At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

Im 58. My husband is 80. We met when I was 40. He's an amazing man and I have no regrets at all.

My DH is 10-11 years older than me. We are now 53 and 63. There is still no real difference in our stage of life, our friends, our outlook, how we like to spend our time. He is still extremely fit and healthy: he out cycles most of our friends who are 10 years younger. I am however becoming somewhat more conscious than other friends of counting down the number of fit healthy years that are likely to be left. It motivates me to make the most of them. Yes I do now wish he was 10 years younger - but I wish I was 10 years younger too! And it is not enough to make me wish I hadn't married such a lovely man!

My sister is a couple of years younger than me and married to a man 14-15 years older and that's not going to well. He does seem old in his outlook and interests compared to her and they don't have that much in common. But it's about the people as much as the age gap.

The thing is, you can be in your 70s and as fit and as healthy as possible still going on runs, visiting the theatre and travelling during your retirement with your partner in their 50s keeping them young. You can also be in your 40s and ‘old’ with lots of problems and sitting at home watching tv in fluffy slippers. It depends on the couple. Ideally they have similar interests and are in similar stages of regardless of their age. Normally one of them is particularly ‘old’ or ‘young’.

Also, normally they actually love their partner. my husband is the same age as me but has had some health problems and I would care for him in a flash.

My grandparents married when she was 18 and he was 42 - had 4 children together and fostered another. They had a very happy marriage until he passed away aged 88, he was fit and still working in his 70s. So yes, it can work for some people and they were very happy but my Gran was widowed relatively young.

The truth is there are no guarantees in this life - many marriages between people of the same age break down and none of us really know if we will end up alone one day. I have a friend who's lovely wife died of bowel cancer aged 40 with young children, which obviously devastated him.

I think compatability is so complex and age is just one factor. Personality, health and fitness and life experiences all play a part.

We have a 17 year age gap, he is older (early 50's to late 60's) & are very happy.
I don't know if it's different as I was widowed in my early 40's, he's divorced. My late husband was only 3 years older than me & that didn't stopping him getting cancer in his early 40's - I'll take what happiness I can.
He is also young in his outlook, still working as well

and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age.

I agree.

DH is 7 years older than me. He is in his 70s and has given up driving. He has had a stroke and cancer and his memory is all over the place and he has been excused jury service because of it. Some days I feel like I am his carer not his wife,

I have often wondered how age gap relationships work when it comes to retirement.
Are those of you with older husbands planning/able to retire early or will there be a significant period where they are retired & you are still working?
A few people have said the age gap doesn't matter when you are at the same life stage but retirement will presumably mean being at different life stages?

Sorry for the derail but @Thecrawdadssing actually I did have that stat in mind when I applied for a job recently and was worried about applying because they wanted a social work background which I don’t have but I applied anyway. They did offer me the job so I do think there’s something to learn there. Go for anything you fancy! It seems men do!

Came here to say the same thing. I don’t regret it. He’s great but I do wish we were a little closer in age. It also plays a part in whether we’ll have a third child with me nearly 40 and him nearly 50. If we were both 40 I wouldn’t think about it too much.

But that can also happen with little or no age gap. 7 years is not a very big gap.

My husband is an academic. I don't think he will ever stop working - even if they are not actually paying him any more!

I'm 52, my DH is 72, we've been together for 23 years. He's planning to sell his company and retire by the end of the year. I freelance and I'm not planning to retire anytime soon but I might reduce my hours.

We have an 18 year age gap.

I always knew that he would die before me but I didn't predict the slow decline. It's shit.

We've been together 26 years and I love him dearly. I would marry him again, despite everything we've been through together.

I think the max I would do is 5 years older ,anything more and you are nearly at different life stages and will more than likely run into issues in old age, where you could end up being a young widow or spend the best part of your retirement being a carer, also being with an older partner would make me feel old aswell

Yeah.
Mine retired 11 years ago but he has filled his life with his passion.

