At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

Do you mind me asking what the age gap is and how old you are? A lot of people seem to be commenting on an age gap of around 10 years, whereas I was meaning more around the 15+ which in my experience is far less common in the first place, but also seems to place the difference in life stages differently. Especially around retirement age. A 10yr age gap isn't particularly unusual to me.
ETA I absolutely wasn't meaning to come across as judgemental. I just know of a few people who are reaching milestone ages now and retirement is rearing its head for one party and they are really struggling. Up until now I had always thought once you get to 30ish an age gap wouldn't really matter because you were likely to be on the same page generally. Seeing this with friends has made me think differently. I love hearing that people have an age gap and it's not caused them problems. It also gives me hope that maybe it's a bump and things settle down again as and when the woman gets to retirement maybe, and would possibly be a way to help my friend in discussion?

But don’t we all feel mature and adult when we’re 22? Ultimately 22, or under the age of 25 is very young. If it’s an older man I’d think of it as pervy. That would be my concern. What business does a 40 something year old man have in shagging a 22 year old apart from the obvious sexual gratification side of things?

I’ve never been attracted to anyone more than a handful of years older than me. My now ex H is 6 weeks older than me.

The last guy I dated was 5 years older and at times even that seemed too big a gap. He was definitely starting to slow down before I was ready to.

Since being single, I tried OLD and I’ll be honest I was quite horrified at the men in their late 60’s and even 70’s who approach women in their early 50’s

I always see 10 years and under as basically the same age! I wouldn’t consider it big, personally, until it was over 10 years and especially 15+.

I dated a 35 year old when I was 20 and I never really thought of it as a big gap although I guess it probably was!

I remember OLD in my late 20s / early 30s and being flabbergasted at men in their 50s+ approaching me. Ew!

The oldest one who messaged me was 79 and looked every minute of his age. I declined politely and he got very arsey and called me judgemental. Oh well

And you can't help who you fall in love with

My husband has 26 years on me. He's headed into retirement age next year- I'm happy, he's happy - yes I'm aware my twilight years will be spent alone but it doesn't bother me at all. There are millions of young widows who married the right age gap faced with the same predicament.

There’s always people who will defend these huge age gaps and that’s fair enough as it’s up to them. However even if a couple seems happy enough and their marriage has lasted a long time, I still feel the women (or whoever the much younger partner is) is disadvantaged in the vast majority of cases.

Women are socialised and conditioned in such a way they don’t always realise they’re in a less favourable position and even if they do have an inkling they’re more likely to ignore it and focus on the positive. Especially in romantic relationships.

Whereas men tend to be more savvy /focused on self so they are happy in these relationships as they know they’re benefiting. But these men who say age doesn’t matter so they can have a partner young enough to be their child would in most cases be the exact time of man who would not have married a woman significantly older than them. So age does matter - to them lol they just don’t want it to matter to the young women they’re chasing!

Look at how many older men managed to snag a woman at least ten years younger to be a nurse and a purse. Whereas most 50-something or younger men would look at a 65 year old women with unstable health and low finances and question what’s in it for them lol

That’s too funny 😂 and the sad thing is he would probably not entertain a woman above the age of 70.

I love this. My partner died young and I don't foresee a relationship in my future.

I don't know.

When I used OLD I only used apps where I could put an age filter on so it was mainly men my own age contacting me but some men would enter a fake age on their profile details so they could speak to younger women. I know this for a fact because they actually wrote it in their profile description that their real age was say 50 instead of the 38 they’d entered in the age detail bit 🤦🏽‍♀️

Health isn't limited to age, though. FIL nursed MIL for 20 years, from age 50 & they're the same age bracket. She was unwell due to a poor lifestyle & diet. Once she passed at 70, he turned from nasty old man to quite nice & I could see the burden he'd had to bear. Now he's social & friendly. And remarried to someone active & fun.

I dated a man 15 years my senior when 20. I shudder now at how he took advantage of me. He'd be in his 60's now & I'd likely be heading for being his carer. I didn't even think about that future at the time, but due to the gap he wanted to settle, sit at home all the time & have a family. I was just starting adult life & a career so left him.

Probably, but I think that may be stepping into a whole other discussion, when you take into account people who marry and have children in their twenties. I guess I don't know, the largest age gap I have had was 10 years, and for me personally I wouldn't go over that when I was younger, but especially now I'm not!

Female 67 and younger man (53). We genuinley dont think about it and it's always a bit odd when people mention it- though friends already know so it doesn't come up in conversation often. We have a good life and I think the important part is that we both have our own lives separate from each other's so if one wants to do something the other doesn't (festival etc) they will do it with friends and no resentment or ill feeling on either side- someone doing something thry don't want to or someone missing out on something they want to do.
Also means chances of ruining my retirement are limited as he is still working

How old were you when you got together? @Robertplantgoddess

Do you have children @Robertplantgoddess ?

I love this! I absolutely agree the ability to have a life apart as well as together is key. All the women I know in age gap relationships have basically given up their social lives, and it causes a lot of resentment on their part. Their partners don't seem to recognise it though.

I've got a 12 yr age gap with my partner (I'm the older one) and have been together 28 or so years. I'm pushing 70 now and I do think he may end up not only caring for me but it'll come on the heels of caring for his mother! But having said that we get along really well and each do our own thing, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It will be 20 years next year (off and on. Mostly on). So 47 and 33. Birthdays are 6 months apart (13 years and 6 months) so depending when you ask there's 13 or 14 year difference.

For me it’s less about age per se and more about a power imbalance. A relationship with a younger woman and an older man tends to be unbalanced because all things being equal the man will be more confident, wealthier and more experienced and the woman quite naive and there’s scope for the woman to be exploited or manipulated.

It depends on stage more than actual age though. An age gap of say ten years between people of middle age isn’t a big deal.

Same age gap with a woman in her late teens is a bit grim.

I’m always a bit suspicious of any older man who seeks a relationship with a much younger woman. It suggests someone who doesn’t want an equal.

Both have our own from 1st marriages (2 each). None together.

Seems a bit of a silly thing to say. She could not "easily" have 30 years on her own. Or only as "easily" as a couple of the same age could have 20 years on their own.

And as for "why marry"? presumably she made that decision a while ago.

People can be old or unadventurous all their lives. Old age can click in anytime or stay away a long time. But age gaps do mean that people becoming older then elderly before the younger partner experiences either is a bit more likely. If you are lucky enough to have married an older person with health and joie de vivre (may have spelled that wrong) the very best to you. We choose who to love for so many reasons and that's life.