At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

The other end is one partner becomes a carer at some point as one is obviously going to get old and need help from the younger one. Not fair or ideal or any relationship.

Even with a couple the same age, there is no guarantee one won’t end up the other’s carer. People age differently. With many couples the same age, one gets dementia and the other one doesn’t.

Yes I understand that, that could happen to any of us, but with an age gap it is practically guaranteed one will be a carer.

There was 3 years between Mum and Dad. He was diagnosed with a severe form of MS and she became his carer for 20 years until he died and was then on her own for 18 years.

Well your point was utterly pointless then, on a thread about relationships with age gaps.

Would have been very relevant on a thread about people who aren't interested except to joke about who they shagged to their equally dim mates.

i was almost in a relationship with a cougar, we both were attracted to each other but and it would of likely been mostly just the business side of things, but we seemed to get along and discuss the matter with some obvious flirting but never quite got to the business so to speak i was 20's they were late 40, early 50's

I know a woman who began a LTR in her mid 50s with a man 20 years older. They are still together 20 years on, but he is extremely fit and healthy for his age - still mobile, still mentally alert.

But they were lucky health-wise and both had previously been married and had their children with spouses of a similar age to themselves.

Yes, it was the only reason. He was bloody lovely. But as time went on it became very apparent that he was ready to wind down while I wanted to carry on with full steam ahead.

We still keep in touch by text, and he’s still bloody lovely, but it’s very, very clear to me that I did the right thing by ending it.

My partner will be retiring in the next couple of years and I've still got about 20 years of working life.

Can I ask how you feel about that?

What is the age gap?

I suspect that @Howmanycatsistoomany is asking about huge age gaps. I mean how many 25 year olds fancy the pants off a 75 year old?

I don't even think of the age gap...it's just not something that crops up. He works a very physical job and we're both very active.

I’ve had 3 husbands - all older (16, 18 & 24 years, in the order) Problems with first, but not age related, he was controlling. He died age 57. Second one was wonderful, age gap never a problem, very young outlook and we loved each other & had great fun until he died suddenly of Legionnaires aged 70. I then married a 77 year old when I was 54 - he’s 91 now, he needs a little help with some things but still gardens, still enjoys life, has a young outlook. We still go away in our motorhome and he was up till 1am partying at a country club on NYE. The only thing that concerns me, is keeping myself healthy in order to be able to care for him if needed. I have two friends who were the older partners in age-gap relationships and had to nurse the younger ones - and did so happily. Love is the thing that matters, if that is there you will find a way.

I think age gaps matter more when you are younger, because there is often some sort of "ick" factor about some of them. I knew a man in his mid 30s who went out with a 17 year old.

Ultimately, it is about being on the same page in life regarding how you wish to live, and having an age gap does not necessarily mean you wont be.

I also don't buy into this whole thing about you will be a carer if your partner is older. Anyone can need care at any time... Some people enter relationships with a disabled person knowing they will be a carer. I know a couple who are married... husband is in his mid 20s, and wife in her mid-40s. They are crazy in love with each other, and both disabled. Due to the husband's health condition, he will be lucky to live much into his 30s.

It doesn't bother me. I love my job.

He was working before I was even born so I think he deserves to retire. I'm hoping he won't get bored but he does have lots of hobbies.

I'm 52, he's 72, we've been together 23 years. I'm a high earner, he's currently a higher earner 😉As I said upthread, this has not always been the case. Money is not what brought or keeps us together.

My potential new man (pnm) is 13 years older.
It’s not an age gap I’d usually entertain for a relationship but we got to know each other just chatting first and never with the intention of a relationship and age doesn’t really come up in the beginning, so it was irrelevant initially.
By the time I realised he was someone special, I knew his age but I knew him as a person more and that’s what attracted me.
I’m 35, he’s 48. We’re both on a similar wavelength and he’s not an old 48 if that makes sense.
In contrast, my fwb from last year was ‘only’ 46 but had such an older outlook on life. Physically took very good care of himself but he was an old man!
Will it work out, will age be an issue? Who knows. We’re also long distance so there’s about a million things against us and there’s a whole heap of reasons why it won’t work out, before the distance or age thing even comes into play, so I decided not to worry about it until I actually need to!

My husband is 16 yrs younger than I am. We adore each other. I do everything I can to remain healthy and active.

We have been together since he was 41. I can say that I doubt I would have been interested when I was 36 and he 20. We would have been at very different stages of our lives. When I met him he had been married and divorced with a teenage boy. He was a grown ass man with life experience.

For the same reasons anyone else picks a partner, having things in common such as similar values, views, etc.

Judging from other posts she married for money herself and is now salty it didn't work out so is projecting on to others.

From my own experience (60/70) the issues arise more as the older person begins to move into old age.

In the case of younger woman-older man.

I think it only matters when the younger woman is less than 20, and when the man reaches more than 70.

I'm thinking of the case of an older friend and her DH. He's about 18 years older than her. That was fine when she was 30 and he was almost 50. But now she's early 60s, and he's 80. He's had what seems like non-stop health problems for the past 5 years and is really dragging her down. He's got very poor mobility and is functionally blind.
She wants to be out and about doing things but she's always got to think about him and his needs. Especially as he's fairly close to housebound now. She's never driven and he no longer can because of his eyes, so they're becoming more and more isolated.

@DorothysSlipper Well at 24 I married a very wealthy man and yes, for all of the wrong reasons. I didn't love him. He turned out to be incredibly controlling as he felt his money was "enough" to keep me. I suppose for some women it would be? As I said before, depends on your priorities.
As I got older I learned that being loved, respected and seen as an equal are far more important than a nice house inside which you are lonely and miserable.

The situation can arise in non age gap relationships too, pretty commonly. My Gran was the same age as my Grandad and was a wisp for over 30 years. My mum is a year older than my Dad and has been his carer for the past decade or more. Yes there may be an increased chance in age gap but it's not unusual in any relationship for one to age or die younger than the other.

A widow not a wisp!

My partner is 25 years older than me (39 and 64), and we’ve been together about nine years.

I recognise the potential downsides of large age-gap relationships and I went into this with my eyes wide open. He’s very fit, healthy and active, but who knows what the future holds for either of us? Life is unpredictable..

His profession as a performer keeps him young and I can’t imagine him ever totally retiring. I have been careful to retain and build financial and practical independence over the years. We’re both very happy, I fancy the pants off him and I love the adventures we have together, but I don’t want to feel like I’m relying on him financially. This feels more pertinent in a large age-gap relationship but in reality it probably isn’t..