AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

If you choose to breastfeed, at 3 months they'll be clamped on a lot of the time. It's not feasible to be apart from the baby for too long, and it's unpredictable when they'll need you. Even childfree weddings often allow babies under 6 months for that reason.

I think the difference here is that you already had DC. Becoming a parent for the first time is a whole different ball game. It's a massive life change and you are finding your way, particularly in the first year. I remember how hard I found it travelling with PFB. I worried about everything, it takes time to build confidence in yourself.

It's a whole different kind of stress travelling with the 4 children I have now but not nearly the same amount of worries as I know what to expect.

Just to offer a different perspective, I would have enjoyed attending a wedding when my baby was 3 months old, because I'm a sociable person and was going mad stuck indoors all the time. But I wouldnt have gone without my Mum's extra pair of hands to help out - no way I'd have wanted to be there without my husband being at the wedding too. And in any case I think a childfree wedding abroad can only work if you book an onsite hotel for all your guests, and that includes rooms for children being babysat onsite... sounds like the bride is extremely chaotic and clueless and if I were her sister I'd be really upset and probably wouldnt go.
Also the bride cant dictate who stays in a public hotel and has no right to say you cant book a room for your Mum.
If she has time she should probably find a different venue with more rooms.

Just sounds even more of a ball ache TBH. It means that none of you will have a great time.

This is all on your friend and her lack of planning. She's a complete prat for 'organising' her overseas wedding at this venue and not sorting out the rooms beforehand. She knows she's fucked up.

If she genuinely wants people to attend her wedding she should look at different hotels. I am assuming this wedding is in an area with lots of hotels - Spain/ Greece ..........

WHY has she chosen another country to get married in? Why? Did you ask why? Did she say why? You obviously don't know her as well as your thought you did. Your updates make her sound even more selfish. You say you've been 'best friends' since 4. Maybe from your side, but most certainly not from her side! If she genuinely cared about you being there, she wouldn't have even chosen to get married in another country, let alone make you pay all the costs, let alone choose a tiny hotel where your own mum who saw her grow into a woman isn't even allowed to have a room at. Just think about it. She's not bending over backwards to have you there, is she? Well, is she? I think you really need to bin her. She is garbage. She is not worth any of this. And deep down you know it.

can t you get a double room?
two beds?

Sounds like even more of a pain in the hole than ever tbh.Best do luck to you OP. When your baby arrives you will discover the very sharp realisation all FTMs do around priorities, suiting yourself and that babies don’t really tend to slot in in the way we all dream of.

She may be your best friend but you categorically are not hers. You are an after thought and your banned baby an inconvenience.

Good point @IdylicDay

If your friend is so bothered about people attending her wedding why the hell has she decided to have it abroad and in a small hotel where half the rooms are already booked up?

I think most brides and grooms who have an overseas wedding are pragmatic in that they know some friends/ family won't be able to attend eg. They can't afford it, they can't take the time off, they are heavily pregnant or just had a baby.

TBH if all the guests can't stay in the same venue it will completely change the logistics and dynamics of the day. It sounds shite TBH

You've done the right thing, I would release the room now for her sister and say you will find a hotel close by if you can come, then at least that's one less stress for her because another family member can have the room.

It’s enough of a mission going to the supermarket with a baby let alone flights, transfers, hotels - all sounds like a right pain in the bum to me! If it was me I’d bow out and send a nice card and present on their return. Obviously your friend doesn’t have kids yet or she would know the massive headache what she is asking would cause. Just saw the update - what a fiasco! Your hubby is fab hope the plan works out (still sounds like a pain the bum though)

Bear in mind too, all the hassle of getting a passport for the baby. Also baby won’t have had all the first vaccines and airplanes can be a hive of germs. People fly when ill as they don’t want to lose the money. Before you have a baby you never realise how protective you will be. Especially with their health. I honestly would give it a miss. People who opt for destination weddings need to realise how inconvenient it can be.

Your recovery from c section and your newborn are what's most important here .
You shouldn't be stressed at this time you should feel excited for meeting your new baby.
I understand you feeling this way but your friend should be understanding that you are in late pregnancy and this absolutely comes first.
Priorities change friendships change dynamics change its life .. take a step back and look after you and baby with no stress of upset.
Honestly your friends decisions and mess ups are not yours to make right this is on her and her husband to be.

You are going to be taking another risk booking flights before the baby is born. Flight bookings require details for all passengers. You may already know the sex and have a name for baby, but even then, it's a risk and you will have to be certain you can get a passport in time. You'll need to be ready to go with the passport photos etc very quickly as especially in the summer, passports can take a few weeks to arrive.
If it was a UK wedding, I wouldn't be worried as 3 month olds are at least portable but stay where you put them!

