AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

TBH I wouldn't go. Your friend is being unreasonable. Presumably you aren't just going for the one night and therefore your mum will be basically be on her own the rest of the holiday as well as having huge inconvenience on the wedding day. Your friend doesn't want your mum there, she doesn't want your baby there and by the way she is acting it sounds like she doesn't really want you there that much.

What a CF bridezilla. Surely I could go on right now and book that hotel for that week and she couldn’t do anything about it?

I’d just not go TBH she sounds like hard work and certainly no friend.

Don't go. If she is being so difficult even when you are going to so much trouble then she either is bonkers or doesn't want you to come.

Just to add to the other comments, the pressure on baby's ears flying too on top of her appalling attitude would be enough for me to not go.

Your wee baby shouldn't go on an unnecessary flight. Plus you'd have to get a passport arranged right after they've been born, all hassle and expense that you really don't need for a totally ungrateful cow of a bridezilla.

I wouldn't go out of principle. Her attitude is appalling.

@BunnyFox You are SO not being unreasonable. I would tell Bridezilla that I can't be at her wedding because she has made it too difficult for me.
(But if you do want to go, could your Mum and you not share a twin room with the baby in a cot? Many hotels allow this).

Honestly I wouldn't go. You really might not feel like it with a baby this young and this gives you a good excuse to decline the invitation.

I agree that you need to have the baby and your mum nearby, but is the issue that there are only exactly the right number of rooms? If you book one for your mum will one of the wedding guests need to stay elsewhere?

Just to add, I’ve flown internationally, long haul between Aus and the UK with babies and children of all ages.

i would not fly, for any length of flight, with a 3mo. I agree with other posters this is not worth the absolutely batshit level of inconvenience.

I can't possibly ask that of my mum. She is already offering to move heaven and earth so that I can come to your wedding and it would be so rude of me to expect any more of her.

You just need to decide for yourself whether it's worth you all doing the trip at all. For me, it would be an easy no. Your mum is offering to go too far above and beyond anyway, it's silly money and too much of an imposition on her already. This is the perfect opportunity to say no to going. But if you really still want to then you need to establish with the bride whether space can be found at the hotel for your mum with good grace. There is zero point you and your mum going to all this trouble to attend if your friend then goes cold on you straight after because she's pissed off at having your mum use an extra bedroom. And asking your mum to stay at a different hotel is (IMO) out of the question.

She’s being utterly ridiculous (bridezilla) and should be incredibly grateful that you are making the effort to attend with a newborn and pay for two rooms, and grateful to your mum for allowing it to happen. As she isn’t, are you able to get your money back and cancel? She doesn’t sound like a true friend.

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't take a new baby on a plane to a destination where she wasn't wanted and where her day-time caregiver wasn't wanted, either. The baby might easily be born two weeks late and you might be struggling physically after the birth. Obviously I hope you don't, but some women do.

Your friend can have the sort of wedding she wants but she can't also have you there.

Wow, your friend could not be less accommodating if she tried… if she worth the time/money/effort you are putting into attending her wedding?

It's awful she's put you in this position because whatever happens now there will be a sour taste.

Basically the options are:

1. you bend over backwards, suck it up and go
2. You reach an awkward compromise and go
3. You tell her you arent going

From experience, the friendship will be in the shitter and she'll (incorrectly) resent you whatever you do.

Mat leave will also drain your savings faster than you know.
There is no way I'd go in these circs and I'm a very laissez-faire mother who was happy to "adandon" her babies for social events from 8 weeks or so

Despite offering you a comprehensive reply, I'm now thinking that you should just take the opportunity to not go. As many others have said, this is going to be a painful trip (possibly literally for your baby, if it has ear problems during the flight).

Basically she's unwittingly given you an out, which I'd grab with both hands.

Your Mum is technically part of the wedding party as she's there to enable you to attend

You're bending over backwards. It's madness.

Your baby isn't even born yet and you're prioritising a bitchy friend over them. You might not even be able to fly with a 3 month old baby. Your Dr may recommend against it based on your baby's immunity, why would you expose such a tiny baby to all the germs on flights/airports when it's not essential travel?

If it's a budget airline space to hold a baby on your lap the entire flight may be very uncomfortable never mind trying to feed them during take off and landing so the air pressure doesn't hurt them.

absolutely agree your mum needs to be on site so I wouldn't budge on that but I also wouldn't fall out over it. She may just be clueless about practicalities of caring for a baby & only thinking about her wedding - before I had my kids this just wouldn't have crossed my mind & yes I do remember quietly bitching with a friend about a new-born being at a wedding & us both being perplexed & irritated about why they didn't just leave him at home with her mum for the day

I’d question her friendship and ability to understand you’re bending over backwards for her special day. Fuck that. Stay home with your baby. Or go on a lovely holiday where your mum is welcome and bin off the wedding.

Completely agree with this.

leave bridezilla to it.

Has she paid for the hotel to be just for the wedding as I suspect the hotel already gave books other none wedding guests in. Your friend is being very cf in her request. Do what works for you. She's lucky you coming with a young baby.

To be honest I wouldn't go to that wedding. Your baby will still be tiny and three months is a very common time for the baby to cluster feed which means you could be constantly feeding.
Also you might still be recovering from the birth you will almost certainly be shattered.

Funny sort of best friend; SIBVU. You've done well to come up with a perfectly reasonable solution that fits her child-free wedding.

Tell her her suggested logistics are going to make it impossible for you to attend her wedding if there's no wiggle room. Tell her you'll book an evening and take her out when she gets back and she can tell you all about it.

You can't do that to your mother.

I'd also be rethinking about going to the wedding. Abroad with a young baby especially if you had a bad birth.