I said something that hurt him, and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 3 days.

[1Blueshoe]

Though he did reply once yesterday to say he was a bit pissed off about me saying on new year's eve that he doesn't ever make decisions and just goes with the flow. He thinks I was saying he is weak. I wasn't saying that.
I had been drinking and I may have said things wrong, I will own that.
It is so painful and stressful to be ignored. I can't focus on anything else. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to talk to me now? Is it reasonable to need this much time and space to cool off? We don't live together so he has time and space by default. I've kept busy the last few days but the anguish is awful. I've told him it is painful. But there's no reply. He is a nice, kind person generally. It's definitely not the first time he has given me the silent treatment. It's pretty frequent. I thought we were making progress past it but here we are again.

World of pain being in a relationship like this. I know how it feels, I had an ex like it. I'd end it, as he won't ever change & you'll end up not knowing which way is up anymore.

Yeah, I just couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who either lacks sufficient emotional or communication skills to talk through a minor conflict within three days or who (worse) uses the silent treatment as a form of punishment.

Id just send a message saying three days feels like far too long to drag out this situation and as you prefer relationships where conflicts can be discussed and resolved promptly, this isn’t the relationship for you.

So he can make decisions. Just ones that punish you.
You've already been to counselling, so he knows exactly what he doing too. Get rid of the abusive man-child.

But was what you said actually how you feel?

He needs to own his behaviour here. He may feel he can't help it, but that's why he needs therapy to help him.

It's not healthy if he can't communicate what the problem is but only wants to punish you.

Life is too short for this shit . Ditch him

Bin him. I can remember my stbxh stropping and sulking on our about 3rd or 4th date. Gets worse, not better.

Yes he does know. That makes it worse not better.

It’s a power play. He’ll contact you when he’s good and ready, when he feels you’ve been punished enough.

It’ll be hard, but I would suggest you fill your days with other people and activities in the short term, to avoid missing him too much. Think long and hard about whether you want this to be your future, because the longer you accept his behaviour, the more you will be compromising your own happiness. Set the rules now that you want for a happy relationship and stick to them.

If you stay in this relationship you will be forever walking on eggshells so you don’t upset him. He does this because it works. If you have been to counseling and he still does this you need to move on. This is going to happen more often because he knows he can win any disagreement and control you.
It’s ok to send a text asking to swap back your stuff. You can’t stay with someone like this.

Sulky men give the ick! 🤢

He's emotionally abusing you

Do you really want to stay in a relationship with a man who cannot own his behaviour? Who can only think of himself? Who has no regard for your feelings? Who doesn't mind hurting you ? Who actually punishes you, the person he should love, cherish and respect?
Why would you accept this kind of a relationship, OP? How did your parents treat you growing up? Where is your self love? You are worth so much more.

He's not nice and kind at all, he's only nice and kind when you are doing things that don't upset him. By sulking he's training you to never question him or say anything negative. In other words 'stay in your box and do as you are told, otherwise I will punish you by sulking as I know it upsets you'

Do yourself a favour and dump his, at best emotional immature arse, at worst his emotionally abusive arse.

Leave him.

He can crawl off and grow up under a rock for a while.

This is a massive red flag, imagine how awful it will be if you live together and he treats you like this. I’d walk away from this relationship, I would just not contact him again now and leave the silent treatment with him. It will only get worse, especially as nothing improved despite counselling!

OP, I’m not much younger than you and the first time my now ex gave me the silent treatment I dumped him. I knew by doing that, even one time he had showed me this was fundamentally who he was and how he chose to resolve conflict and that as a result we were not compatible.

We lived separately too, and I did initially plead/reason with him all morning asking him not to cancel our weekend plans which he’d done because I “upset” him by raising an issue I wasn’t happy with. But he stuck to his guns and I decided there was no future with a man like him. We didn’t see each other much during the week so weekend time was our time. The fact he was willing to freeze me out and not see me for a whole weekend because I stepped out of line was very telling. He had so many great qualities but that totally put me off him.

Sadly I had a parent who gave us the silent treatment for days if not weeks at a time, so I’m possibly a bit sensitive to that particular form of abuse. But not standing for any kind of abuse is never a bad thing.

I had one like this. An epic stonewalled who also was bizarrely passive about everything and then had a tantrum when things didn’t go his way/ we ended up doing activities or seeing people he didn’t like. I couldn’t bear it and he is now an ex. It’s so childish, and is also bully boy behaviour. The passive quiet act is just that.

He's not nice or kind, he's an abusive dick.

Why are you thinking about how to respond when he does come round? I'd tell him it's over and block him. If he turns up on your doorstep I'd tell him to go away.

Please do not put up with this, it is not normal behaviour for a mature, well adjusted adult.

One lovely sunny Sunday morning in March some years ago I strolled to the corner shop with DS1 to buy a newspaper . That evening husband and I were watching a film (Mission Impossible , maybe) and I remarked that I wished I had a snake , and a helicopter .
He sulked for six months . Apparently , I had made him feel guilty for not taking DS out himself and for not providing me with a snake and a helicopter .
Six months .
Things only got worse over the years to the extent that I hardly dared speak at all in case I upset him again . He was a spiteful bastard . I should have left him there and then ; I could have saved myself and the children years of anguish .

I'm sorry, but counselling for a relationship that hasn't progressed to living together?! I feel counselling has its place for long committed relationships that have hit difficult times for whatever reasons, but if you're not even living with this guy yet then throw him back, you have a fundamental issue here. You do not need to stay in a relationship at all costs, this very clearly isn't working. Life is too short for this shit.

My dad did this for YEARS and my mum enabled it. It was SHIT. She finally left him after 47 years.....don't be my mum!!

You mentioned counselling, how long have you been together @1Blueshoe

What was your motivation for criticising his lack of decision making skills? Wasn't meant to make him feel good about himself was it? Alcohol is no excuse, you know that.

It is totally unreasonable that he is now giving you the silent treatment.

Do not settle for someone with that communication style, it is painful and abusive

"And what do I do when he makes contact or comes over as I'm sure he will do eventually."

Know your worth, it will never get better @1Blueshoe

Pluck up the courage and say goodbye. He is not your one.

Silent Treatment: A manipulative and emotionally/psychologically abuse technique where one partner cuts off verbal communication with another for more than a reasonable amount of time where one would need to “cool off”.

An abuser will often give the silent treatment as a result of a fight with the victim.

Choose you 🌼

He's picked a fight so that he can go and do something dodgy like cheat or gamble or do drugs in peace

Life is to short to be with as sulky baby, it’s not an attractive feature

Personally I would not do anything, just let him sulk and if he turns up just say oh been having a wonderful time doing x y and z. I would be taking a long hard look at if I wanted to continue this relationship