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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

614 replies

BunnyFox · 03/01/2025 16:33

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

OP posts:
Whatabouthow · 03/01/2025 17:05

Fuck. That.

Spending a grand to attend with a baby that little, only to be told you can't have babes in arms or your mum help? No thanks.

saraclara · 03/01/2025 17:05

"As my baby will need feeding at intervals during your celebrations, having mum stay at the venue is the only way that I can attend your wedding."

You could add "I'm extremely grateful to my mum for agreeing to this, and the expense of her flight and accommodation is significant. I have done all I can to be at your wedding and fulfill your child-free requirements. But I'm afraid that mum and baby staying at the venue is non-negotiable for me"

TookTheBook · 03/01/2025 17:06

If this is your first baby, I think you're underestimating how tired you'll be and the fact that babies aren't on a tight routine even by 3 months so you'll be popping in and out regularly to feed, especially as you'll all be discombobulated from the change of setting away from home.

Just don't go. Unfortunately your friend will only understand when she has her first baby.

Eddielizzard · 03/01/2025 17:07

saraclara · 03/01/2025 17:05

"As my baby will need feeding at intervals during your celebrations, having mum stay at the venue is the only way that I can attend your wedding."

You could add "I'm extremely grateful to my mum for agreeing to this, and the expense of her flight and accommodation is significant. I have done all I can to be at your wedding and fulfill your child-free requirements. But I'm afraid that mum and baby staying at the venue is non-negotiable for me"

Excellent reply

Penguinmouse · 03/01/2025 17:07

Your friend is really unreasonable - not even letting a BRIDESMAID have a babe in arms at the wedding and then won’t let someone buy a hotel room in the onsite place? I’d pull out, she is massively unreasonable.

TookTheBook · 03/01/2025 17:07

saraclara · 03/01/2025 17:05

"As my baby will need feeding at intervals during your celebrations, having mum stay at the venue is the only way that I can attend your wedding."

You could add "I'm extremely grateful to my mum for agreeing to this, and the expense of her flight and accommodation is significant. I have done all I can to be at your wedding and fulfill your child-free requirements. But I'm afraid that mum and baby staying at the venue is non-negotiable for me"

This is full is the perfect clear reply. Though you might want to soften it to keep the friendship.

Jasmine222 · 03/01/2025 17:07

Wow, why is this selfish person your friend, let alone your best friend?!

PeppyGreenFinch · 03/01/2025 17:07

Are the flights paid for? I’d be looking to back out if not.

unclemtty · 03/01/2025 17:08

I'm guessing the bride has not had children?
Because it's a ridiculous suggestion not to allow babes in arms at a wedding anyway, let alone the stupidness of not allowing your mum to stay at the same hotel.
I'd skip the whole thing, maybe your friend will return to being an actual human being after her big do.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/01/2025 17:08

Honestly. Cancel and don't go.

You are bending over backwards to make this work, at three months could well still be cluster feeding a lot.

Your friend clearly isn't actually that bothered about you being there, and hasn't given any thought at all to your situation.

One final message. I really want to attend your wedding. However, Baby will still be very very small and is likely to be feeding ever couple of hours, particularly in the evening. Therefore I will need baby to be at the same venue so I can keep them alive. This means my mum, who has kindly agreed to look after the baby, will need to stay at the same hotel.

This is the only way I can attend the wedding

HomeTheatreSystem · 03/01/2025 17:09

Ooral · 03/01/2025 17:03

YANBU

I can see this thread reborn in a few years when Bridezilla is faced with the same nonsense.

I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of going and having a 3 month old in another hotel.

There was a thread not that long back about a couple who'd had a no baby/child rule for their wedding (not allowed even in the venue car park) who displayed the most breathtaking hypocrisy once they'd had their first baby by bringing them to a childfree wedding and getting upset when asked to leave. I do wonder what goes on in these people's heads sometimes. Not that much it would seem.

JMSA · 03/01/2025 17:09

OP, I think you've been absolutely amazing for accommodating everything as well as you have Star
Your friend should be grateful for your efforts.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2025 17:09

Frostyaf · 03/01/2025 16:51

It's very unlikely that when the time comes for this wedding, you will actually want to go.

Agreed. And please do not agree to having your mum in a different hotel. It’s already self absorbed enough that she doesn’t want a babe in arms at her wedding when travelling abroad.

Tiswa · 03/01/2025 17:10

Barrenfieldoffucks · 03/01/2025 16:37

I'd say that my mum stays at hotel, or we don't come at all. No hard feelings, but we won't be able to come unless the baby is safe on site. At 3 months, she's tying your hands completely.

This just say it is impossible for me to come then

LasagneLasagne · 03/01/2025 17:11

You are making a vast number concessions in order to be there and your friend is being incredibly unreasonable.
Your baby will still be small, you have no idea how well feeding and sleeping will be going. If it was me, I wouldn't be going at all.

WonderingWanda · 03/01/2025 17:11

I can't get past her not letting you bring your bf baby to the wedding.

FKAT · 03/01/2025 17:12

Don't go. Your friend is a twat.

CheshireCat1 · 03/01/2025 17:12

Just tell your friend that if your Mum isn’t in the same hotel looking after your baby that you won’t be able to come. If she wanted all the hotel rooms just for her guests she should have booked and paid for them all. I don’t think that she’s a decent friend.

BreakfastClubBlues · 03/01/2025 17:13

This person is not your friend. She doesn't seem to care about you at all, or appreciate the lengths you (and your mum!) are going to to be there for her.

I would put myself and my tiny baby first and stay home.

Endofyear · 03/01/2025 17:14

I would tell your friend that no, you need your newborn baby to be in the same hotel as you for feeding etc. The only alternative would be for you not to go. If she's happier for you to not attend rather than have your baby close by in the hotel then frankly she's not much of a friend. You've already done more than I would have done to accommodate her wishes - I would have just declined the invitation.

mewkins · 03/01/2025 17:14

This would have become too much of a faff for me a LONG time ago.

BlueSilverCats · 03/01/2025 17:15

@BunnyFox did your friend book the whole hotel just for her guests? If not, and you'd be sharing the premises with others anyway, then it makes this whole thing even worse.

Either she's incredibly shallow and self absorbed, or she doesn't actually want you there. Either way, that's a crappy friend to have.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 03/01/2025 17:16

How good a friend is she? I think you are good going with a three month old baby (who might be late, you might have a section etc)

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/01/2025 17:16

Doesn’t sound like she really cares if you are at the wedding tbh.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/01/2025 17:16

TookTheBook · 03/01/2025 17:06

If this is your first baby, I think you're underestimating how tired you'll be and the fact that babies aren't on a tight routine even by 3 months so you'll be popping in and out regularly to feed, especially as you'll all be discombobulated from the change of setting away from home.

Just don't go. Unfortunately your friend will only understand when she has her first baby.

I was going to say the same. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and you will be able to sail through this... but you have given yourself the stress of travelling abroad with a very small baby, who may not be in a routine, not for an informal holiday but for a fixed date, formal event.
You can't really tell how you will feel.
If you do go, leave yourself an exit strategy if this is just all too much. ie don't be a bridesmaid... in case for any reason you may be unable to go.

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