If you accept her madness now you know there will be no end to it. She will complain if you go and feed or settle your baby and/or she will complain that even if you are not with your baby that you are distracted by your baby.

You have gone from friend to doormat, it’s time to push back!

The fact that you have been friends since you were little and that she is disorganised doesn't give her the right to guilt trip you into going.

If she won't even allow family children to her wedding that's on her.

If she chooses to prioritise the venue over her guests she will have to accept that some people will not attend.

You should be focusing on preparing for your baby's arrival not helping her organise a wedding.

If she is really that disorganised she should choose a simple wedding where there is less risk of anything going wrong.

@MrRobinsonsQuango people don't "worship at the altar of children". They prioritise their guests needs because they want them there. What a silly statement

I am not sure if you're planning to breastfeed but look up cluster feeding / growth spurts - you may well end up spending a vast amount of time in the hotel room with a 3 month old baby if your exclusively breastfeeding laleche.org.uk/beginning-breastfeeding/

It's a huge financial commitment for you and you also don't realistically know how you'll feel after the birth in terms of travelling to another country. Some people who have had a C section for example might need longer to recover medically.

I think your friend is being completely unreasonable - I guess she clearly has no idea what it's going to be like for you with a newborn baby. It's a shame this is causing you stress during your pregnancy to be honest. Please save yourself further worry and tell her you can't commit to it at this stage. Perhaps book in last minute if you felt you could definitely go and she allowed you to have baby with you during the day. Have you asked her if you could have baby with you? Sorry if I've missed that bit.

Don't beat yourself up you haven't created any of this situation. Your best friend booked/planned her wedding abroad knowing it would be hard for you to attend. She booked a hotel with inadequate accommodation. She rejected your solution.

You are trying to make the best of it whilst cooking up a tiny human and everything that comes along with that..

If you book your flights you could take out travel insurance which would cover medical reasons not to attend. There's no way of knowing how it will go, it may be really easy and baby sleeps through most of it and you are feeling create. Or you could spend most of wedding exhausted and stressed with a screaming baby and everything in between.

@BunnyFox if you want to go, then it’s completely reasonable to go. It sounds like you have great support - DH sounds to have stepped up - and it absolutely isn’t impossible to travel with a 3 month old.
yes, there’s lots of stuff that could be a challenge, but honestly, planning to go and not making it might be better than sitting at home miserable because you cancelled now.

The bride sounds incredibly dippy, but hey we all have dippy friends. I’m more shocked by the idea she hasn’t invited her own niece and nephew to the wedding - what will they do whilst their parents attend? Bizarre.

Perhaps it's her way of saying she doesn't want you to come to her wedding. She is totally unreasonable & not much of a friend tbh.

I feel the bride hasn't really thought things through- for example, how will her sister come if she cannot get a room for her kids aa well?
I understand your mum would have been a great help and it's a shame to be swapping with your DH on the day. But given the scenario, I can understand why she js concerned about you having two rooms

I think if kids were allowed to this wedding then you would just about manage it. Plenty of people go on planes with babies. But as she has made it a child free wedding then she leaves you now choice really. You will have a baby that would still be in the newborn phase. It needs it's Mother. They feed all the time, and have meltdowns that last for possibly hours if they have stayed awake too long (Over 40mins). When you are worried about your baby having a meltdown or crying because it needs you, you cannot think about anything else and you just feel stressed until it's resolved. This idea of supporting your friend is a bit far fetched. She is a grown adult and when you have a newborn that isn't allowed near you then you will not be giving a shit about supporting your friend.

If she can't bend and allow a newborn in a carrier to a wedding then what does she expect? Also I do wonder what people are thinking when they won't even allow their own niblings.

Oh yeah as you said, vaccines, and what type of country is it? Is it one where you need certain vaccines to enter? Passport (can't be applied for until baby is here) and takes on average 4+ months to arrange (I think average is 6 months wait for new issued ones), plus vaccines. Honestly, its just not worth it and I hope OP comes to her senses, the last thing she wants is to be on hold for ages to consular to apply for a passport for baby, days after she's given birth. @BunnyFox its just not worth it. It really isn't.

Pffft. Being disorganised is just code for her being a selfish twat really, isn't it?

My son and his wife applied for their 8 week old daughter’s passport a couple of weeks ago and had it a week later.
We also got our new passports within 10 days just before Christmas.

You’re unlikely to want to go. I had a Caesarean which was well healed after 3 months, no depression, loved being the mum to one newborn (was the happiest year of my life), always enjoyed travel, had lived and worked abroad and would have fought wild horses to NOT go to a destination wedding with my brand new precious 3 month old.

The thought of sitting in recycled air with him when he was all brand new :shudder: