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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I said something that hurt him, and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 3 days.

199 replies

1Blueshoe · 03/01/2025 21:27

Though he did reply once yesterday to say he was a bit pissed off about me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak. I wasn't saying that.
I had been drinking and I may have said things wrong, I will own that.
It is so painful and stressful to be ignored. I can't focus on anything else. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to talk to me now? Is it reasonable to need this much time and space to cool off? We don't live together so he has time and space by default. I've kept busy the last few days but the anguish is awful. I've told him it is painful. But there's no reply. He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent. I thought we were making progress past it but here we are again.

OP posts:
IdylicDay · 04/01/2025 07:15

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 04/01/2025 05:12

This is a British site for British people......

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This is an international messageboard site. There is a reason it is .com, and not .co.uk.

Thecrawdadssing · 04/01/2025 07:45

ChiliFiend · 04/01/2025 01:25

Good for you. I hope he's still kicking himself now.

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Thanks, probably not - he had a bit of a woe is me /victim mentality about it all so I’m sure in his mind he did nothing wrong but I am still glad I got rid!

You've been in a relationship with a married man for over 10 years! What were you thinking ….He is a married man and he has every intention of remaining so. If not for rekindling, then I presume finance reasons/inheritance plays a part. You're a bit player in his marriage and life. Will you please wake up!

spot on @IdylicDay its absolutely bonkers. The silent treatment is just one part of a deeply messed up situation. I’ve asked upthread about this too. Hopefully OP will come back with some sort of answer to explain why he’s still married and more importantly why she’s tolerated it, but I don’t see what good reason there could be .

ETA: I see now OP has given more details on the situation and just as I expected- there’s no good reason for him not to have divorced or for her to tolerate it.

EverybodyLovesString · 04/01/2025 07:46

HomeTheatreSystem · 04/01/2025 06:54

For British people? Where did you get that notion from? Under Other Stuff there is Craicnet, Australian and NZ mumsnetters and South Asian mumsnetters. Coming on to a British site and deriding turns of phrase that may be unfamiliar to you as a non Brit, is a bit of a crass move but it's no reason to say it's a site solely for Brits.

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I took that as a joking reference to The League of Gentlemen. "This is a local shop for local people..."

Totaleclipseofthemind · 04/01/2025 07:48

People who do the silent treatment are pathetic.

I would be making plans to leave.

Thecrawdadssing · 04/01/2025 07:49

1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 00:04

I don't, it's been a bone of contention for a long time. He sent her papers, she sent them back telling him to fill them out. He faffed about didn't know what to write in some places, buried head in the sand. Actually, that's part of the reason for my original comment about his passivity.
He says he is going to file the papers this month, though I've heard that before. I think the problem is partly on me, also letting things slide, not standing firm with my expectations and boundaries.

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But by staying in this situation you have accepted it.

Do you genuinely believe he’s too stupid to know where or what to write stuff?

This is woeful OP, he clearly doesn’t want to divorce. That’s up to him but you need to ask why you’re putting up with it?

The fact that this latest bout of the silent treatment was about you calling him passive due to not filing the papers would be funny if it wasn’t so sad. Instead of him responding by doing something to change the current marital situation and cracking on with the paperwork, his response is to go silent on you. He is treated you like crap but doesn’t want you to comment on it.

I think you’re wrong about him being passive though - he is very deliberately and wilfully staying married to his wife. Why is he saying he’ll do it “next month”. It’s been ten years! Do it tomorrow ffs.

Something is seriously wrong with your relationship and by extension your mindset to let this go on.

DeepRoseFish · 04/01/2025 08:25

This is abusive. The silent treatment is about power and control.

It is the most common tactic of an abusive man.

BeLimeTiger · 04/01/2025 08:26

1Blueshoe · 03/01/2025 22:56

Background info.. We have been together over a decade and we have been through a lot together. He is legally separated from his ex since before we met, not divorced. Has a good, civil relationship with ex. He has two teenage kids, I have two adult kids. I don't think he wants to live with me, at least not before his kids move on to uni. He stays at mine half the week when not with his kids in his own house. Goes home when in a sulk.
I'm think I am going to give an ultimatum. This is the last time I waste 3 days on anxiety over the silent treatment.

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Just wanted to show you some compassion for what you’re going through right now. My partner came from a family where it was perfectly normal to not speak to/ignore each other if you were upset with them. I grew up in a family where you sort shit out, assuming that the other person loves you and did not mean to hurt you. Blocking and ignoring someone would only be done if you genuinely never want to see that person again.

It’s okay for him to have space to process. It’s okay for him to say after a few hours that he doesn’t want to talk about things right now and then suggest a day/time to talk about it (and stick to it). Three days of no contact must be absolutely awful for you.

Allthegoodhorses · 04/01/2025 08:31

If it were me I would be giving him permanent silent treatment. There’s time to reflect what you’ve said but then there’s childish sulking tantrums. I wouldn’t waste my time personally.

DeliciousApples · 04/01/2025 09:46

Tell him that you are sorry if you were drunk and hurt his feelings. That the best way through this is to talk about it. That ignoring this problem will not make it go away or erase what happened.

