At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

I was thinking of 15+ year age gaps when I wrote this, a couple I know who are 45 and 67, and another who are 25 and 43, both older male.

Yeah I think 7-10 years older or younger is the most I’d consider going either way although in reality I tend to date men my age give or take a few years. The biggest age gap I had so far has been a guy 7 years younger.

Yes, I don't think 10 years is too bad although some of the responses on here seem to suggest that people think that 10 years is too much.

My grandma used to say men never think they’re too old or too ugly,

I just think of my old nan. There was only a couple of years between her and grandad. He died at 80, she battled on to 98, 20 years of thinking of him every day.

Essentially I think this is the problem. I don't know how we educate our children so they know the reality of what they are getting into, but I hope we can.

So true! We should all have the confidence of men 😂 although it’s really self-delusion more than confidence so maybe not lol

I realised how icky it is, when as a 45 yr old woman a few years ago, I was asked out by a 25 year old male.

I was horrified on his behalf. I have the confidence in this stage of my life to have had him wrapped around my finger. He should be out dating women his own age.

It felt utterly wrong and I felt responsible to tell him 'absolutely not Tom, you are far too young.'

It sickens me how many men do it the other way round and don't give a shit how selfish it is.

I'm interested that as of yet no one has posted to say they have a significant age gap they don't regret. Possibly a bit niche as you have to have a large age gap and be in your 50s or older I guess.

No I think we should! Let’s all have the confidence of you’re average balding white bloke 🤣 I was on a course recently and they quoted a statistic somewhere along the lines that most men will apply for jobs if they meet 50 percent of the person spec but women tend to only do so if they meet 90 percent or more. I thought that was very interesting!

I know a couple marrying this year where he is 50 and she is 35. They each have kids from ex's plus one together. In just 20 years he'll likely be well retired while she'll have at least 10 years further work in her. Can smell the resentment from here.

There will be at some point a 20/30 something women along to say her 40/50 yr old husband is the fittest and best person in the world.
Of course not the point yr making.
If there is a 50/60 yr old poster coming on to detail that their 70/80 yr old husband is the absolute best, it will be the first time I've seen it in my twenty years on mn.

IME what years gap makes the difference. Worst gap relationship for me was only one year but it was an important year. For me (1966) I was alive when England won the World Cup. I remember old money and can recall decimalisation lessons at school. But he was born in 1967 and yes he was incredibly immature but he made a big thing of it 🙄.

My biggest age gap was 17 years, he was older. It wasn’t the age gap that split us up though. Long story .

I eventually settled for DH who is only 14 months older than me.

Yesss 😂

I’ve heard that statistic too! I’m bearing it in mind as I begin applying for new roles this year. what’s good for the goose and all that lol

My PIL had age gap of 10 years, married for 60 years, died within 6 months of each other.

My granny was widowed at 60 and lived to 100, so a widow for 40 years.

My DH and I have a 10 year age gap now in late 50s/60s. I may well be widowed for a fair while. I'll cope. I'd rather a happy marriage then widowed, than an unhappy marriage to the wrong person!

12 year age gap and still going strong after over 35 years. He is the love of my life. I fell in love with he man he was/is/will become not because of the age he was.

My friend is 14 years younger than his wife. It's an issue now.

She's allowed to get divorced as much as anyone else.

Not surprised. Just curious - what issues have they said they’re facing?

He doesn't feel that spark anymore.

A very good friend married a man 15 years older. They were happy for a long time but in recent years the gap has taken its toll on their marriage. He's mid 70s now, and doesn't want to go anywhere, stuck in his ways etc.

I do worry for my friend, as they don't have children and live away from family and friends. I stayed with them recently, and he didn't seem that interested in doing anything.

and how old is he?

Anything else? as my previous posts I’m not particularly in favour of age gap relationships but that “losing the spark” doesn’t necessarily sound like an age gap problem.

My 2nd husband was 14 years older than me.
We got together when I was I was in my late 30s and he was in his early 50s.
Both had kids, mine were under-10, his over-10 but still kids.
We were very much in a similar time of life at that stage.

I was at first quite concerned about the age gap, but in fact the only time I really noticed it was when we talked about our childhoods - we didn't have the same cultural reference points.

He died of cancer when he was late 50s and I was mid-40s.
I therefore don't know what it would have been like to grow older alongside him.
He'd have been 66 now and I do wonder what our life would look like.

Early 50's.