Page 5 | DS wants to charge

CompleteOvaryAction · 2025-01-04T00:29:03+00:00

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday. Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services. I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too. It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration. Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point? I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:39

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 04/01/2025 01:34

I voted YABU.

People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free. If he is providing the entertainment at your party he will not be able to enjoy it in the usual way, and it's not unreasonable for his starting point to be that he will be charging for his services. If that is not acceptable to you then you can hire someone else.

You mention he is generous with others but not with you, so that suggests he cares for and is cognisant of the position of others. If you would like him to be more generous with you, then I'd suggest you have a conversation with him about this. Perhaps he is unaware that this matters to you and/or that he comes across as viewing you as a 'cash machine'. (Also, if you don't want to be treated like a cash machine, don't act like one - he is spoilt only to the extent you spoil him. If he doesn't act like he appreciates your generosity, then let him know.)

@AnotherCrazyCatLady People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

People in the parenting industry are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

PennyApril54 · 04/01/2025 01:40

I think you could suggest him playing is his gift?

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:40

misunderstoodmetoo · 04/01/2025 01:34

I agree the bandmates do add complexity. And OP might well have concluded that she wouldn't want her son 'working' for free and his friends getting paid.

I actually think the best thing to have happened from an etiquette perspective would be for OP to have asked for her son's rate, her son would have insisted 'absolutely no chance you're paying, you're my parents this is my gift to you' and then OP would have been v grateful and would probably have treated him somehow to thank him. This kind of polite off is what generally happens with my family/friends where there is mates rates involved.

But the son made that an impossibility because he jumped in immediately with 'you'll have to pay me', which is just such an ungracious thing to say to your parents IMO.

I was initially ''you should pay him''...but then, when he is being expensively supported, and doesn't even buy his mum a box of chocolates or book, it does seem like he is being rather tight and 'greedy'.

My son and I had it really tight financially, after his dad left {I had mortgage on my own then} but son always bought me something with his own pocket money, which I treasure. {He's an adult now}.

Spoiling can create kids who are quite grabby.

Guest100 · 04/01/2025 01:40

I agree that people shouldn’t give away services for free, but a kid that’s parents have just put him through uni should absolutely not expect payment. But not his band, if you want the entire band you pay the going rate.
DS isn’t horrible and selfish, he is still young and doesn’t have a fully developed brain yet.
In this case I would just hire someone else.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:41

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:39

@AnotherCrazyCatLady People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

People in the parenting industry are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

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I love this response!

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 01:41

You want him to get on in life and become a professional musician, don’t you? Well this is showing you that he has what it takes. Amateurs give mates rates, professionals know how much they are worth.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 01:43

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 01:41

You want him to get on in life and become a professional musician, don’t you? Well this is showing you that he has what it takes. Amateurs give mates rates, professionals know how much they are worth.

They are worth 3 years of University fees so can perhaps give a little back?

Also what a load of shit. Every major artist has done something for free at one time or another. Sounds like the kind of wanky waffle you hear from a mediocre TED talk

BurgundyBear · 04/01/2025 01:43

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

I’d pay ‘mates rates’ for the birthday gig.
But never buying you or his Dad a birthday or Xmas present is just not on. Why haven’t you raised this years ago? Even a token gift would be expected.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:43

user1492757084 · 04/01/2025 01:34

We were privileged to pay full asking price to our god daughter when she played music at a party for my daughter.

You already have the advantage of getting the band.

I would never ask for a financial discount or favour.
I would pay what is asked and throw in some chocolates.

@user1492757084

and this is exactly why young people are becoming more and more selfish, entitled and plain fucking grabby!!!

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:44

Guest100 · 04/01/2025 01:40

I agree that people shouldn’t give away services for free, but a kid that’s parents have just put him through uni should absolutely not expect payment. But not his band, if you want the entire band you pay the going rate.
DS isn’t horrible and selfish, he is still young and doesn’t have a fully developed brain yet.
In this case I would just hire someone else.

How come some kids who have had it quite ''tough'' are much more generous to their mums? Kids spending paper round money on their mum's present or using their meagre pocket money-?
OP's son is being selfish as he has been supported and probably spoiled financially by his parents and can't even buy his mum a simple box of chocolates or a book..it was reading this that changed my mind.

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:44

DressOrSkirt · 04/01/2025 01:35

I'm surprised so many people think their children shouldn't be paid for work. Of course you should pay him!

@DressOrSkirt I’m more surprised that he immediately said “you’ll have to pay me” when his parents asked. Fair enough if they wanted him to paint rooms, for example, but playing for their special birthday do?! Not the other band members of course, they get their usual fee.

I don’t think that it would occur to my teenagers not to offer whatever talents they had for free for their parent’s birthday party.

