I said something that hurt him, and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 3 days.

[1Blueshoe]

Though he did reply once yesterday to say he was a bit pissed off about me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak. I wasn't saying that.
I had been drinking and I may have said things wrong, I will own that.
It is so painful and stressful to be ignored. I can't focus on anything else. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to talk to me now? Is it reasonable to need this much time and space to cool off? We don't live together so he has time and space by default. I've kept busy the last few days but the anguish is awful. I've told him it is painful. But there's no reply. He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent. I thought we were making progress past it but here we are again.

I said something that hurt him

No you didn't. You said something that he could gleefully seize on to interpret (or more likely pretend to interpret) as an insult so that he could punish you. You do realise that he gets off on the silent treatment? It gives him power and control and his nasty character relishes it. He's not going to change, he doesn't respect you enough to do that. Your function is to be the person he can punish to feed his own sorry little ego.

So take back the control. Tell him it's over. No second chances, whatever he says to try to make you change your mind. He'll hate that he will have no-one in his life to bully but oh dear, what a shame...

@Theredjellybean OMG! I do hope this is not your lived experience 😧

@ForZanyAquaViewer Yeah in the USA! Mumsnet is a British site (not saying those in the US can’t use it, just responding to what you've said) so don't be surprised when British people are perplexed by odd American expressions!

@CandyLeBonBon I wasn't talking about me! I was talking about what you wrote on a PUBLIC forum about your relationship and how you needed couple's therapy when you're not even married! You can’t put that on a public forum and not expect comments on it!
You're flogging a dead horse by the sounds of it!

My first husband was a sulker who would go silent for days if annoyed. I was young and foolish so would pander to him trying to get him to speak to me.
Sulky silence is such immature behaviour.
If at all possible just get on with your life and don’t give him attention for it.
In general though it does make you wonder if you wouldn’t be better off having a relationship with another grown up rather than an overgrown teenager.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I was in a similar relationship a few years back and it’s only after (eventually) leaving that I was able to realise how abusive and harmful that behaviour is. Please don’t continue to put up with it.

As I said, you're entitled to your opinion. You don't know me, so I'll just put your ignorance down to a lack of consideration or understanding that other people might have different needs and beliefs to you.

I think it's smart. It certainly shows a commitment to making the relationship work.

Several people responded to you about what the phrase means and only one of them said that they were from the US. I'm from the US and when I see a phrase on here that I don't understand I politely ask what it means. I'm happy to learn new things.

I thought so @steff13 - I've been in two very abusive relationships after an abusive and turbulent childhood which tends to fuck up your ability to know what's healthy and what's not in a relationship. Same for the other half! Without a bit of guidance, it's very easy to get stuck in negative patterns of communication when the chips are down.

Worth every penny.

Anyway, op, sorry for the derail!

Is this the comment you were responding to? As I’ve made a few, and you didn’t quote.

It’s not a new or trendy expression. It’s much beloved by elderly southern women who would be baffled to be called trendy or told they were speaking like teenagers. 🤣

It’s fine if it’s not something you’re familiar with, but there’s no need to belittle it. I’m sure you also use colloquialisms. MN is international, we have different backgrounds and we’re all speaking the ‘actual’ English language.

If so, you’ve rather missed my point. It’s fine not to be aware of an expression. There is zero
refer to it as ‘odd’, ‘teenage speak’, and ‘not actual English’ simply because it’s a colloquialism with which you’re unfamiliar (interestingly enough, no one else has been perplexed). I’m not American or British, so
your colloquialisms are equally foreign to me.

Good for you. I hope he's still kicking himself now.

Precisely. When I come across something new, my attitude is ‘I didn’t know that, how interesting’ not ‘this is rubbish because it’s not what I’m used to, how dare it exist?’

Stop placating him. He’s punishing you because he didn’t like hearing what you said. Truth hurts little baby.

Ten years is a long time to be getting the silent treatment for something so trivial, unless he is genuinely devastated by what you've said. Being honest with yourself, does that seem likely? If not, perhaps it's time for a frank discussion on your future as a couple. Especially if this is a regular thing.

But also bear in mind OP that if you were a male asking this same question on MN, it's likely you'd be getting the opposite advice - to give your partner time and not pressure/badger them etc. Men can be sensitive souls too!

That doesn't mean you have to settle for someone you need to treat with kid gloves all the time!

@VegTrug so nice of you to allow others to use your public British site. ;)

Language evolves. That’s what makes it interesting. “Odd” is really a matter of experience and perspective.

Well done that counsellor! Unusually succinct for his profession.

This is a British site for British people......

After 10 years, counselling, improvement and now returning to type - this behaviour isn't going to get any better. There is no magical moment here where he suddenly becomes a different person. It's not gonna happen. You sound a little bit indoctrinated, like you're buying what he says. I can't remember the exact words but your post immediately comes over as apologetic and how you were in the wrong.

This isn't normal, happy, healthy behaviour. It's not good enough.

It sounds like you're wasting your life on some sulky loser op

You can just decide to eliminate this drama from your life and block him?

Alternatively you can think really hard about what you did mean, and have the discussion about that. If that goes badly you can have a think about the whole relationship.

You've been in a relationship with a married man for over 10 years! What were you thinking? Was the separation his idea or hers, because it seems to me he is CLINGING ON TO HIS MARRIAGE with hopes of re-kindling. Most divorced (even separated) men I know can't fucking wait to get divorced. Even an illiterate man can get legal help to filling in a fucking form! Come on!!! That he is in no rush should tell you something. Yes, the sulking and silent treatment is abuse. But that is so absolutely tiny and irrelevant in the scheme of things, it basically doesn't even count as an issue. You can't see the actual f*cking problem, can you? Your partner is a MARRIED MAN who after 10 years who still happily legally married, and refuses to divorce, let alone commit to you.

What the hell are you doing? Get the fck away from him and keep him out of your life. You don't have a 'relationship' with this attached man. Wow, you really thought the silent treatment is the biggest issue here? Kindly OP please wake tf up and give your head a wobble. He is a married man and he has* *every intention of remaining so. If not for rekindling, then I presume finance reasons/inheritance plays a part. You're a bit player in his marriage and life. Will you please wake up!

@Candylebonbon point: There is a difference between saying 'look I'm really struggling with what you said, I need some time to process but I promise I'm still here' and using silence as a weapon is a good one. Some people need to step away and lick their wounds for a bit before things settle enough in their heart and head to be able to re engage with their partner. If you've had counselling and he's had this pointed out to him but he's still doing it then he's weaponising the silence. Have you not wondered if this is why his wife left him? Why do you want to be with a man who is incapable of completing paperwork to finalise the closure of a previous relationship? He either can't or won't change: either way he's a dud, and he knows it.

For British people? Where did you get that notion from? Under Other Stuff there is Craicnet, Australian and NZ mumsnetters and South Asian mumsnetters. Coming on to a British site and deriding turns of phrase that may be unfamiliar to you as a non Brit, is a bit of a crass move but it's no reason to say it's a site solely for Brits.

I can understand needing a few hours to cool off but anything other than that is ridiculous.

I also would find sulking a massive ick. This relationship sounds like it’s run its course. You sound fab - him not so much.