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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

I agree..My son helped do work on my house, alongside a paid Tradesman.
He wasn't expecting to be paid, but 'I paid him the same day rate as the tradesman as it was hot, sweaty dirty horrid work in a heatwave!{Replacing a ceiling in an old house}

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:24

Franjipanl8r · 04/01/2025 01:22

I doubt all these “I’d never charge my parents” comments aren’t from people in creative industries. It’s completely standard to charge for creative work, no one would scrape a living if they did anything for free. He’ll have had it drilled into him at uni as well. Not buying you Xmas presents OP is completely separate. Does his sister work in a profession where you’ll also be expecting free work from her?

Did you see OP's post where she says she's done free work for friends and family. This is what normal families do.

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:25

@oakleaffy That makes sense, but this is a special joint birthday party. It would be nice to offer to play as his gift to them.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:25

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 04/01/2025 01:06

Eek he sounds quite grabby.

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He sounds like a spoilt 5 year old “That's not fair on me”

Shocking thst you get no gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I’d be so hurt !

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:26

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:24

Did you see OP's post where she says she's done free work for friends and family. This is what normal families do.

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The bandmates will be paid, so not paying her own son seems very strange.
IF it was just her son playing, fair enough, but to pay some people, and not him creates a weird dynamic.

Hence why I paid my own son when he was working just as hard as a tradesman..had it just been son and me , I'd probably not have paid as much.

Justanotherteacher · 04/01/2025 01:27

My husband is a professional musician. He fell into this trap while at university. An uncle’s wedding here, a friend’s wedding there, a mate’s party, someone’s funeral…Aside from the thousand pounds of work he’d done for free, there’s also the singling out as not a proper guest. You don’t get to join in. You’re the entertainment, you’re not relaxing with everyone else. (For a start, you’ve had to stay sober so you can play.)

If he’s a guest, then he shouldn’t be expected to entertain. If he’s the entertainment, then he should be fairly paid.

Franjipanl8r · 04/01/2025 01:28

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:24

Did you see OP's post where she says she's done free work for friends and family. This is what normal families do.

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But it’s also what creates family rifts. Like my dad who did free work for his mum for years and siblings who did nothing - it was always just expected and never appreciated. I’ve done free work for family as well but my siblings don’t work in an industry where they can offer any work for free - again it’s created a lot of tension. Not paying him is money directly out of his pocket, is his sister going to have the same money taken away from her? Or is she just going to enjoy the party at no cost to her?

bumblebee1987 · 04/01/2025 01:29

Absolutely not unreasonable, how odd of him to expect you to pay him! To be honest, I'm assuming that by asking him you're just being nice and wanting to show off how proud you are and give him an opportunity to perform, rather than him legitimately being your first choice of paid entertainment?!

My parents use my professional services for 2 hours every 4-6 weeks religiously, and have done for 8 years, and will continue to do so. I wouldn't even dream of charging them! We often joke and they will say something like 'add it to my tab,' or something, but it's entirely said in jest, we never even discussed payment, it was just assumed both ways that payment wouldn't be expected!

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 01:29

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:12

She's already funding him through third year university.

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Yes, I read that. And if he'd offered his band's services I'd have less sympathy with him asking for some cash.

But he didn't; OP has asked his band to work at their event. So they need to pay the band's fee. Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

They're a student band ffs, not Oasis. We're probably only talking a couple of hundred quid! They're not going to get any decent entertainment for less.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:29

I’d knock it off any bills, student fees and pocket money you give him and insist on a thank you

Or book someone else. Selfish little penny pincher he is!

TequilaNights · 04/01/2025 01:30

Our family singer charges half her fee and set will be for say an hour or 2, so she can also enjoy the party she is professional and books up, so to her she will lose money if she didn't and we have no problem paying, but she isn't my daughter.

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:30

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:25

@oakleaffy That makes sense, but this is a special joint birthday party. It would be nice to offer to play as his gift to them.