If he's not prepared to talk that's fine he can go home as you're not prepared to be in a house in silence with someone who can't articulate his thoughts or thinks it's acceptable to ignore you.

If no response I'd start packing his shit up, remove his keys to my house from his keyring, and dump the full case in front of him, saying phone me when you're ready to talk.

Or alternatively,
I no longer want to be with you as I think this relationship has run its course and I think you feel the same from your silence, so here's your case. You can collect the other stuff next weekend, I'll pack it up for you.

Original poster
1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 11:26

I broke up with him. Via text. I know this is cowardly but I'm afraid of caving in if I see him. When I was writing it he sent me a message ' hi how are you.' I guess he's done punishing me. I told him the silent treatment is an abuse tactic and he should Google it. I'm losing sense of self worth (or it's long gone), and he never committed to me in any real way or talked about future etc and remains married though I've told him a million times i find it really insulting and disrespectful to me.
I don't know what will happen. I'm not feeling as sure as I'd like to.
Just want to thank everyone who has commented on both sides as it has all been an incredible help to get my head a bit clearer about what tolerating unhealthy/disrespectful things does to me and setting my boundaries firmly.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/01/2025 11:33

End did. No waiting, no big conversations. Just end it.

He’ll do it again, and it’s abusive. Even though you don’t love together it can be abusive!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/01/2025 11:34

Sorry - didn’t rtft!

Cherrysoup · 04/01/2025 11:59

Please stay strong, don’t cave and go back to him. He has treated you appallingly. The silent treatment is highly abusive and ten years of not getting properly separated-ten years! Come on, that’s insane and absolutely cruel of him to keep you hanging like that. Are you worth so little?

Cryingatthegym · 04/01/2025 12:13

1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 11:26

I broke up with him. Via text. I know this is cowardly but I'm afraid of caving in if I see him. When I was writing it he sent me a message ' hi how are you.' I guess he's done punishing me. I told him the silent treatment is an abuse tactic and he should Google it. I'm losing sense of self worth (or it's long gone), and he never committed to me in any real way or talked about future etc and remains married though I've told him a million times i find it really insulting and disrespectful to me.
I don't know what will happen. I'm not feeling as sure as I'd like to.
Just want to thank everyone who has commented on both sides as it has all been an incredible help to get my head a bit clearer about what tolerating unhealthy/disrespectful things does to me and setting my boundaries firmly.

Wow, well done you. We're all here to help you stay strong, just keep posting and talking to the many women on here who can see through his shit. The silent treatment is something I would never tolerate in a relationship again. You've done the right thing.

Knittedfairies2 · 04/01/2025 12:24

Well done OP!

SophiePie · 04/01/2025 12:49

Well done OP, you've been incredibly brave and I hope 2025 is a much nicer year for you without that abusive man in your life <3

Original poster
1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 14:15

I am meeting him soon in a park to discuss reasons for breakup. Because I need to do that after we have been together so long as I know ending via text message is bad form. I feel strong so hopefully I will stay that way.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/01/2025 14:32

1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 14:15

I am meeting him soon in a park to discuss reasons for breakup. Because I need to do that after we have been together so long as I know ending via text message is bad form. I feel strong so hopefully I will stay that way.

I really think that meeting to discuss a text breakup defeats the object of a text breakup. He was perfectly comfortable giving you the silent treatment (and just generally being a bit of a dick). You’re done. Breakups are unilateral. They aren’t discussions.

I really wouldn’t advise doing this. It’s needless unpleasantness.

mummylove24 · 04/01/2025 14:37

1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 14:15

I am meeting him soon in a park to discuss reasons for breakup. Because I need to do that after we have been together so long as I know ending via text message is bad form. I feel strong so hopefully I will stay that way.

Good, some where, open and neutral so you can walk away easily if you need too. Don’t cave in, men like this are good at saying what you want to hear, but going back to old ways. You’re doing what’s best for you, well done❤️

HomeTheatreSystem · 04/01/2025 14:39

1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 14:15

I am meeting him soon in a park to discuss reasons for breakup. Because I need to do that after we have been together so long as I know ending via text message is bad form. I feel strong so hopefully I will stay that way.

So you don't get kaiboshed into agreeing to something you later wish you hadn't, just don't commit to anything. Keep it very much on the "I'll think about it and let you know" type of thing. Be very non committal, give yourself space and breathing room.

Also he doesn’t need to agree with the reasons for the split! If they are good enough for you then that's all that matters. His life with you is fine, your life with him is anything but. Good luck Flowers

Partylikeits1985 · 04/01/2025 15:00

he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak.

Well his ego’s weak if that upsets him. So he is kinda weak. No point in sulking about it.

Partylikeits1985 · 04/01/2025 15:03

Ah I see you’ve dumped him anyway 😆

Purplebunnie · 04/01/2025 16:42

Make sure there are some people around OP

CandyLeBonBon · 04/01/2025 17:01

Well done OP. I hope he doesn't bamboozle you Flowers

HotelDuVine · 04/01/2025 17:13

1Blueshoe · 04/01/2025 14:15

I am meeting him soon in a park to discuss reasons for breakup. Because I need to do that after we have been together so long as I know ending via text message is bad form. I feel strong so hopefully I will stay that way.

The silent treatment is horrendous. You deserve better x