Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:55

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:44

How come some kids who have had it quite ''tough'' are much more generous to their mums? Kids spending paper round money on their mum's present or using their meagre pocket money-?
OP's son is being selfish as he has been supported and probably spoiled financially by his parents and can't even buy his mum a simple box of chocolates or a book..it was reading this that changed my mind.

Show quote history

Yeah and not only mum, but dad gets nothing either. No birthday or Christmas present for his parents. Someone posted that his brain isn’t fully developed yet…utter crap! His brain was developed enough to immediately demand money from his mum for playing. She should have said “Oh silly me! We wondered if this was finally going to be the year you recognised our birthdays and were going to play for free”

My DS has worked since he was 13. First year of paper round tips £68. Value of my present £65. No! I didn’t expect that and £2.00 would have made me happy. We couldn’t afford uni and reading this I’m glad.

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:56

@Lorelielee Hmm, I think he’s just a meanie who doesn’t appreciate his parents and never gives them Christmas or birthday presents.

If he’s not going to offer his musical talent as a birthday gift, I hope he at least gets them something for their milestone birthdays - more than the nothing he usually gives

Vaxtable · 04/01/2025 01:57

I would explain it again as a gift from him however if he refuses you have two options pay him (but then I would be making sure I do no more favours for him as it works both ways) or get someone else

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:58

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:39

@AnotherCrazyCatLady People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

People in the parenting industry are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

Show quote history

I’m going to frame this response !!! Brilliant

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:58

Guest100 · 04/01/2025 01:53

It’s usually the way with kids that haven’t had everything handed to them. Hopefully he grows up. But I wouldn’t pay him on principle. Which is why I suggested hiring someone else. And because I imagine he would probably half arse it even if he is paid.

Show quote history

I have noticed kids who have had to struggle and work for things have a much better , kinder attitude- there is a post on here of a mum whose child is really excited that they have a paper round of £13 a week - the child has been itching to get a job from aged 8!

I can almost guarantee that son or daughter will be a generous spirited, nice kid.
So many spoiled, entitled kids about who just ''expect''.

marmia1234 · 04/01/2025 02:00

My son was in a band, he and the other 3 bandmates ( one the daughter of the birthday lady) practiced for hours in the days before and performed all night and none asked for a penny. I would have been ashamed of my DS if he did. This is a favour for a friend. They did heaps of paid jobs at other places but this was their birthday gift. He is also known all over several suburbs now as that really cool music guy. Had people call out from their car as he was waiting at the bus " Hey are you R, can you please join our band". So its another way of getting your name out there if you want to be a full time musician. There were 100 people at the party, cheapest advertising available.

BruFord · 04/01/2025 02:00

@Prettydisgustingactually

My DS has worked since he was 13. First year of paper round tips £68.Value of my present £65. Awww, that’s so lovely!

Thornybush · 04/01/2025 02:01

Ugh the youth of today are getting worse and worse. So ungrateful and massive CFs 😒

ChessorBuckaroo · 04/01/2025 02:04

marmia1234 · 04/01/2025 02:00

My son was in a band, he and the other 3 bandmates ( one the daughter of the birthday lady) practiced for hours in the days before and performed all night and none asked for a penny. I would have been ashamed of my DS if he did. This is a favour for a friend. They did heaps of paid jobs at other places but this was their birthday gift. He is also known all over several suburbs now as that really cool music guy. Had people call out from their car as he was waiting at the bus " Hey are you R, can you please join our band". So its another way of getting your name out there if you want to be a full time musician. There were 100 people at the party, cheapest advertising available.

My brother was similar with his band. No way would he have asked for money from our parents to play.

Sorry OP he's out of order.

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 02:04

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:55

Yeah and not only mum, but dad gets nothing either. No birthday or Christmas present for his parents. Someone posted that his brain isn’t fully developed yet…utter crap! His brain was developed enough to immediately demand money from his mum for playing. She should have said “Oh silly me! We wondered if this was finally going to be the year you recognised our birthdays and were going to play for free”

My DS has worked since he was 13. First year of paper round tips £68. Value of my present £65. No! I didn’t expect that and £2.00 would have made me happy. We couldn’t afford uni and reading this I’m glad.

Show quote history

Absolutely right! The Sir Alan Sugars of the World.. He too was a grafter from a young age.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 02:05

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 01:51

That might come when he’s made it in the industry, not when he’s just starting out as a struggling newcomer.

Show quote history

And in the highly likely event he never makes it?

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 02:06

BruFord · 04/01/2025 02:00

@Prettydisgustingactually

My DS has worked since he was 13. First year of paper round tips £68.Value of my present £65. Awww, that’s so lovely!

Thank you! To be fair I should have said DD is the same. We’ve had a tough few years and only a few years ago I could only spend £20 each on them. They were 12 and 14 at the time and told me that Christmas wasn’t about gifts. I read some of the posts on here and I’m horrified. Mine are far from perfect but greedy they are not!!

