DS wants to charge

[CompleteOvaryAction]

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

I think you should pay your son and his band the going rate.

The idea he doesn't see you as people is concerning, I personally wouldn't pay him- I might tell his band mates that it is a bar to them getting the work-peer pressure is much more likely to get through to him than anything you say.
He is a third year student, so he is an adult, I would make sure any gifts or cash he receives are minimal until he reciprocates, my brother was like this- my Mum never insisted and he went on to be a very selfish adult who struggles with relationships, letting him get away with it will do him no favours in the long run.

Maybe he actually doesn’t want to do it but doesn’t like to say. Could be any number of reasons why. A family party is a lot of extra performance pressure!

Gosh. My brother is a plumber. He’d never charge mum for unblocking her sink!

Save the hassle & potential fall out & hire another band or get a DJ.

I don't understand how you can pay the other band members & not him.

Surely they have a set price for performing as a band that they split between them?

Yes, just hire a band yourselves. This way there is no issue with hard feelings that he wants to be paid (while the rest if the band is paid) but also no blurred lines between being a guest and being there to perform a service.

this way, he can purely attend as a guest.

id tell him that is the reason for hiring another band, not his. That upon reflection it is best he attends as a guest so there are no expectations or misunderstandings.

yes, it could be that he needs the money and could earn substantial sum (for him) booking a paid gig that night - but didn’t he attend your party as part of the family? We see the difference with mature eyes, he’s not seeing it that way, either due to immaturity or pure selfishness. Could be either or combination.

but learn from this. You now know what he’s like. You won’t get disappointed by him in the future.

congratulations on the birthdays and I hope you all have a blast.

I expect you are paid quite well. Most musicians are not. It's not easy to survive as a professional musician and if his family wants him to succeed they should pay the going rate

I fail to see as a once off gig at his own parents birthday celebration is going to have any bearing on weather he succeeds in the big world or not . Now remember, it’s a one off, not something he would be getting railroaded into every event for the rest of his life .

When you're a musician everyone wants a freebie. So yes it would.

Aside from which if this is a weekend night he could be losing actual paid work to do this.

I stopped singing professionally because of all the family that expected freebies. You possibly should have let him offer to play as his present to you.

I might have sung one song at my parent's birthday but actually enjoying the party would've been more important to me. This may be his awkward way of saying that you're asking him to work really hard for free and not get to enjoy the party - what exactly does he get out of that?

For all the people saying he should be paid, this isn’t just about whether musicians get the pay they deserve (just like writers and artists, the answer is usually that they’re not - the arts industry isn’t financially recognised in the same way as other businesses).
However in this case it seems OP’s DS is one of life’s takers, and therefore there’s a much bigger lesson to be learned for him here. If it was me, I’d have a proper chat about the importance of generosity and selflessness, book a different band and invite him as a guest.

She said : we'd expect to pay his band mates

'I have hesitated to have the conversation re gifts as it rather defeats the point to ask for a gift but maybe I could get an auntie or friend to mention it and see if the penny drops.
That's separate from the party/band/payment question of course, although springing from the same attitude I think.'

I think the gift thing is odd, OP, but I would tackle it yourself, much more hurtful for him to know you've talked to friends or one of his aunties about this.

I think you should pay the band their going rate and be proud of the fact that they're trying to make it as musicians, very churlish and hurtful to him (again) to flounce off and hire professionals, tad childish, imo, sorry! Seems your DH sees your son's point. People usually/often pay family brickies, sparkies, plumbers etc.
It should be a fun evening for all

The vast majority of posters are still not understanding what actually happened. OP might well have paid him had it not been for the way the conversation went (which I wish she'd put in the OP so that people 'got it')

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

That his instant response to the question was about money, is what is a punch to the stomach.

He should do it as a birthday present for you both. But the problem is that he never gets either of you any presents, so that's why he hasn't offered. He is used to only taking from you, that's the bigger problem.

I used to be in a band pre kids and we're booked for events by friends.
We offered them a cheaper rate to the usual 'event fee'.
Bands will charge £1k+ for functions and we literally did it for £200 because they were a good friend to the band.
I would offer my own solo service for free to my mum (my band would have done it for free also but they are a lot older than your son with a lot more life and music experience) but I wouldn't expect others to do so.
Have you asked how much they would charge?
I do understand why your upset but I'd suck it up if you want to give them exposure and pay them.

Just wanted to add that other functions we charged £800-£1500 depending on location and there were 5 of us

OP have you asked him to perform for free before?
Because I can imagine he would immediately ask for payment if he's used to being expected to give out freebies

(And it wouldn't be just one event. because then Auntie would be like "Your mother said you did it for free. Why can't you do ours for free too?" Etc)

What part of once off gig for his parents special birthday event don’t you get . I’d hardly call doing something lovely for your parents a freebie . What he does with every other Tom Dick or Harry is up to him .This will not cost him his future .

Yeah those famous one off events, birthdays

Me too.

A big special one for his PARENTS only and probably never another.

It’s just a situation where you both stand to be insulted - you if he charges and him if you don’t pay him. Don’t mix business and pleasure!!

Not sure if this has already been said, but I think I’d say we’re paying your band mates to play but as you’ve never brought us a Christmas or birthday present we thought this might be your gift to us. If we don’t hire you, yes we expect a lovely gift from you instead

You pay the whole band or not at all. Most bands split the fee equally among its members.