He's not sitting in slippers watching Bargain Hunt

When I was in my mid 20s I dated a man who was 17yrs older than me. I feel like at the time the relationship was fine. We didn't have a massive maturity level difference, and had loads of fun together. I genuinely did not see the problem and didn't think of life in say 30 years, it just did not cross my mind. Now I'm in my 30s but so fucking glad that we didn't last, my parents have just retired together and are enjoying an active retirement, but when I'm their age he'd have been 80! A friend is dating a man 20 years her senior and tbh I just see him edging to retirement whilst all ur other friends are having babies

I think it is a personal choice but I think anything much more than 5 years works long term. Me and DH are the same age and its really lovely to go through big milestones together and I think we understand each other better because we've grown up at the same time. I don't see a problem with a big age gap for a short term thing, but I think there's a actually quite a small window when your both of a similar age to make it work

When I turned 20 my Dad wasn't even in his 50s! He was a few years short of his 50th birthday. Now I'm in my mid 40s and he's over 70. Can't imagine being married to a man several years older than my Dad, either at 20 or 45.

@Orangesinthebag we will retire around the same time, I expect.
However he is a trade & can do odd days if he wants to, whereas I am self employed & will need to close down my business

7yrs here.

It’s become noticeable now he’s over 50, and suddenly not in the best of health.
It’s luck though - we've sadly been to two funerals of people in their 40’s this year, no one knows what their long term health issues may be.
I do fear that I will be a carer much younger than my peers though, and that’s with a fairly small age gap.

Yeah, but what state will he be in when you retire and how will that possibly affect how you spend your retirement, after spending many years working I certinally wouldn’t want to then spend my retirement being a carer or stuck with someone who wasn’t well enough to travel / do all the things I have planned for my retirement….it just wouldn’t be for me

For me it always matters. If I was to just have a bit of fun, FWB type thing, it doesn't matter. But for a serious relationship I want to be at the same life stage with someone. No one wants to be my carer down the track and I don't want to be anyone else's until we both are at that stage.

When I was single after 26 years I had a fling with a 25 year old. That was fun but it was never going to be serious. He would want kids at some stage I wouldn't be giving him those. And he wouldn't want to be my carer down the track while still young. So the day he said he thinks we should start dating not just sleeping together was the end of our fling. He actually reached out again recently after a few years but I'm in a serious relationship now so it's not to be.

I have two relatives with a 15yr age gap with the DH being the older party. In both cases, the DW had children around the age of 35, had a few years off work or working part time with young children and was then able to pick up their career when their fit & healthy DHs turned 60 and retired. 10yrs on, it's not working out so well. The DC are at Uni, in one case, the DH is kicking around at home seemingly a bit bored whilst the DW still works when, in his friendship group, the DWs are also retired and the couples are off travelling or doing things together. In the other case, the DH is showing signs of dementia and the DW is wondering what her future will hold and whether she will be juggling work with caring responsibilities having only just finished caring for her DC and with elderly parents to add to the mix and is also wondering what her own retirement will look like.

This isn't a safe assumption. I remember reading how Bill Roache and his wife had discussed how she'd manage without him as he was so much older than her. Except she died suddenly and obviously unexpectedly and he is still going strong in his 90's.

You just can't tell with these things.

I know of one 10-year gap, two 20-year gaps, and one 30-year+ gap.

The 30-year couple are still together although they're not married. He's late 70s and she's mid forties. They both thought it was madness and called it off several times, but she said she couldn't bear to be without him.

The women in the other couples were widowed in their 60s or 70s. None of them ended up as carers.

I know another woman who is with a much older man, but I don't know how old he is. I'd say there's a 20-year+ difference. They have a young child together.

I do think the constant harping on about being a carer for your spouse is a bit boring now. There are no guarantees in life. I'm almost 40 and not in the best of health. I know people in their sixties who run marathons. It depends on the person(s) involved.

Illnesses happen. Accidents happen. If you find happiness with a person and genuinely get along I think it's a shame to let worries about a future that hasn't happened yet prevent you from a good relationship.

15 years between me and my dh and while I often joke about getting him off to the care home so I can bugger off on girls holidays, I am very happy.