At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

None. Forgone conclusion. I know 3 age gap rels where the woman is 50s/60s and the man is 70s/80s.
The women all hate it (totally different life stages) but feel that they said their vows so will see it out.

Age gap relationships are totally front loaded for both parties.

Sadly I think the same from my experiences. I wonder if the man is younger it may be different, as women tend to live longer, and in my experience be more outgoing at an older age, so maybe there is less of an impact on younger men in general, or at least until they are in their 60s/70s, rather than late 40s/early 50s?

I’d agree with you OP, but I think the period where it’s a positive thing for the younger party wouldn’t start until they were in their 30s and had decided who they were and what they wanted out of life.

My OH is 10 years older than me and I often think about death. It’s not ridiculous to think that I could have 20 years on my own. I worry about loneliness in my retirement years.

My dh is nearly 10 years younger. Exh was 15 years older. I left exh when he was 51. I am 53 and nowhere near as old in my ways as he was... He became ill health wise not long after too .. Bloody thankful I went when I did. If anything now dh is grumpier than me. Health wise we are both fine...

I know someone who at 50 became a widow after nursing her 78 year old husband through cancer. No children (her step children are the same age as she is and no longer have anything to do with her) she is essentially alone. Claims to have been happy but looks much older than her age and has the opinions and attitudes of someone in their late 70s!

Then why marry such an older man? You could easily have 30 years on your own.

I agree with that looking back, but think I probably would have thought differently at 22+, as I felt grown up. It's only looking back now that I realise how much growing up I still had to do, and how much I would change by the age of 35. I think a lot of marriages don't work out just because we change as we get older.

I don’t think it’s the gap it’s the age of the people.

But even then it really depends on the individuals and their relative maturity.

Behaviour like Leonardo Di Caprio’s will always be gross to me though.

Exactly but when I met him in my 20s the age difference didn’t seem do big. The future is unwritten and if we have many happy decades together before then it will be worth it.

I will also have lots of hobbies to keep me active.

That's really interesting, I think it probably doesn't have quite so much of an impact if the woman is older. Though obviously every relationship is different. The fact that more often the man is older and that men don't live as long seems a double edged sword for young women in age gap relationships.

I do wonder about this. An old friend of mine’s sister married a man in his 50s when she just turned 20. I have most contact since but often thought at 30 he will be in his 60s and when she is 40 he will be in his 70s and surely she would feel the age gap then.

Statistically, relationships are most likely to survive when the age gap is up to 3 years. 10 years is 40% less likely to last. 20 years, 90% less likely. Those are approximations but roughly right. I looked it up recently for another Mumsnet thread.

I don't have an opinion on it as it's the decision of consenting adults. If you want to care for your husband in his 80s when you're in your 50s, that's up to you.

When the age difference causes the other party to miss out on life in some way. Being able to have a family or having to be a carer or alone for decades because the older one has died.
My friend’s DD is 21 and with her 44 year old boss. Friend is apparently OK with this because he’s rich and good looking. I would not be! Too much power imbalance and risks her job. Friend says she is happy as he looks after her and treats her well (buys her stuff).
Not my business really but I would be sad if my DD wanted a relationship like that.

9 years isn’t a big gap at all.

Do you think many people actually foresee this though? I think, especially at a young age, we tend to not understand the impact that ageing has on us, and whilst obviously we know a 20year age gap is big, don't actually understand the reality of it until the older person gets to their 60s and/or ill health sets in.

The fact is men generally die 4 years before women on average. So ideally women should get a toyboy if they dont want to die alone.

People marry for ridiculous reasons all the time. The amount of posts I've seen on here where someone has married some complete loser because they wanted kids or didn't want to be alone, are too numerous to count.

Agreed.
I have one particular friend who's husband is retired and not in good health, and she is really struggling, and will openly admit that she didn't know what she was getting into in the long term. They have had a happy marriage for the most part but it doesn't mean she doesn't now have 20+ miserable years ahead of her, and wouldn't like to walk away. She won't though.

It’s interesting how relatively few men aged 40-45 would entertain a woman who was 65 but it’s more common the other way around. I don’t know anyone like this in real life bar one relative but I see it on here all the time. People just casually mentioning their man is 25 years older than them.

An older man once tried to sell himself to me despite me making it clear he was too old for me (50 years old vs 35) I asked him how many 50 year olds he had dated in his 30s and he was stumped.

It does happen but far more rarely. Even when men aren’t interested in having children they go for younger. Each to their own but for me I’ve always been opposed to it as I felt it was enabling misogyny. These older men often say women their own age are this and that and I just found it gross even when I was in the supposed prime of my 20s .

Once a man 6 years older than me said he usually dated women younger than him but wanted to try with a woman his “own age” . I told him I was younger then blocked him shortly afterwards 😂 what he meant is he usually dated women young enough to be his daughter!

I’m sure he wouldn’t look at a woman 6 or 7 years older than him and view them as the same age. It’s weird and unhealthy how they delude themselves that they’re more youthful than women their age when they’re just more immature at best.

Thing is, there are absolutely no words which will warn the 20something female off the 40something male successfully.

You see it on here time and time again. You get the extremely articulate posters, the reasoned posters, the beenbthere done that posters, the sage posters, the 'don't be so fking stupid' posters, their mother, their friends; and not a single one will make the blindest bit of difference.

Apart from the poster in the exact same position 'ignore the haters hun, love has no number.'

It's interesting as compared to my male peers I'm light years ahead a friend suggested I open my age bracket up on dating apps, I'm in my mid 20s so opened up to 42, I've had a few matches where I've had a lot more in common with these men but something feels icky to me

My husband is 9 years older than me and I married him because he is the love of my life. I don't think 9 or 10 years is too bad but I don't think I would go beyond that.

We have a ten year age gap. I admit I didn’t think about it much when we got together. Dh is older and is a bit paranoid about it. I try not to get ahead of myself worrying what it’s going to be like if I get to 70 and he’s 80. I’m just happy we’re happy now!