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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
CakeByTheSea · 07/01/2025 17:48

Mum of a musician here.
Music college is not really like uni, they are expected to be out there performing and earning as well as being taught and mentored, it is part of the learning process and it is drummed into them that they must be super careful about doing things for free, the Musicians Union is very protective of musicians. So it’s a bit unfair to label them as ‘just students’. And his immediate reaction sounds very much like he is quoting what the MU had told them.
For my son, parties like this are his workplace, a lot of pre gig rehearsal is needed, transport costs and turning down other work have to be factored in, it’s never a case of turn up and play. So he would much rather be a guest at a big family party than working, where he can’t drink or catch up with family. However as he is a generous man, he would probably not charge us but expect the rest of the band to be paid full whack.
Would you expect a chef son to cook everything for nothing and be stuck in the kitchen while the rest of the family party? My first instinct would be to want my son at the party having fun, not working.
The issue of him never having bought a present is a separate issue that needs addressing but not in the context of this party.

latetothefisting · 07/01/2025 21:38

EauNeu · 06/01/2025 20:44

Yeah those famous one off events, birthdays

Edited
Show quote history

um, yes, most people do only turn 50 (or whatever '0') OP is turning, once in their lives, that's sort of how the passage of time works?

Thepurplepig · 07/01/2025 21:40

Ponoka7 · 04/01/2025 00:31

So you'd pay the rest of the band, just not him?
I don't think that there should be mates rates and freebies, when supplying professional services.

So you would expect your parents to pay you for lifts and general help around the house when they’re older. Do not say it’s different because it’s not.

EauNeu · 07/01/2025 21:46

latetothefisting · 07/01/2025 21:38

um, yes, most people do only turn 50 (or whatever '0') OP is turning, once in their lives, that's sort of how the passage of time works?

Show quote history

Look I'm just gonna repeat myself because I don't think people are getting this
When you're a musician it's always something. Your parents, Sisters, brothers, cousins, aunties, uncles, your friends, parents friends, someone's having a birthday...50th, 51st, 52nd, an anniversary, it's new year, it's Christmas, it's a barbecue, a christening, a wedding, leaving do. People always want music but not enough to pay for it. It's so bad to set a precedent of giving freebies because then it's "but you did it last time"..."but it's my best friend... You don't want to embarrass me do you"

MartinCrieffsLemon · 07/01/2025 22:02

latetothefisting · 07/01/2025 21:38

um, yes, most people do only turn 50 (or whatever '0') OP is turning, once in their lives, that's sort of how the passage of time works?

Show quote history

The very fact you have mentioned being more than one "0" birthday it could be kinda makes the point it's not a one off

BonneMaman77 · 07/01/2025 22:04

If you can treat this objectively, then look through a few bands and pick the one you prefer. If it’s your DS then pay him. We pay ours when we ask them to do work so that they’ll do take it seriously and do the work properly.

How old is your DS and does he live with you or do you still in any way find him now? Eh if he owes you for fees/ room rent/ food bills then charge him for those in future.

I can understand your side tho, especially that the immediate response was about payment
not even about preferences! and other behaviours you seem to have issues on.

Tourmalines · 07/01/2025 22:57

EauNeu · 07/01/2025 21:46

Look I'm just gonna repeat myself because I don't think people are getting this
When you're a musician it's always something. Your parents, Sisters, brothers, cousins, aunties, uncles, your friends, parents friends, someone's having a birthday...50th, 51st, 52nd, an anniversary, it's new year, it's Christmas, it's a barbecue, a christening, a wedding, leaving do. People always want music but not enough to pay for it. It's so bad to set a precedent of giving freebies because then it's "but you did it last time"..."but it's my best friend... You don't want to embarrass me do you"

Show quote history

What nonsense. He had no problem telling his mother he EXPECTED to be paid so therefore I’m sure he can find the courage to tell anyone else the same .

Smallsalt · 07/01/2025 23:00

Ponoka7 · 04/01/2025 00:31

So you'd pay the rest of the band, just not him?
I don't think that there should be mates rates and freebies, when supplying professional services.

I was a professional musican and never once charged immediate family or wider family for any performance, and I did many.

KeepDancing74 · 08/01/2025 14:16

"...he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him."

He possibly 'appreciates' this all too well, and imagines you wouldn't want him to waste your money buying gifts for you.

Also, he's 'where he is now' because of talent and a great deal of hard work. As parents, we can pay for music lessons for our children, buy their instruments and ferry them to lessons and practice sessions, but only they can put in the many hours of practice it takes to be a great musician.

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