I said something that hurt him, and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 3 days.

[1Blueshoe]

Though he did reply once yesterday to say he was a bit pissed off about me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak. I wasn't saying that.
I had been drinking and I may have said things wrong, I will own that.
It is so painful and stressful to be ignored. I can't focus on anything else. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to talk to me now? Is it reasonable to need this much time and space to cool off? We don't live together so he has time and space by default. I've kept busy the last few days but the anguish is awful. I've told him it is painful. But there's no reply. He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent. I thought we were making progress past it but here we are again.

And what do I do when he makes contact or comes over as I'm sure he will do eventually.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Don't waste your one, precious life with this sulky, manipulative man baby.

OP, this is not healthy.
This is toxic.
The silent treatment is punishment.
You need to be brave and realise that to continue in this relationship will only bring you sadness and regret.

Text this: ‘it’s over. I am blocking you now. Do not contact me again’

Bin him

OP, silent treatment is abuse. You deserve better.

How old?
How long have you been together?

Do you usually grovel?

You tell him that you are not compatible.
He is abusive and you do not want a future with an abusive man who needs to punish you the minute you say the wrong thing.
You say you deserve better, because you do.

Don't settle for a petty manchild.

Jeez why to people do this, if he was hurt he needs to talk about why, silent treatment is ridiculous. Ignore and move on op. Who has time for such childish nonsense!

Silent treatment is so petty and childish. I wouldn’t put up with it myself.

He’s intentionally making you feel awful. You are willing to talk, he is not. He is punishing you. This is not normal behaviour. You say it’s repetitive.

You need to leave the relationship

As ever, first post absolutely nails it.

He will do this forever, so you need to decide if you're willing to live with it or not.

Just dump him, it'll feel so liberating!

The silent treatment is listed as domestic violence OP..it's abusive.

I wouldn't do anything. I'd get on with my life and see him when I could be bothered. Then there would be a come to Jesus conversation saying that if he ever gives the silent treatment again, then he needs not get in contact again because it's over.

In our 40s. No I don't grovel and sometimes he does actually think things through and sometimes he does apologise. I told him it was painful so I can be sure he knows what he's doing to me.

I have a partner (we also don't live together) who isn't good at advocating for what he wants, end ups 'going with the flow' and then getting grumpy because he's not enjoying himself.

It's caused quite a lot of stress because I then spend time worrying that he's not saying what he really wants and I am constantly on edge.

We've been to therapy about this and things have improved but during that process the topic of toxic communication styles came up - and stonewalling is the most toxic of all.

There is a difference between saying 'look I'm really struggling with what you said, I need some time to process but I promise I'm still here' and using silence as a weapon.

If this is a regular occurrence, I'd suggest it's the latter. Would he consider counselling? What's he like generally? Are there any other red flags?

I used to work with a woman who did this to her dh for weeks. I told her it was cruel and emotionally abusive but she just couldn't help herself and would come into work and tell us all. it was for the most petty reasons. They are still together, poor man.
If he regularly does this you've gotta bin him, it's not good for your self-esteem.

Gamer chick, I think you are right.
I am not a fan of ultimatums in general, not sure why, but yes, I think this is the answer and I will need to stick to it.

Not sure if this is behind a paywall or not. It discusses the pain of the silent treatment

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/

He isn't going to change in his 40s. This is his reaction to being hurt and upset - he punishes you. If you can face a lifetime of this, go ahead and take his call in a couple of days. If you think you deserve better, when he calls tell him you have no intention of living like this so you wish him well for the future but you are gone.

I can't emphasise enough how important good communication is in a relationship. If you can't sort out problems then finish the relationship.

If you find you keep having the same arguments, he stonewalls you, he turns it back on you and blames you or ignores you - finish the relationship.

You cannot have a successful relationship with someone who can't communicate.

I'd be willing to give someone 24hrs to think and have space but I'd not put up with 3 days of silence, it would be the end of whatever relationship it is, especially if we lived together.

I think this is him. We went to counselling in September at my insistence and the counsellor told him to stop sulking. He said things like the penny had dropped, and I did think we were starting to make progress. But now I'm not sure.

This is who he is, he will not change. Choose a chance of happiness away from him. What you said was so minor.

Either leave him or spend the rest of your life tip toeing around him being scared of upsetting him.

Choose better for yourself

He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent.

Both of those things can't be true.

Tell him to fuck off. Stop being a doormat.