I said something that hurt him, and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 3 days.

[1Blueshoe]

Though he did reply once yesterday to say he was a bit pissed off about me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak. I wasn't saying that.
I had been drinking and I may have said things wrong, I will own that.
It is so painful and stressful to be ignored. I can't focus on anything else. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to talk to me now? Is it reasonable to need this much time and space to cool off? We don't live together so he has time and space by default. I've kept busy the last few days but the anguish is awful. I've told him it is painful. But there's no reply. He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent. I thought we were making progress past it but here we are again.

I had one of these! My ex used to try the silent treatment thing, but it’s never actually bothered me. I didn’t even know there was a name for it until fairly recently.

Anyway, he’d go all icy and silent, I’d ignore him and cheerily go about my business, he’d get tired of being ignored and come try to make up and pretend nothing had happened. Which, from my perspective, it hadn’t. Pretty much every argument followed this blueprint, for a year. I dumped him for other reasons, though. He was a bit of an all round idiot.

I think they want the anguish, OP. All this torment you’re feeling, let it go. The loss of his dazzling wit for a few days isn’t really as terrible as all that, surely?

Also, LTB.

Exactly this. Don't sit there worrying while he sits there all smug. I would end in my head and not bother telling him until he got in touch. Then I would just say there was no way I was going to carry on seeing somebody who was so immature.

Don't give him an ultimatum! They don't work. He'll make promises and then he won't keep them. Even the counsellor said he's a sulker!

My heart is sore for you lovely 🌹

This is abuse. He's punishing you for daring to criticise him! The longer he ignores you, the more likely you are to 'fall into line' or put simply, to behave how he wants you to behave. Ie: never ever criticise him, the Grand Master.

Come to Jesus?! What the actual heck has he got to do with this, do you think you are Jesus or something???

Baffling

@CandyLeBonBon If you have to go to couples therapy before you're even married then that relationship is not meant to be! It really isn't.

It’s an American thing. It basically means super serious talk where you put the fear of God (figurative, not literal!) in him. ‘Asserting boundaries’ in MN speak.

lol! Have you really not heard of this expression? It’s very common. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Come%20to%20Jesus%20talk

A “come to Jesus moment” is a fairly common phrase to describe a situation in which someone sees the previous errors of their ways and makes a commitment to change. It has nothing really to do with Jesus, it’s an analogy.

@AncientAndModern1 No! Because I'm not American and I use the actual English language not 'trendy' expressions like a teenager! Funny that

@1Blueshoe I'm confused, what did you say to him in the first place that he found hurtful?

All of us are using the actual English language here, including Americans and other non-British English speakers like me.

I don't, it's been a bone of contention for a long time. He sent her papers, she sent them back telling him to fill them out. He faffed about didn't know what to write in some places, buried head in the sand. Actually, that's part of the reason for my original comment about his passivity.
He says he is going to file the papers this month, though I've heard that before. I think the problem is partly on me, also letting things slide, not standing firm with my expectations and boundaries.

in the very first post @Onlyvisiting

"me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak".

It’s not a new or trendy expression. It’s much beloved by elderly southern women who would be baffled to be called trendy or told they were speaking like teenagers. 🤣

It’s fine if it’s not something you’re familiar with, but there’s no need to belittle it. I’m sure you also use colloquialisms. MN is international, we have different backgrounds and we’re all speaking the ‘actual’ English language.

Well you are of course entitled to your opinion.

We both come with baggage and sometimes people need a bit of help to work through better ways of communicating, especially when life is tough.

Nobody is forcing you to go to couples therapy.

Personally we found it helpful.

Respectfully, you don't know me so you're not in a position to comment on whether my relationship is worth some input by a trained professional to make sure we are both better at communicating with each other when life gets difficult.

@ForZanyAquaViewer

"we’re all speaking the ‘actual’ English language"

I don't think so 😉

I'm so sorry. For the loss of your mum and the lack of emotional support from your husband.
You say he hasn't ignored you since before Christmas. I hope he has given you all the attention and care and love you deserve and need, and more, in your grieving instead.

Silent treatment is abusive and soul crushing. It's about punishment and power and control.

OP it sounds like you're accepting scraps in this relationship. Please let 2025 be the year you realise your worth and get rid. This man is not worth your time or energy.

The silent treatment is abuse.

The very best thing you can do is keep busy...very very busy.
Tell yourself you are not going to look at your phone for an hour....cross of one hour then do another.
Go to the cinema, gym, out for run, see friends, work literally anything to keep yourself occupied.
He will be getting a kick out of knowing you are in anguish ...he's playing you...so you'll be so grateful when he deigns to "forgive" you, you'll have forgotten he was in the wrong to start with.
He's teaching you... everything is your fault, you drive him to this...

So the best way is to act as if you didn't notice his silence, didn't bother you , no drama...if you want to see him again, ok, your choice but don't rush to drop everything and don't be at his beck and call

My ex husband (note the use of the word 'ex') used to do this.
He'd ignore me completely for days on end, then start speaking to me normally like nothing had happened.
It's abusive and controlling. I agree with PP, block and move on. It'll only get worse, trust me.

This honestly sounds exhausting, keeping yourself frantically busy so you don’t have time to dwell on the fact that your supposedly loving partner is giving you the cold shoulder for days on end, and acting nonchalantly naive when he deigns to come sniffing back.

I’d just tell him if he’s not capable of behaving like an adult in a relationship he cant be in one with me.

Tell him you absolutely will not tolerate any silent treatment and unless he wants to act like an adult and have a solution-based conversation with you about the issue, you are simply over and out. ✌️