I said something that hurt him, and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 3 days.

[1Blueshoe]

Though he did reply once yesterday to say he was a bit pissed off about me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak. I wasn't saying that.
I had been drinking and I may have said things wrong, I will own that.
It is so painful and stressful to be ignored. I can't focus on anything else. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to talk to me now? Is it reasonable to need this much time and space to cool off? We don't live together so he has time and space by default. I've kept busy the last few days but the anguish is awful. I've told him it is painful. But there's no reply. He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent. I thought we were making progress past it but here we are again.

My ex used to do this. Once he didn’t speak to me for 6wks and we lived together with kids. I left him. It’s abuse.

@1Blueshoe How did it go, OP? Pleeeeease tell me he didn't manage to talk you round with false promises to 'change'

I hope it went okay OP.

Funny how he can drop everything now after your text to meet you to talk, when he didn't want to do any of that for 3 days. Ball is in your court now.

Do not let him talk you around.

I think starting this thread was a good thing, as an eye opener at least ... To things that have been brushed aside for many years.

No. It was actually fine. I felt strong and didn't buckle, and we hugged and went out separate ways. I don't think he has fully accepted it's over, but I think we have ended it well. It is sad and horribly painful but I'm glad I've done it. He is not only the negative things I've mentioned here but the good times can't make up for the cycle of poor communication, and stonewalling punishments, and the lack of action over things that have been bothering me for years. I hope he will get help and build up communication skills before his next relationship, and maybe get therapy to get over his long dead marriage.
I'm scared of the turmoil coming over the next few weeks when the adrenaline leaves so I will maybe pop back into this thread for support at times!

💕💕💕

Nonsense. He jerked you around fir ten years. He doesn’t deserve a face to face. If you go just give him the silent treatment snd walk away while he is talking to you.

You owed him nothing.
You are too good for him.
Mind yourself and come back for a chat any time.

Well done for ending it, and sticking with your decision when you met up OP. You definitely deserve better, and won't find it if you hang around waiting for a guy like this to get his arse in gear and make some decisions.

You've said you'll come back here if the going gets tough over the coming weeks, make sure you do, as there are so many of us who've been through these situations, and having support when you need it, can save you from making a poor decision simply because you're feeling lonely and/or low.

If you can afford it, go out and treat yourself to some new clothes, make up, hairstyle, whatever makes you feel good about yourself, as a bit of self care can really give you a boost in this sort of situation. Oh, and if you don't normally have an exercise routine, make sure you get out for a good walk if you're feeling a bit low, as that can really help too. Good luck for your new life in 2025!

I hope you can see clearer now that you have done the right thing for you OP.

It's hard, we all get that and it's okay to feel a bit disoriented for a bit.

Just also be aware that he is most likely going to try up his game now, promise you the world. Will change, will maybe even get that document sorted. Will promise to never blank you again blah blah. When he messages you (and chances are he will) post here for some suooort if you need to. Many of us have been where you are, so do get it.

Onwards and upwards @1Blueshoe

And as per pp, go out and spoil yourself a little. It can be something as simple as a slice of cake and coffee. Just something you don't normally do.

You made the right decision OP and well done on not letting him talk you out of it , although it’s not apparent to me that he even tried? If he never, this is perhaps on brand considering the nature of your relationship.

I don't think he has fully accepted it's over

Well it’s taken him 10 years + to divorce following his separation, so he clearly has an issue with letting go in certain relationships.

It’ll be interesting to see if he’s able to make a clean break from you or not, which he hasn’t been able to do with his wife!

It helped that he took an hour to respond about meeting up, and suggested an hour after the time I suggested, and was 10 minutes late as I stood in the freezing cold, (he is never late so this was a decision) and didn't try very hard to talk me out of it, though I didn't really give him the opportunity for that.

"Well it’s taken him 10 years + to divorce following his separation, so he clearly has an issue with letting go in certain relationships."
This is good for me to hear. He repeated the excuse yesterday that he didn't want to rock the boat in terms of his children as a reason for not divorcing and it really bothered me that he's still telling himself that after all these years and when we are breaking up. He said maybe there's an element of truth that he's been keeping me at arms length to avoid heartbreak. And I said yeah I'm glad you avoided that. He said he didn't, etc. it's the stuck-ness that killed it off in the end and the three days of stonewalling was the catalyst. He didn't say anything new yesterday really. But I did. I so wish he would evolve, take responsibility for learning communication skills, self reflect, and be more decisive because he has so many great qualities. I hope he will do some work on himself before his next relationship so he doesn't keep continuing this cycle. And I need to on myself as well, to make sure I don't put up with maltreatment again. I've got counselling lined up for next week. This is so hard.