It's a tricky one I think.{Because of the band-mates}..I also read that he doesn't buy his mum anything for her birthdays?!

That isn't very nice.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:30

Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

Of course they do! They don’t have a joint bank account as a band do they. They split the money between them. It’s not hard, it’s basic maths to figure it out

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:31

Justanotherteacher · 04/01/2025 01:27

My husband is a professional musician. He fell into this trap while at university. An uncle’s wedding here, a friend’s wedding there, a mate’s party, someone’s funeral…Aside from the thousand pounds of work he’d done for free, there’s also the singling out as not a proper guest. You don’t get to join in. You’re the entertainment, you’re not relaxing with everyone else. (For a start, you’ve had to stay sober so you can play.)

If he’s a guest, then he shouldn’t be expected to entertain. If he’s the entertainment, then he should be fairly paid.

It's not an uncle, friend or mate, it's his parents who are currently funding his university degree.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:31

So if the band are normally say £1k and there are 5 members OP’s son should only ask for £800

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:32

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 01:29

Yes, I read that. And if he'd offered his band's services I'd have less sympathy with him asking for some cash.

But he didn't; OP has asked his band to work at their event. So they need to pay the band's fee. Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

They're a student band ffs, not Oasis. We're probably only talking a couple of hundred quid! They're not going to get any decent entertainment for less.

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I’d rather pay another band double, even if they were shit, rather than my mean spirited son who has never once bought either of his parents a bloody gift

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:33

@CompleteOvaryAction

Play him this... a very old song someone referred to on here when dealing with a greedy son!

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 04/01/2025 01:34

I voted YABU.

People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free. If he is providing the entertainment at your party he will not be able to enjoy it in the usual way, and it's not unreasonable for his starting point to be that he will be charging for his services. If that is not acceptable to you then you can hire someone else.

You mention he is generous with others but not with you, so that suggests he cares for and is cognisant of the position of others. If you would like him to be more generous with you, then I'd suggest you have a conversation with him about this. Perhaps he is unaware that this matters to you and/or that he comes across as viewing you as a 'cash machine'. (Also, if you don't want to be treated like a cash machine, don't act like one - he is spoilt only to the extent you spoil him. If he doesn't act like he appreciates your generosity, then let him know.)

user1492757084 · 04/01/2025 01:34

We were privileged to pay full asking price to our god daughter when she played music at a party for my daughter.

You already have the advantage of getting the band.

I would never ask for a financial discount or favour.
I would pay what is asked and throw in some chocolates.

misunderstoodmetoo · 04/01/2025 01:34

I agree the bandmates do add complexity. And OP might well have concluded that she wouldn't want her son 'working' for free and his friends getting paid.

I actually think the best thing to have happened from an etiquette perspective would be for OP to have asked for her son's rate, her son would have insisted 'absolutely no chance you're paying, you're my parents this is my gift to you' and then OP would have been v grateful and would probably have treated him somehow to thank him. This kind of polite off is what generally happens with my family/friends where there is mates rates involved.

But the son made that an impossibility because he jumped in immediately with 'you'll have to pay me', which is just such an ungracious thing to say to your parents IMO.

DressOrSkirt · 04/01/2025 01:35

I'm surprised so many people think their children shouldn't be paid for work. Of course you should pay him!

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:36

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:30

Have you ever heard of band members getting paid individually for a gig? I've not.

Of course they do! They don’t have a joint bank account as a band do they. They split the money between them. It’s not hard, it’s basic maths to figure it out

🤣 {I was married to a musician years ago}

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:36

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:36

🤣 {I was married to a musician years ago}

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And did he not take a cut of what they made?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2025 01:37

"Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see)."

Oof. That's crap of him.

I'd hire another band and if he queried it just say that you thought about it and you'd like him to be able to be a guest instead.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:38

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:33

@CompleteOvaryAction

Play him this... a very old song someone referred to on here when dealing with a greedy son!

Absolutely love this and so damn true ❤️