "rates" at all for him to play at his own parents' big birthday party.
At the very least he could perform free as his birthday gift to them.

We have always paid Ds when his band have played at family functions. Not quite the going rate of. Function band, but a good rate.

Usually he will have turned down other paid work to do it, plus he’s a student. He needs money. He and his band also have to pay for PAT testing & public liability.

It is ungrateful of him. I wouldn’t want to fall out over it though

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too.

I think if you are paying his band mates you can't really not pay him. He's a bit silly really because he's going to get a lot of exposure from doing that. Is he usually a bit selfish?

I wouldn't be surprised if some of the other band members are expecting to do it for free. Unless as PP says they're passing up a paid gig to be there for you.

He sounds ungrateful tbh.

I'd get someone else to play, and feel disappointed in my son. Send him the lyrics of that old country song 'No Charge'. Seriously, I'd cover all his band's expenses with a friendly bit on top for each of them but not full whack. What would you think if it was another band member's family do? I'd be saying 'Nigel, you can't charge Derek's parents!'

Get a DJ.

to give you an idea Ds is a 2nd year music student & currently earning £700 per week playing for panto.

If you've funded him through his music degree at uni, fuck that. He's a right cheeky twat to ask.

I would just hire someone else. You don’t charge your parents.

It’s on him to offer, not on you to demand. If he wants to play as his gift or contribution to the party, great. If not, I’d get a DJ instead.

It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him.
There’s something off about this statement - it has been your choice to fund him, for most parents of means it is almost an expectation/part of parenting that you would fund him, it downplays any of his own efforts, work, achievements and solely gives credit to you.

Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time.
You clearly expect payback - perhaps it’s unconsciously thought, but you do have expectations.

As an aside, have you even asked him if he’d rather be a guest at the party or did you assume he’d be happy to work at the party? Because it is work. Too often people in creative fields are expected to perform/create for free as it is not respected in the same way other professions are. If he is going to make a career out of this then he needs to charge for his services and should start as he means to go on.

Pay him. It is not fair to suddenly start calling in markers that he didn’t know existed eg. We paid for x therefore you owe us y.

Yanbu. I cant imagine trying to charge my parents at a big special birthday party. He sounds quite entitled.
As you've said, he isnt losing out on otherwise making money as he would be there as a guest (hopefully).
I would tell him if you're paying pro rates you'll find someone else rather than a student band.

Maybe he'd prefer to enjoy the party rather than work? I agree it's kind of down to him to offer really.

@pikkumyy77 the chances are that as a third year music student with his own band he is a “professional” in that he is getting paid for gigs he does.

OP, surely the band has a set rate not a price per band member. I think, given the fairly lavish nature of your party, you are being a bit cheap by essentially wanting to discount the fee pro rata. I am not saying you are wholly unreasonable to have asked him to perform for free, but I think you are unreasonable to push the issue. Presumably he needs the money?

Surely you just pay them a fee as a band? It's then between themselves to divvy it out. That would be exactly what they would receive at any other gig.