Your second post - the answer to this is you don’t answer him, you don’t open the door. You block him and go on with your life

you owe this abusive (and weak) prick literally nothing

bullies bully out of weakness. Abusers abuse from a position of weakness. What he told you is that you think he’s weak

you did nothing of the sort. HE thinks (knows) he’s weak.

bin him, bin him, bin him, bin him, bin him, bin him, bin him, bin him, bin him.

this will be the single best decision you will make.

I'm proud of you, internet stranger. Well done. You can do this.

So glad it’s over.

so glad you have counselling lined up, this will really help you.

stonewalling is a serious level of abuse, and you have to promise yourself that you won’t ever allow it to happen to you again.

someone tried that with me once, I warned him- you give me the silent treatment again and I’m done. He did it, I ended it and never spoke to him again. This was a short relationship but the fundamentals have to be the same. Zero tolerance for bad/manipulative behaviour.

of course you’re going to have to learn to spot the small red flags, but try to tune into your gut, it will help you see what makes you feel uneasy and what doesn’t.

what he does next is - and never was - anything you can change. He has to make himself the best version of himself. But it’s not your job.

you mentioned being concerned about turmoil coming from him. STOP! Don’t allow any of this. If he texts you trying to draw you into his life again, tell him that you’re not going to be a part of his life/issues and that you’ll block him, just so he’s clear on this

you must cut him off. Seriously, I know it’s hard, but sometimes we need to do things that are difficult, this is one of them. It’s critical to your recovery and growth

I disagree with many here.
I serve silent treatment when someone has hurt me so badly that I need time to heal, I literally cannot speak in those instances as speaking would make me suffer even more.
What makes me recover is only kindness, dialogue and understanding.

Just wanted to give my insights, however it is your man so you know him more than anyone else here.

Update:
After reading the evolution I understand you have done what is right for you both. Possibly he is in need of help

But do you actually say,” I can’t speak to you now, I need space etc.. “ or do you just ignore them completely?

Late to this thread and have only read OP posts.

But IMHO you’ve definitely done the right thing. The silent treatment is a very damaging form of abuse. It’s healthy to ask for a cooling off period (e.g. if you don’t live together maybe a day) to process emotions before you talk. But it’s vital to communicate this and set a deadline, out of respect for the other person. Healthy and mature communicators then talk about how your behaviour made them feel and suggest what could be done (by you both) to solve the problem.

In a healthy relationship, you should be able to let him know how it makes you feel when he puts off decisions, without him punishing you for your open communication. Obvs blurting it out when drunk wasn’t the best way! You should have felt safe to speak to him about it before, without fear of him ‘punishing’ you with silent treatment.

Maybe it’s just my experience, but I find lots of men are shocking procrastinators and it tends to be their female partner who drives their life forwards. Left to their own devices, they’ll have a tendency to put things off or avoid making decisions. This avoidance can also be reflected in their communication style. They’ll avoid talking about how they feel in a relationship or about future planning. And will sulk or give silent treatment when their partner tries to discuss how this makes them feel.

It’s unhealthy and can be abusive (emotional). It’s their problem to address. If they can’t see the problem or don’t want to address it, IMHO it’s best to end the relationship as it can never be fully healthy.

It's tough because you can see how good the relationship could have been had he been more proactive in sorting his divorce, taken responsibility, not stonewalling etc but for whatever reason he didn't have it in him to do better. You are feeling grief over the loss of what might have been. It will be a long bumpy road but it will get easier with time. There'll come a day you'll regret not having dumped him sooner.

I came back to say good on you! Ending a relationship is scary and deeply upsetting, so it took a lot of courage to make this decision and to see it through. It leaves a gap that you will notice and that’s where the emotional pain can creep in. I’ve found that it’s tempting to remember the good times of the past and push down the recent memories that led to the decision to part, when you’re missing someone. Use this thread to remind yourself why you’re better off without him and fill the space he leaves with friends, family and activities to keep you busy, until the pain passes.

