I said something that hurt him, and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 3 days.

[1Blueshoe]

Though he did reply once yesterday to say he was a bit pissed off about me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak. I wasn't saying that.
I had been drinking and I may have said things wrong, I will own that.
It is so painful and stressful to be ignored. I can't focus on anything else. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to talk to me now? Is it reasonable to need this much time and space to cool off? We don't live together so he has time and space by default. I've kept busy the last few days but the anguish is awful. I've told him it is painful. But there's no reply. He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent. I thought we were making progress past it but here we are again.

You can do this @1Blueshoe. Yes, the first few weeks and months will be hard and distressing, but things will improve with time. That’s when you get to live life on your terms again. No walking on eggshells when your DP won’t talk to you, no wondering why the hell he doesn’t just get divorced and commit properly to you. No longer listening politely when he drones on about something that interests him but you aren’t even remotely interested in (ok, so I made that last bit up, but does it happen?).

you get to take yourself on solo adventures, fill your days with the activities that you value, spend time with friends and family. Think of what you enjoy doing and make sure you are doing something at least once a week to fulfill yourself. Try or learn something new, go somewhere new, re-find your joy!

I know it’s not a legal divorce but frankly this kind of break up is a divorce in all but name so I’m not surprised you’re feeling like you do. I really recommend Helen Thornes Get Divorced, Be Happy. Some of the advice about processing, I think, will be extremely useful.

All I can say is well done you and keep going. You made a tough decision and prioritised yourself and that was hard and it’s even harder to keep doing that and not slip back! 💐

Think about him being willing to let you stand there waiting for him in the freezing cold.

He is more of a partner to ex than he ever was to you.

That said, contact your GP and see if they can give you a med for anxiety short term. Mine gave me a few doses of a rescue med when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and I couldn't sleep and same thing, mind racing, couldn't eat, chest pain. I also saw a counselor for a few sessions, maybe yours can see you quickly on an emergency basis.

I was thinking when I read that eh began texting you when you were writing the message to end things - I bet he’s seen you type - and seen that you were presumably writing a longish message, or it was taking you a while to send as you went over it etc, and he started to shit himself off his high horse and text the breezy how are you to try and head you off at the pass or pretend he was no longer acting like a fucking twat and all was well again.

You
made
the
right
decision
💐

Oh love, I'm so sorry. It's so painful and difficult, I've been exactly where you are. Please just try to focus on the basics, make sure you're forcing a bit of food down and drinking enough water. It does get easier eventually I promise.

You're grieving the future you thought you were going to have as well as the relationship itself and your brain will naturally remember the good times and make you miss him. It might help to think of some of the shitty ways he's treated you and how it made you feel, to remind yourself why you've done this.

Think about the anxiety of being ignored for days on end, how it felt knowing he wouldn't properly commit to you for so many years. Write them down and read them back when you have a low moment. You can do this.

I had that thought too.
Thank you

@1Blueshoe hang in there girl Right now try to cut your day into segments. This morning you are going to do a/b/c. And then when you have done that, this afternoon you are going to do x/y/z. Then for this evening too. Then it is completely okay to congratulate yourself for getting through that segment.

You are coming out of a long term habit. It is not easy to just break a habit. You will have a sense of mourning if you like, it is not abnormal. Your life just took a 360 and that is totally unsettling.

Try to break your routine as much as possible. Can you travel a different route to work.
If you eat supper in front of the tv, sit at the table.

Instead of scrolling tiktok, read a book.

Try to get out as much as possible.

Can you go with a friend to the cinema.
Could you change your lounge around a bit. Or even new bedding on your bed.
Go and have a haircut, maybe even just a wash and dry if you don't need one.
And as a complete act of rebellion, is there anything that your ex really disliked that you do like. Go on and eat that thing, do that thing. With no judgement, and see how it feels. I think you will feel a whole sense of freedom.

These may not apply to you, but ideas of little tiny things that could go a long way to change things up a little bit.

Keep posting. Many of us have been there, and do understand.

You can do this.

Great advice!

It’s almost impossible to end a relationship without some sort of pain and upset - even posters on here write about feeling distraught when platonic friends cut them off. It’s part of having your life overlap with another’s. But everything you wrote makes it really clear you’ve done the right thing. It would be easiest to return to him, of course, as that’s like shoving a plaster on the pain but you know this needs to be one where you rip the plaster right off. It’s done. Keep going. Every day that you keep your distance and refuse to settle for him is a day where 1) you start to feel better and 2) you possibly meet the better person that deserves you.

This has been so helpful, because my friends are all saying how he's such a good guy and he adores me. The bare facts removed from personalities are what all the commenters here are using and that's been really helpful.
I cant stop myself continually trying to work it all out though. I think his behaviour is passive aggressive, or that he tries so hard to deny his own feelings and be passive, that is doing himself (and others)damage. I'm not going back to him because of the negative impact this has had on me, and because I think a previous comment was probably right, that he was looking for an out but kept denying it to himself. I think now I understand where he learned the passive aggression too though it's extremely subtle.
Ugh . From here on I will try to focus on people's impact on me, rather than their conscious or unconscious motivations. Though its addictive trying to work it all out.

