At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

I don't know. He just doesn't have that attraction to her anymore.

We see women on MN all the time saying how wonderful their or their friend/daughters 20 year age gap marriage is and shutting down any objections to it.

I mean fair enough if that’s the way they see it but IMO even if they’re happy together, the woman/younger partner is almost invariably the loser in these situations.

Many just don’t see it whereas men are a bit more savvy and realise when they’re in a less than beneficial situation, but the way women are socialised they often seem to overlook how they’re disadvantaged in relationship. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

I mean look at all the men who manage to get a younger woman to be a nurse with a purse lol I can’t imagine as many older women managing successfully to get this. Younger men would more likely be looking at the 65 year women who wants their physical support AND money and thinking nah what’s in it for me lol

Is that age or in general? I know people the same age as their partner who lost attraction to them.

I think honestly if someone older than 40 is dating someone younger than 25 then that’s an inappropriate age gap. Once someone gets to 25, or even better, 30 or older, then it’s kind of free game.

I agree. She feels she would be abandoning him though, as at his age and in not brilliant health he is unlikely to find someone else. She has loved him for her whole adult life and cares for him deeply, so she is choosing to stay. It makes me so sad, and made me think of the woman in the other relationship I mentioned who is 25, with a 43yo partner, and what that she is likely to have a similar choice to make in 30years or so, and to hope with every fibre in my being that my daughter doesn't make a similar choice.

Ah I see. Interesting.

What do you find interesting?

I don’t think it’s a foregone conclusion. DH’s parents are both in their mid eighties and fully independent and spritely; his grandfather was still at home and perfectly capable of everything except things like doing The Big Shop or major cleaning at 101. A younger partner isn’t necessarily doomed to a future of taking care of a decrepit older partner in their dotage for years on end, the older partner may well have a perfectly active and ordinary life right until the end.

I also suspect that older men who fall into the grumpy old man stereotype by 55 were probably showing the warning signs early on but their younger partners ignored them. Men who are active, vibrant and interesting to begin with are more likely to retain that in middle age and beyond.

She's allowed to get divorced as much as anyone else.

Based on my own experience of 60/70/80 ye olds. They don't get divorced once they get to that age as a rule. I don't know if that's an age thing, or a their generation thing.

Mostly the fact that you’ve not shared anything that’s age gap specific. As a pp said I wouldn’t immediately think someone has lost attraction due to their partner being older but perhaps there’s something we’re missing - like if they’ve alluded to it somehow.

Perhaps he's just got bored. Other poster seems to wonder if he has a roving eye but who knows.

The majority of relationships have a "season". You see it on here all the time with women who are happy for a bit and then the man who was previously attentive and charming won't help with the dishes or the children and they leave. The men who fell for strong clever fun women leave for someone younger when their strong clever woman becomes dull and has no interest in him or sex or fun any more. Women leave because men won't marry them. Men leave because the woman "grows up" and he doesn't want to yet... All the time.
Leaving because you're at a different life stage is normal and more common than not.
Age gap relationships will suffer from that just the same.
But, just like other relationships, when they are good they are brilliant!

I wish my husband was the same age as me but he is almost exactly 10 years older. He’s a lovely bloke, very fit and healthy, looks younger than me! But we met late and had a kid late. Since then he has become waaay more knackered than me and now has zero libido which is really frustrating for me in my early 40’s. When our son leaves home (hopefully!) I will be 55 and him 65 which now does feel like a very large gap. I am also not looking forward to potentially being a carer as he ages. It’s hard to say I would have chosen a different path as we were so in love when we married and still are despite the ups and downs of having a kid. I just wish he was my age.

I'm 55 and my DH is 67.
He's more active than I am - plays sport regularly so it could easily be me that goes first, but we never know do we?

I married him because I love him, enjoy his company and want to be with him.
That's all there is to it. As PP said, I'd rather be married to the right person for a shorter time than miserable with the wrong person.

My MIL’s mother has just died aged 100 and my FIL won’t holiday, visit or do much at all. He’s 11 years older than MIL who still has a lust for life. It makes her bitter and miserable that he’s become so rigid despite enjoying good health.
The contempt they seem to have for one another these days is uncomfortable.
I feel so sorry for my MIL who has been so committed to her own mother and probably hoped life would get better.

I'm not sure. At 22 I would have been perfectly capable and mature enough to date your average 40yo. I don't think I would have understood the long term aspect of it until I was mid to late 30s though, and I don't think the reality of the situation actually hits until early 50s in the majority of cases. I think the age gap just matters more as you get older, rather than less, as I would have thought then. 25-45/50 I don't think age does really matter most of the time, but before and after it does.

We have a large gap and I have no regrets. We have children and yes it’s harder and I might be a carer one day, but nobody knows what the future holds. So far I have been closer to dying than he has been and he has looked after me when I was sick and recovering.

TBH he is a better person than 99% of the men I have ever met or read about daily on here, and I don’t care about your judgmental posts on my wasted years or youth or whatever. It’s our family, it works for us and our children. And no I wasn’t abused or groomed, I was nearly 30 when we met!

Indeed. Thank you ❤️

Oh I see. I assumed he had changed because the age gap is showing. He's early 50's. She's mid 60's. Not old I know.

What do you think is a big age gap? There are 8 years between DH and I, people are always surprised there is such a large age gap.

My DH is 11 years older than me and I do think about this because already he doesn’t care about a social life or holidays/ social events. I really need to nurture a group of friends so that when I’m older, I have a network.
I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else though. He’s a wonderful man.

I didn't see that comment about my friend having a roving eye but he doesn't.

I have an 11 year old age gap. At 27 it didn't feel bad at all. At 47 something feels different. And I can't say what. DH is fitter than many younger people because as a family we prioritise activity. But I know it may not last. But who's to say my health will last?

I'm not afraid of being left alone if he dies first. I am afraid of relaxing into old age too early. And I think with peri hitting I'm being flooded with mid life crisis feelings.

Why marry with the difference? We've lasted longer than many marriages.

It was just supposition. Does your friend's wife know he's not happy!

@Comportment I don't buy your argument about @Wolfpa having 30 years alone because of the age gap.

You could say the same for people in same age relationships. Partner may die at 60, whilst other half lives on to 90.

Sure age gap relationships increase your chance of this happening, but it is not the only factor.