DS wants to charge

[CompleteOvaryAction]

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

It was not cool to single him out as the one not being paid. I think I would always have planned to pay them if they're good.

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

Eek he sounds quite grabby.

The son is a third year student, being funded by his parents. They've asked for a small favour, for a special birthday, and he's their son. Any nice person son would be delighted to offer to do this for his lovely parents. I seriously don't understand people who think otherwise.

Exactly this.

If you're hiring a band, you pay the band's fee, not the band's fee minus a percentage because one of them is your son.

He's a kid trying to make a few quid with his pals...put your hand in your pocket!

Definitely don’t pay him.

Does he live at home?

Scale back what you do for him. Massively.

Agreed you shouldn’t expect something for supporting your kids, but you’d surely hope that they’d be humble enough to not want paying and grateful that they were only in a position to get paid gigs because you’d made sacrifices to pay for their studies.

He sounds superior and entitled. I’d tell him to shove his guitar where the sun don’t shine and tell him that you cannot continue to fully fund him now that he’s making money from gigs.

Expecting him to work for free suggests everything he’s worked hard for for the past 3 years isn’t worth anything.

I would either hire another band or do without.

I’m taken aback that he’s expecting payment, I’d never charge my parents. Fair enough to pay the rest of the band, but he’s not being v. nice, tbh.

FFS, OP has already said she'd pay the bandmates. Repeatedly said so.

Exactly this!!!

She's already funding him through third year university.

I'm on your side OP. I can't imagine charging my parents for professional services in any circumstances.

But it's one of those things where the damage is done now surely? It's not that you don't want to pay him I imagine, it's that you want him to value your relationship enough that he wouldn't dream of having asked for payment? Maybe even put a bit of effort in for your special birthdays into learning a song you guys love or something! He's clearly not in that mindset and him performing for free begrudgingly wouldn't work for me.

Hopefully he'll become less self centred with time and willing to give more to you guys - if he's still at uni he is still young.

I'd make it clear that you find this attitude hurtful but that you understand and will pick another band.

No it isn’t! It’s expecting that he’d actually think how lucky he’s been and want to give something back. Too many people encouraging fucking selfish entitled kids!

Tell him that when children become adults, gifts and favours become reciprocal.

No more gifts or favours for him until he treats you as well as the other people in his life.

Weird logic. OP has funded him for 3 years through uni. Maybe an ideal opportunity to say thanks mum and dad for all your support and encouragement through the years.

She’s been putting it in her pocket for three years. He’s being an entitled dick!

wrong post. deleted.

How can he have got to his early 20s before you have noticed he is inherently selfish?

As to the original question, no I don't think yabu.

@PeppyGreenFinch Yes, I bought my parents gifts from my teens onwards, really pushed the boat out a couple of times and I’m glad that I did, because Mum died in my 20’s. He needs a reality check, he’s lucky to have two supportive parents.

💯

As to the actual state of play, in your shoes I would drop the idea and firmly, immovably hire other music. Sit back and contemplate your son's sense of entitlement.

I doubt all these “I’d never charge my parents” comments aren’t from people in creative industries. It’s completely standard to charge for creative work, no one would scrape a living if they did anything for free. He’ll have had it drilled into him at uni as well. Not buying you Xmas presents OP is completely separate. Does his sister work in a profession where you’ll also be expecting free work from her?

If you are paying the band then you should be paying him too. If you insist on being this way then don’t have DS band there at all and hire another band. Quite why you think it’s ok to pay the band and not your son is beyond me. They come as “ a band” so pay them ALL.