Also, in my own personal experience, as well as witnessing the end of relationships of friends and family, often a man will react later than a woman, which means that right now, he may seem to be responding nicely, but when reality finally hits for him, he might reach out to try to reignite things. If you’re in the pain stage, that’s where you have to be careful, as you’ll be more susceptible to promises that he will change. Also be mindful of the way he reaches out. If the effort is minimal, he’s not really serious about putting in the work to make it a worthwhile relationship.

Good luck and stay strong! A better future awaits you.

It helped that he took an hour to respond about meeting up, and suggested an hour after the time I suggested, and was 10 minutes late as I stood in the freezing cold, (he is never late so this was a decision) and didn't try very hard to talk me out of it, though I didn't really give him the opportunity for that.

Oh wow he isn’t even hiding his disrespect
and contempt. He clearly did this to make you feel small, either he was trying “treat ‘em keep ‘em keen” nonsense on you or he wanted to encourage you to stick to your decision as he has been looking for an out . I suspect the latter, but it’s very spiteful either way.

He repeated the excuse yesterday that he didn't want to rock the boat in terms of his children as a reason for not divorcing

If he’s separated long term from his children’s mother how would it affect them anymore because he follows up on it on legally with paperwork? Either way their parents are not together! Unless they are in a way together, perhaps emotionally? It just makes me wonder if they’ve fully ended things because there’s a wife involved who is also happily not divorcing too which is interesting.

I hope he will do some work on himself before his next relationship so he doesn't keep continuing this cycle

I hope he doesn’t get into another new relationship again, him and his wife should realistically just get back with each other and not inflict this weird dynamic on anyone else. It doesn’t seem as if they can/want to move on.

I wish all women would refuse to entertain men like this who are still married or living with exes etc. it’s always a bad sign.

Yeah I can imagine it’s very hard, Op, you’ve did a brave and difficult thing - but sounds like you’re on the right path to healing and recovery.

I am not sure if you are talking about going NC or LC here, because if you are personally I would separate no contact which is sometimes a valid response - from “the silent treatment” although I guess the lines are blurred.

I think if you need to take days or weeks off at a time from speaking to your actual partner on a regular basis, then the relationship is done though and you should just respect both yourself and them by just cutting them off permanently through ending things instead of giving them the silent treatment.

I see the silent treatment as when you’re happy to keep someone around on a string so if they cause offence or hurt, you cut them off intermittently as and when it suits you but expect them to be waiting for you when you get over it .

I mean Op has been very hurt and disrespected by this married man who has strung her along for ten years, but she’s done the decent thing and ended things rather than “giving the silent treatment”.

ETA: That’s why I didn’t tolerate it from my ex, I felt either he thought i was super terrible to give me the silent treatment and therefore I should cut him loose for his sake or he was doing it to punish me which meant I should cut him loose for my sake. Either way it just didn’t make sense to be in a relationship and build a life with someone who thought cutting me off for days at a time was an acceptable response.

I am proud of you for managing what sounds like a very uncomfortable meeting.

I also agree with @Thecrawdadssing in here analysis of his choices in the ending. He showed utter contempt for OP and the relationship they were supposedly having. Contempt for OP’s time, comfort, safety, experience in setting and keeping the meeting. And contempt for the time and affection she gave him during the course of the relationship.

Lots of therapy is needed to unpick the history and experiences that made Op accept this stale, half life for a real relationship—and to understand why she ritualistically refers to his future needs, wants, happiness, relationship goals rather than getting angry that he so contemptuously wasted her time for ten years and then walked away without so much as a limp apology. “Maybe he was holding you at arm’s length” that is the sole concession he made to recognizing that his behavior was less than perfect?

And OP still feels obligated by some benighted good girl fantasy to wish him better luck next time?

After a very difficult week of no contact (which I asked for) between us I could really do with a pep talk from you all.
I have no appetite, terrible anxiety, am unable to get to sleep, thoughts continually cycling, and basically I feel like I'm having one long heart attack. Time is going very very slowly.

Get up. Listen to heavy metal. Join a cycling club. Get a dog that needs walking. Do anything that exhausts you all day and is different from your former life. This is not a matter of thinking it is a matter of doing. Do your life.