At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

Just because you married someone you didn't love, because he was rich? that doesn't mean other age gap relationships are set up like this.
It is possible to have the nice house, money and love.

@DorothysSlipper There will always be a power imbalance somewhere along the line.

That can happen in any relationship though. DH is 20 years older than me and I've never felt any sort of power imbalance. If there was it would have leant towards me as I was the higher earner until last September.

When people talk about power imbalances, I think they overlook the fact that the younger person often has the youth/looks advantage, and that's a very powerful currency in its own right.

Ultimately I think if everyone is an adult (20 or older, say) then it's their business alone.

Some people might decide that having to be a carer and then alone in later life is a price worth paying for decades of love and happiness.

Having said all that, DH and I are months apart in age and I do really love having the same cultural touchpoints. But I appreciate that other people have their own choices and preferences.

You can project your experience on to everyone else.
I have never felt any sort of imbalance in my relationship. I am a strong, intelligent, opinionated woman which is partly why I was attracted to older men to begin with, the ones my own age were too immature for me!

@Hunglikeapolevaulter

'Some people might decide that having to be a carer and then alone in later life is a price worth paying for decades of love and happiness.'

Yes, it is exactly that.

We have an age gap of 23 years in our family, now the older half is 81 I’d say it’s an issue, the younger half is always bemoaning the fact that the 81 year old doesn’t want to do anything.

Seems a bit silly. I'd just be glad my DH was still alive at that age rather than trying to drag the old bastard out of his chair!

I’m not sure I’d label it ‘silly’.

It’s just an inevitable consequence of different life stages (not necessarily age, but age in this case). One still wants to go out/do long haul holidays, the other wants to sit in a chair and read the newspaper.

With an age gap of 23 years this was highly likely to happen, so what good is it moaning now. Of course he doesn't want to travel the world at 81, jetlag is a nightmare for young people, let alone an octogenarian.

This is probably where the main issues lie in age gap relationships, the younger person not being realistic about the potentials of the future and not willingly accepting it when it arrives.

I often joke I will have to wipe my DH arse and drive him around when he's an old codger. Chances are I might have to, we will see.

Why?

Some people might decide that having to be a carer and then alone in later life is a price worth paying for decades of love and happiness.

DH and I have been together for 27 years and I wouldn't change that. Do I wish we were closer in age? Yes, so we could have longer together but I wouldn't trade what we've got to be be someone younger.

My husband is 23 years older than me, and we have been married for 30 years. I don't egret a day of it. There have been difficulties which wouldn't have arisen in a more conventional relationship, but there is so much that I am thankful for, and I absolutely made the right decision when I married him.

Me, for one.

And me.