AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

You're thinking of all that has gone before, then her, then yourself.

She's thinking of herself, then herself, then what's gone before, never the baby. Or you.

When you become a mum everything shifts and that is okay. This is a situation that you have to put your baby and yourself first. You'll regret it potentially otherwise.

I don't think she is a bridezilla but there just aren't enough rooms. From personal experience, no way I could have been abroad at a wedding with my first baby at 3 months. She will just have to accept that you can't go.

I don't recognise the notion of 'babes in arms' being exceptional circumstances at childfree weddings. . . ? I had a childfree wedding 14 years ago because I didn't want children there. It changes the atmosphere, whether it's 3 year olds, or 3 month olds.

That said, when it became apparent that a couple within our social circle couldn't come because they couldn't leave their baby, I totally understood this and arranged to meet up after the wedding.

I think personally where @BunnyFox's friend is missing the point (more than likely as a result of naivety) is that it's unreasonable to expect the best of both worlds here. She should either accept baby as a guest, or decide that she understands OP's reason for swerving the wedding.

I don't recognise the notion of 'babes in arms' being exceptional circumstances at childfree weddings.

That’s what we did. Babies don’t run round and disrupt proceedings. If they cry they get taken out. Anyone with a baby less than a year old brought them to our wedding, you wouldn’t have known they were there.

Au contraire Blossomtoes, I'd say it's more fashionable to think new mothers should be able to get back to normal within weeks of giving birth!

Yes of course, some women do experience this, at least with a particular baby, and it's good that you're one of them. But out of my friends and NCT cohort, maybe 1 or 2 didn't seem to find it as much of a challenge as the rest of us. I don't feel bad or guilty about it, and didn't at the time: it's just the way it is, a learning process many of us go through. And in OP's predicament, it's probably wiser for her to assume that she will find new motherhood all-consuming, rather than otherwise.

I agree with this. I think the 'babes in arms' thing is the biggest load of bs going. Babies scream! cry. And you can't predict it. There are so many stories on here of newborn babies letting out earpiercing screams during the VOWS. Do an AS for it. So many vows have been interrupted by newborns suddenly screaming. And people say they'll take them out the minute they start screaming, but its too late. The moment they scream, it interrupts everything.

While I think with the OP her 'friend' has been horribly selfish, I think this 'babes in arms' is the biggest load of bullshit ever to enter this site. I actually would prefer having a toddler, than a newborn. I would have toddlers at my wedding before I'd ever, ever have a 'babe in arms' because toddlers cause less disturbance than an ear-splitting screaming baby.

Your husband definitely does sound like a good egg!

At this juncture - I'd be making it so that I'm doing everything in my power to attend, and in the background, I'd not be organising anything. Trying to look after a newborn is going to be taxing enough without factoring in air travel (I know it can be done but will you want to do the travelling when the time comes) lugging luggage and a buggy/baby equipment with you??

If she booked a hotel without doing due diligence on whether there might be a separate wedding or event happening either the day before/after which would impact on her wedding, then that's entirely on her and just because she wants a wedding to look a certain way, unless she has a wedding organiser at the helm, as it's overseas, it's more likely to look very differently to what she wants.

You have many months to decide but if I were you, I'd make that call by Easter '25 and not drag it out until later on in the year.

All fair enough. No one has to care about the presence of children at their weddings, just as others don't find weddings as important to them as they are to the bride and groom and are perfectly at liberty to decline their invitation.

I don't care to attend 'destination' weddings, either. I'd far rather expend my precious annual leave on family holidays and a destination of our choosing.

All fine and dandy, as long as heads don't start to disappear up posteriors as a result of others' preferences.

Your DH's proposal is not a solution, it is giving the bride exactly what she wants. It's a guarantee that neither your or DH will enjoy it. Good luck but you're just giving in to your shitty friend's request.

I get that you have been friends since you were 4. But that cuts both ways.

I've been a bride who married abroad. We went to quite the length to accommodate our guests. We paid for their hotel rooms too!

Well really, Your wedding, your wishes -ok - My baby, my Mum , My Family Not Attending.
This is beyond the realms of unreasonable behaviour, I hope your so-called friend is never asked to put her own family out to the extent she's expecting you to.

Yes, and then when OP stands very sensible ground, bride cries to induce guilt.

Your friend didn't engage her brain planning this wedding, OP. And she's making everyone pay for it in several ways. Stop bending over backwards for someone who doesn't much consider you. Being friends since 4 is what she's counting on will make you move everything to accommodate her. It's selfish af.