ImNotReallySpartacus · 04/01/2025 02:11

YABU to think it would be reasonable to pay the other band members but not your son (and how would that work anyway? presumably they would present an invoice, you would transfer money to the band's account and they would divide it between them?)

DreamTheMoors · 04/01/2025 02:11

Kids these days - can’t kick their asses, can’t abandon them lol.

But you can pay them for playing your gig.
You should offer him £25 @CompleteOvaryAction
🎶You can’t always get what you want🎶
Tell him that’s how Mick & the boys got started, playing their parents birthday parties. Honest.
Would I lie to my own son?
And Led Zeppelin too. Really.
Why, if it wasn’t for their parents…
Does he think Stairway to Heaven was written in a studio?? Hell no. It was written in somebody’s mum’s garage.

Lorelielee · 04/01/2025 02:11

Maybe, he is a dick. Who knows.

But, remember his mam is here on a public forum sagging her son off and wanting validation from randoms. Her own son. So maybe he has reasons for being a dick.

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 02:15

Lorelielee · 04/01/2025 02:11

Maybe, he is a dick. Who knows.

But, remember his mam is here on a public forum sagging her son off and wanting validation from randoms. Her own son. So maybe he has reasons for being a dick.

Good point.

Also worth remembering that his parents brought him up and instilled his values into him. Maybe this is a 'reap what you sow' situation?

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 02:17

Lorelielee · 04/01/2025 02:11

Maybe, he is a dick. Who knows.

But, remember his mam is here on a public forum sagging her son off and wanting validation from randoms. Her own son. So maybe he has reasons for being a dick.

You mean an anonymous public forum @Lorelielee

Yep! Been waiting for the ‘Let’s blame the parents’ brigade to show up. Well maybe if he views his parents with such disdain, he will make sure his career is a success so he can pay them back everything for which he wasn’t grateful.

Devilcat · 04/01/2025 02:21

Oh god no absolutely not worth the aggro. Hire someone

YourGladSquid · 04/01/2025 02:24

I think when it comes to professional services you should always pay, especially if it’s arts related. People constantly think they can get freebies off you because you’re family.

They’re starting out and paying only the bandmates is even worse.

Tourmalines · 04/01/2025 02:25

The way he even said it to you was full of attitude. He’s a cheeky little fuck . A big birthday and he can’t spare his time unless he profits from it . He doesn’t even buy you both Christmas or birthday presents. Stop buying him stuff. He’s an entitled ungrateful brat .

DreamTheMoors · 04/01/2025 02:27

Lorelielee · 04/01/2025 02:11

Maybe, he is a dick. Who knows.

But, remember his mam is here on a public forum sagging her son off and wanting validation from randoms. Her own son. So maybe he has reasons for being a dick.

Maybe he’s just an ungrateful child.
We’ll never know because this is an anonymous “public forum” where people come for advice and feedback from others.
Maybe you’re a dick. Maybe I am.
Anonymous people on the internet generally are.
What I do know is that the OP asked for advice and not a slagging off.
Savvy?

SkyBlueCloudyLakes · 04/01/2025 02:29

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:14

No it isn’t! It’s expecting that he’d actually think how lucky he’s been and want to give something back. Too many people encouraging fucking selfish entitled kids!

Show quote history

This!!! 1000x this
I can't understand how some people think it's unreasonable to ask your son one time! to perform for free on special birthday...
And the son demanding payment...crazy
So yes maybe in this case you should hire someone else and let your son join the party as guest, since he doesnt seem to be that keen on performing.

AbbyBradley · 04/01/2025 02:30

@CompleteOvaryAction The majority of these comments have made me want to vomit!

I hope you and your husband have a wonderful party - one that you both remember forever 💕✨

Would have been so charming and lovely if your son had wanted his band to play the music - as a thoughtful gift!! Certainly sounds like you and your husband would deserve that... Such a shame your son's brain works the bizarre way it does 🤨
Hope you find a decent band to hire if that's what you now decide to do.

Hopefully you both enjoy your special birthdays when they come around. ❤️💙

Snoopdoggydog123 · 04/01/2025 02:32

3rd year Student?
Where does he live?
Really hope he's not staying in your house, eating your food, using your electric, water and gas and not paying market rate.

Stuck up little shit he wouldn't be invited to my party if I were you.

Tourmalines · 04/01/2025 02:34

MartinCrieffsLemon · 04/01/2025 00:44

If he wad a brickie or a sparky or similar would you expect him to do work for you for free?

Of course he should if it’s only a few hours !!! How ungrateful can young adults be to charge their parents for a few hours job , keeping in mind it’s not ongoing! It’s a one off !! I guess in the future the parents can keep his Christmas gift money and use that to pay him if needed .Cheeky sod doesn’t even put his hand in his pocket for that. Hope he wont expect lots of free hours of babysitting his kids if he has any .