I don’t know why, but your friends are not being very wise or helpful about this at all. Are they actually saying you should get back with him?

I would never call a married man who has been stringing my friend along for a decade, and regularly gives her the silent treatment a “good man” who “adores” her.

Especially when he’s clearly had a negative impact on your self esteem for you to tolerate this.

Or do they have very low standards? Is this normal for them?

Well said! Impact not intention is what matters!

Me again.
He's written me a letter full of lots of thoughts, feelings, worries, anger, care, angst, regret, etc, saying he'll work on himself, his emotional inaccessibility, communication issues. It was a struggle to fight the urge to immediately relieve him. But also I have overdosed lately on youtube videos about avoidant attachment so I'm wary of believing anything at the moment and wary of removing the stakes for him to change - not that I'm waiting for that. He needs to do it for himself, and what he wants right now is for me to relieve his immediate pain, not to actually change anything. Actions speak louder etc.
I realized also that the times when we were feeling connected were immediately after a near breakup, and then the minute the pressure is off, he was avoidant again. So... I can't keep on with the cycle. I do actually hope he'll do a lot of self awareness work on himself but that will take years and I can't spend my life waiting.

I think you need to cease communication with this man, Op. No good will come out of remaining in any form of contact or considering even the remote possibility of a future together.

I think you have to accept whatever he says or even does is too little too late for the two of you, there’s too much water under the bridge and you just need to move on and close that door. Also it’s very rare for a man of that age with his history and baggage to do a 180 and change completely. He is who he is!

I‘m assuming he said nothing about having filed for divorce in that letter? As you said - actions speak louder than words.

This is all about him, and his unhealthy attachments and inability to let go of relationships that aren’t working - not you and your needs . If he had a scrap of decency he would leave you alone as he must know he’s not good for you.

OP my ex was like this. He could go up to two weeks of not speaking to me and we lived in the same house! I would tip toe around on eggshells. Then one day I realised I was wasting my life and asked him to move out. 7 years later I'm now engaged to a great man. Don't let this man ruin your happiness.

Sounds like you've made the right decision to end it OP. If you go back to him now, it will just be history repeating itself. Time to move on and not look back.

Just found this.

What you did here was mock someone else due to your own ignorance.

I hope you felt chastened when pp explained it to you and you'll look things up in future before sticking the boot in.

Another update. Well, that was an incredibly hard month, when most of the time it felt like I was never going to stop feeling heart broken. I was flooded with stress and pain. It felt like time was dragging by and everything was awful. The letter he wrote definitely set me back. I've cried til I was dehydrated, lol.
Today at the end of January, I feel a little stronger, a little less tired, a little clearer headed. I am not craving his presence as much. I feel like I'm healing, slowly. I know this improvement may be temporary too - January has been a rollercoaster.

I've been running, have been to a masseuse to sort of flush out stress, counsellor, hung out with friends, and overdosed on Jimmy on Relationships and other YouTubers. I've also been doing the 'ideal parents' meditation on youtube and that has been really helpful. I also did an attachment style quiz online. Apparently I'm a secure attacher. That was a surprise.
It is amazing how helpful it has been just to post about my situation on mumsnet - no names, no personalities, just the situation (from my perspective) - and get a whole range of advice and reactions. It gave me a lot of clarity. thank you.

Move on. He is a child playing mind games. No one needs that in their life. Life is hard enough.

I would normally agree but when it is reversed women get given an achievement award and endless pats on the backs

Have you sent a calm message that is not pleading but just a reminder of what was agreed about sulking. Something like ' You are sulking again and we discussed it in therapy. Do you remember promising not to do it again? If this keeps happening, I am not sure we have a future. When can we meet to talk?'

Don't give an ultimatum, but make it clear you are rethinking your relationship, which you are. If he ignores that, it tells you a lot and maybe you don't need an ultimatum, you need to decide if you are willing leave and then just do it

If he does reply and starts communicating again, then don't let it go, remind him about how he said he would not do this again and how can you both work out a way that it does not happen again. Work out a stategy together - for example maybe you can both agree a reasonable for him to calm down if he is upset. For that agreed amonut of time you will leave him alone . After that time is up, if he does not contact you first you will text him to remind him his silent time is up and to arrange a time to talk.

Then when ihe ignores you again over something (and he will probably despite his promise not to as it is obviously a very ingrained habit) use the startegy you have agreed, this will make you feel more in control at the time he is ignoring you. If he does not keep his end of the bargain, to stop the silence after a reminder thatat the agreed time is up, then that really is time to leave - no ultimatum needed

Edit : sorry didn't mean to quote anyone ! Just addressing the op

Sorry seen all your updates!. Well done on doing the right thing.

Hang on op. Do not apologise for how you ended it. If he has a go you say excuse me- you were giving me the silent treatment for DAYS like you’re a 13 year old, how the fuck else am I supposed to communicate wiht you when talking like normal people is off the table? Would you like me to type it out and mail it as a registered letter? Here’s an amazing idea- don’t stomp off for days and give partners the silent treatment and maybe they won’t have to share major relationship decisions by text message. You can try that next time you’re in a relationship because you got my text, this one is over.

Oops I see the date, this thread is a year old