At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

As you get older and see terrible things happen to people far younger than you, you realise more you can't plan your future.

When I married at 33 I didn't marry for what may be in my 60s or 70s. I did it for the life I had then.

There is 13 years between my and DW,(same sex relationship). We have been together 9 years. She's 70 now, still working part time and fit and healthy. I'm 57.
I can honestly say l didn't even think about when we got together, but now I'm worried about the future. Love her though so we will make it work

My aunt married a man 20 years older. It was fine when they were 25/45. But when they were 50/70 he was old and she wasn’t. She divorced him.

A family member has a 10 year gap. Stereotypical second marriage. She’s a very young 50, he’s an old 60 with three teenagers plus grown up children from his first marriage. When we saw them at Christmas her irritation was palpable. He’s taking himself off to bed for an afternoon nap while she’s playing football in the garden. Our kids are similar ages to his second family and while DH and I are looking forward to the next stage of our marriage as kids grow up, I can see she is dreading it.

My parents are in this position, dad is 12 years older than my mum, he's just turned 85, of really poor health, he can't shower by himself/make meals etc. She on the other hand is fit as anything, hugely active grandma, great social life. She obviously still loves him but it's no longer a husband/wife relationship but a patient/carer relationship.

Not sure if consciously or unconsciously but I've gone the opposite was and am with a man 7 years younger!

Agree with this.
I knew a couple years ago, similar ages, married a few months and he was paralysed in an accident. Awful, but nothing to do with their ages.

And older people don't necessarily need carers. My mum is late 80s, she's has a cleaner once a week, doesn't require any other practical help.

We have an 18 year age gap and no regrets. I’m 50, he’s 32. Been together 5 years and live apart.

I have no idea what the future holds. But that’s true of any relationship. Nothing is guaranteed. All I know is that we make each other happy in the here and now.

That’s true, I suppose I have always been the kind to think ahead though and sometimes overthink things so it wouldn’t be for me

I expect he'll be dead before I retire.

So there's a seven year age gap between dh and I. I've really noticed it as I've started menopause and he's not yet 40 and still in his prime.

A friend had a 16 year age gap, they began to have issues when he hit his mid forties and she was late twenties

🙋‍♀️ I’m 52 and my husband is 78. We’ve been together almost 20 years. He became a father figure to my 3 young kids when their own father couldn’t be arsed.

He’s got more energy than me, isn’t grumpy and I would say we still have an excellent relationship compared to almost all my friends. That’s because of him as an individual. He’s close to my parents age (until they died) but in terms of attitudes and outlook he certainly doesn’t follow any stereotypes there.

Sure he’ll age more, I may not have him around by the time I’m 60 or even 55. However I’ve had 20 years of:

• no affairs or indecent behaviour around other women
• him doing more than his fair share in terms of housework
• us rarely arguing and mostly (!) being respectful
• him always putting the kids and I first
• him working hard and earning a great salary (as do I)
• him sharing the emotional load
• us being best friends and enjoying the same things
• him supporting me in living my dreams, always being there for me
• him listening to me and helping me out
• him looking after me when I’ve struggled with health
• him truly being devoted to me

Sure things will be hard in the future (and from the tone of this thread I’m sure some will relish that for me) but over the years I’ve seen friends go through hell. I know 4 friends whose partner died in their 40/50s. I’ve seen numerous divorces and affairs. I’ve seen partners become disabled and have ill health far younger. I’ve certainly seen friends have much worse relationships with younger men who they cant rely on. I doubt I will ever look for another man as the relationship won’t compare (and I enjoy my own company anyway).

So all in all I’m happy with my choices. God it’s a million times better than my first marriage to a man my age!

We have talked at length about the future, made plans than will ensure I am ok financially and in terms of having a break and being able to pursue my own interests. We are lucky that we have had good jobs and he an excellent pension that will afford carers and help to reduce the actual caring burden on me. He encourages me to find care for him if it becomes necessary.

Yes im aware it will still be utterly crap when he becomes unwell / frail. But then it is for many women who have to worry about their own ill health and age at the same time. This of course was a risk when I met him but how many people can really say they had 20 amazing years with a great man. I’ve lived my life so much already.

All in all I think I gambled and won but I knew it was something different when I met him. I was also a high earner, independent with my own interests and happy to be alone. Would I recommend it to anyone else? I don’t know. I think it’s highly individual and we’re a case of two people just truly meeting each others needs who happen to have a large age gap. Outlook, lifestyle and beliefs are more important to me than age.