Since your updates, I just wouldn't go.

So friends since 4 & she can't contemplate you having your baby there?

That's no friend imo.

When I read these threads I'm not quite sure if I'm more astounded by the behaviour of the bride or the person twisting themselves into a pretzel by trying(&failing) to please/appease them!

This is what you need to say.. at 3 months the baby isn't really seperate from the mother (4th trimester and all that). You will have auch better time if you had the baby with you and your husband can take out outside for the actual ceremony (as crying babies in the ceremony are awful). But rest of day I can't see why the baby being there will effect the bride at all. They won't take up a seat or anything like that. I wouldn't go all that way to potentially be going up and down to hotel room all day. They are literally feeding all the time then.

Just tell her it's booked & Paid for & you wont be cancelling or booking another hotel as your Mum & Baby need to be near you. How will she cope with others, not in her wedding party booking the same hotel. Unless she has booked out the whole hotel for her guests only she'll have strangers mooching about. Is she going to find out who else has booked & contact them to book elsewhere too?

My New Born is 6 months. I learned the hard way that travelling more than 2 hours each way to events in the UK was too much. He's a pretty chilled baby, but babies are still disregulated, can get colic, tummy & sickness bugs, separation anxiety or suddenly ill without notice. When we've taken him to events, I didn't enjoy them because I was anxious because of baby related things. Not saying you would be, but it's a possibility to have in mind. When we travelled abroad, he woke up every hour because of the unfamiliar environment and was clingy and wanted me, not my husband.

In summary, I can hear the love you have for your friend, but what she is asking you to do is likely to compromise yours and baby's wellbeing. Your mum being there may mitigate that somewhat, but if that's now not an option, the stress she is asking you to bear, is too much.

It's not her fault you have a family to think about, but it's your responsibility to make sure both you and baby are fine. She is prioritising her wedding (understandable to an extent) but you must prioritise your wellbeing. Even now, with our bubba being 6 months, the arrangement you describe gives me knots in my stomach.

Your friend knows you love her. Perhaps suggest doing something with her in the UK/where you are based after the wedding?

I know your husband has offered, but that's taking another resource out of an already strained, sleepless household. What you need, in my view, is an external resource (I.e., not your immediate household) taking that burden on your behalf. Your mum sounds perfect for that - but, it's unfair to have her stay elsewhere. In addition, you don't know how your hormones will impact you by then. Please look after yourself. This is coming from someone who tried to Please others and made a lot of premature effort and ended up feeling burnt out with a newborn. I had to rethink what I could say yes to. Sometimes I had to give nos I did not want to give, because I needed to.

I am so sorry you are at these sort of crossroads. So much changes when you have a baby, unfortunately, this can impact the closest of friendships - but in necessary ways as you adjust to new responsibilities/dynamics.

Good luck with it all x

OP - i think your friend is being ridiculous. Sure from a place of ignorance. But there is a reason most child-free weddings exclude babe in arms - you need to be near your baby. Honestly your husband should be fine, and 4 weeks after my c section I was driving - and I have all sorts of pelvic problems. After 6 weeks I felt loads better.

Read all the fine print of any travel insurance you get in case you can't go (labour can go sideways in allsorts of ways).

But you'll probablybe fine.

Your friend however is an idiot. My favourite wedding photo is of 2 parents hanging out the back of the church with their tiny babies.

Good luck with your pregnancy and labour!

it sounds like youve offered a really reasonable solution. she's out of order.

My sister (encouraged by my mum) banned children at her wedding so we left our impeccably behaved 20 month old at home with his other granny. It became apparent during the service that other children were attending because of the disturbance they were causing. They were primary school aged with named places at the sit-down reception. I seethed quietly and made sure that I, with my 8 months pregnant bump and very large hat, was right there on the front row of all the group photos.
Mum offered the feeble excuse that the parents had been let down by their childcare at the last minute. They were right there on the seating plan!

Ask that your dh and baby are allowed to the whole thing with the proviso that the baby is taken out immediately if it’s fussing.
I wouldn’t promise that dh will be the one taking it out all the time as the baby might not always settle with him. It might have to a shared job.

By the time it fusses its already too late. Its already been heard and caused a disturbance.

No more than if any other guest coughs, sneezes, blows their nose or cries. As long as the baby is taken out fairly swiftly, I wouldn't count bit of fussing as a 'disturbance'.

Not sure if this has been mentioned… but will you have enough time to get baby a passport?

Your friend sounds extremely selfish and unempathetic