Sooverwork · 04/01/2025 01:45

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

In the OP it was stated that she would pay the other band members

Berlinlover · 04/01/2025 01:46

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

Go back and read the OP again. 🙄

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:47

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:44

@DressOrSkirt I’m more surprised that he immediately said “you’ll have to pay me” when his parents asked. Fair enough if they wanted him to paint rooms, for example, but playing for their special birthday do?! Not the other band members of course, they get their usual fee.

I don’t think that it would occur to my teenagers not to offer whatever talents they had for free for their parent’s birthday party.

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Agreed- I paid son because he was hauling down a filthy black mortar ceiling in a heatwave {alongside me!} but playing at a garden party is nice and clean.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:47

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 01:41

You want him to get on in life and become a professional musician, don’t you? Well this is showing you that he has what it takes. Amateurs give mates rates, professionals know how much they are worth.

Total shite!

Sorry! Just remind me again is it Chris Martin she’s invited to play?

Topsyturvy78 · 04/01/2025 01:48

But your happy paying his band mates. What about suggesting he does it free as a gift?

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:49

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:47

Total shite!

Sorry! Just remind me again is it Chris Martin she’s invited to play?

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@Prettydisgustingactually I wonder whether he’d charge his Mum his usual fee to play at her birthday party?! 🤣 £££££££

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 01:50

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 01:32

I’d rather pay another band double, even if they were shit, rather than my mean spirited son who has never once bought either of his parents a bloody gift

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Cool? Bit of an odd way to spend your money IMO. I might feel slightly differently if this was just him turning up to sing over the PA or play guitar, but they want his whole band, which means lugging instruments, amps and maybe speakers and a sound board/desk...

Let's say they charge £500 for a gig and there's four of them...are you seriously knocking 125 quid off?

Getting paid for your work is a super hot topic for musicians at the moment, at a time when nobody is paying for music, everyone wants you to work for 'exposure' and gigging is the only realistic way to earn.

I'd be super proud to have hired my kid's band :)

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:50

Topsyturvy78 · 04/01/2025 01:48

But your happy paying his band mates. What about suggesting he does it free as a gift?

I think it's the principal that has upset op.

The fact that he immediately demanded payment.
She could hire a professional band {there are some good ones about} and her son can just enjoy the party.

Lorelielee · 04/01/2025 01:50

I think you should be proud to pay your son for his services. As you say, you have funded his musical degree. Surely a musical degree end goal is to play music that is good enough to earn a living from. That's what he wants to do. Surely playing quality gigs and getting paid enhances your investment in his education This is a chance for you to show case your investment.

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 01:51

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:15

Weird logic. OP has funded him for 3 years through uni. Maybe an ideal opportunity to say thanks mum and dad for all your support and encouragement through the years.

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That might come when he’s made it in the industry, not when he’s just starting out as a struggling newcomer.

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 04/01/2025 01:52

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:39

@AnotherCrazyCatLady People in the creative industries are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

People in the parenting industry are constantly expected to provide their labour for free.

Show quote history

So you're saying that kids 'owe' their parents because those parents chose to have children?? Isn't the whole POINT of having children that it's a huge amount of work, with no guarantees that you'll be 'repaid'?

The parents have a choice about the degree of support they provide their now-adult child. If the OP is getting resentful that she is shelling out for her son's university education but he doesn't buy her so much as a box of chocolates, then she can tell him that he doesn't seem to be grateful for or to reciprocate her generosity, so she's not giving it anymore!

Guest100 · 04/01/2025 01:53

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:44

How come some kids who have had it quite ''tough'' are much more generous to their mums? Kids spending paper round money on their mum's present or using their meagre pocket money-?
OP's son is being selfish as he has been supported and probably spoiled financially by his parents and can't even buy his mum a simple box of chocolates or a book..it was reading this that changed my mind.

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It’s usually the way with kids that haven’t had everything handed to them. Hopefully he grows up. But I wouldn’t pay him on principle. Which is why I suggested hiring someone else. And because I imagine he would probably half arse it even if he is paid.

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 01:53

BruFord · 04/01/2025 01:44

@DressOrSkirt I’m more surprised that he immediately said “you’ll have to pay me” when his parents asked. Fair enough if they wanted him to paint rooms, for example, but playing for their special birthday do?! Not the other band members of course, they get their usual fee.

I don’t think that it would occur to my teenagers not to offer whatever talents they had for free for their parent’s birthday party.

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Did he say "You'll have to pay me" though, or did he say "The band's fee is £XXX"

Band members don't have individual fees, they get paid and divvy up.

I agree it might have been nice of him to offer, but he didn't. The parents requested the band, so they should pay for the band 🤷🏻‍♂️

oakleaffy · 04/01/2025 01:54

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

He takes you totally for granted, by the sounds of it.

You are ''The Bank of mum and Dad'' and he thinks he doesn't have to bother.