I’m 63 and DH is 74. The gap does not really matter at the moment. He’s fit and well. You can never predict how someone will age. A friend’s DH is ten years younger than mine and had just been diagnosed with heart failure.

I love an afternoon nap. I also run marathons regularly but I applaud anyone who can and does nap!

My exhusband left for a 17 year old. He was 32. He controlled everything financial in their relationship. She didn't buy car insurance or know anything about their mortgage etc until he had a major mental health episode in his 50s and she had to take over. He'd done it all before in his adult life so , when they met , she moved from her parents house into a rented flat with him and he appeared knowledgeable and sophisticated so she deferred to him in everything . It made sense to her , and he enjoyed the control of someone who was very naive ( he and I were the same age and learned about mortgages etc together). Very unequal set up.
A friend of mine is 59. Her husband is 69. She said that she had children earlier than she would have chosen to because he didn't want to be an older dad. She would have waited another 10 years but , of course, he'd have been ten years older too. They had many good years in the middle period ;she wasn't too young, he wasn't too old. But now she's free of children and wants to be doing things and getting out and enjoying life he's 69 and wants to embrace being old before his time and wants to look after the garden and not go very far. She's feeling very frustrated.

You never know what will happen in life. My dad was twelve years older than my mother. He's hale and hearty in his eighties while she died fifteen years ago.

I also have a friend in her sixties whose husband is in his late forties and they are doing fine.

I myself will retire a good couple of years before Mr Honeyfox but he has a healthier lifestyle than me so who knows what will happen!

I suppose for many women it depends upon their priorities in life 💰 🤑

This is in part so individual though. My 78 year old husband is nagging me to go on a hiking trip on the Appalachian trail, is eyeing up a new motorbike to go on long rides with his friends, volunteers and still works part time!

Yes you’re right - My husband rearranged his work hours so he could do school picks ups for the children who weren’t biologically his… so I could chase my dreams and earn more than him! That’s what you meant right?

@whomovedmycat May I draw your attention to the use of the word "many".
My husband did the same btw, but he's only 5 years older than me.
May I ask what your husband does for a living?

My one priority in life was to ensure I could support myself, after being brought up on benefits. I now out earn my husband and have the capability to go further, should I want to. Don't know if I can be arsed. He is widing down career wise and happy to pick up home stuff.

I married my second husband and he had money. I didn't marry him for that money, however I absolutely wouldn't have married him without it. I'd have dated him, introduced him to my children, spent lots of time with him. But we would have lived separately and I would have continued to claim my 25% council tax rebate etc as a single person. I wouldn't have married someone who made me poorer. Having rebuilt my life, bought a house and a decent car I wouldn't have compromised that security by marrying a man with no money. That would be spectacularly stupid.

I wonder how many women are married to much older men that are not high earners, just out of interest...

NC for this as it's quite specific.

When I was 21 I dated my boss for about a year. He was older than me, but until a couple of days ago I didn't actually realise how much older. I was in my first job working for a massive corporate, trying so hard to be noticed in my very male dominated industry, in a different country, and he was very good looking, extremely charming, he wasn't from the UK so there was quite a lot of intrigue on my part, and it was at the time, a really exciting experience and relationship which ended when he was moved (by the company) back to his country of origin.

Facebook told me he celebrated his 60th birthday last week. I'm 46 now, so he was 35 when we were together. Having had the life experience I've had, I find that age gap quite difficult to get my head around.

The irony is that my partner of nearly 8 years is 14 years younger than me. We got together when I was 38, and he was 24, we raise my two DC (14 and 13) together along with our DS3.

Some may say I'm hypocritical, and maybe I am, I do however think the imbalance of power in the relationship I had with my boss might explain why that age gap seems so much greater than that which I have with my partner.

I am the same, but there is a bigger age gap for us. I do not have children either (I don't want them - but I am very aware that I will be alone at some point).

I've told him he has to live until 112 so we can die at the same time and I can still grow old haha. (Obviously, I'm joking).

The older generation tend to stick with their vows. In sickness and health even if it means giving up their own freedom and life to do so.

I'm not sure that will still apply in 15/20 years time. I don’t fancy looking after anyone to be honest.

In general, I think around 10 years as a max.