AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

TMGM · Yesterday 16:42
"I wouldn’t bother going. IMO prioritise your child, not someone so self centred. It comes down to the fact that unfortunately the timing isn’t great and your baby is too young to be away from you for too long."

TookTheBook · Yesterday 17:06
"If this is your first baby, I think you're underestimating how tired you'll be and the fact that babies aren't on a tight routine even by 3 months so you'll be popping in and out regularly to feed, especially as you'll all be discombobulated from the change of setting away from home.
Just don't go. Unfortunately your friend will only understand when she has her first baby."

BreakfastClubBlues · Yesterday 17:13
"This person is not your friend. She doesn't seem to care about you at all, or appreciate the lengths you (and your mum!) are going to to be there for her.
I would put myself and my tiny baby first and stay home."

These and the many similar comments are right. Your "friend" is not just being insensitive - more like unbelievably selfish and entitled. It's not realistic or necessary for you to go through all this hassle. Your instincts are right - don't put yourself through this.

When I was a new ftm (baby was only a few weeks old) I was a bridesmaid for my best friend in our own City so very convenient. The baby wasn't invited but I think that's due to it being covid times. She was so accommodating and I even met her at the ceremony and left the reception early. Even so, I found this so so stressful as I was bf/hormonal etc... When I was pregnant I could never have predicted how hard I would find this and was genuinely looking forward to it!! My point OP, is that you may feel completely different in a few months and not even want to attend the wedding. Do not let your friend bully you into anything you're not comfortable with. You're sound like an amazing friend she's very lucky x

Your friend has no business telling anyone who can and can't stay in a public hotel. She also has no business trying to intervene in what you're doing in order to attend without your newborn.

Yeah she is! Ask what part of you having a young baby can’t she understand. Explain that she has two choices, either you don’t go or you have the baby close by and she needs to decide which option she prefers

Honestly I didn’t know my head from my
tail when my baby was 3 months old. A blur of sleepless nights nappies and demand feeding. I felt totally exhausted. Getting to the co-op was a triumph let alone abroad. It’s a huge ask of you and your dear mum.

Urgh, I don't get child free weddings. We had a special children's table and menu (where they were old enough to be apart from parents) and a children's entertainer in a separate room. It was also not a particularly expensive wedding (80 guests, total budget 7K in today's money).
Why would you not want your friends DC who you see all the time not to be part of your celebrations?

Because lots of people don't worship at the alter of children most likely. Other people's children aren't that fussed by your wedding. One of my low points was an old friend getting married, someone bringing their clearly sick children to the wedding and me getting norovirus before an important job interview 🙄. Great

My 1st wedding l had children against my better judgment. My 2nd wedding was no children which was the way we wanted it.

I now have 2 under 2. Don't assume other people care about my children's presence at their wedding. My children aren't that fussed by-their loves are cats, pigs in blankets, duplo and Clangers. A church in Aldershot, church hall in Wokimg and a hog roast aren't that amazing ro them (or to me but anyway)

It’s really difficult to understand before you have a baby what it’s going to be like and how you’ll feel post birth. Your baby could be even younger if you are overdue, you also have no idea how the birth is going to be. Three month old babies can need quite a lot of attention, especially if they are colicky, cluster feeding etc. Whilst I’m sure your birth and baby will be fine, one of mine was overdue and it was discovered had a health condition a few weeks after birth. You can also be quite hormonal post birth and might not want to be separated from your baby especially at a different location.

Basically every birth and baby experiences are different and you just don’t know until they arrive.

Hi everyone, I wanted to give everyone an update as I feel I owe one:
After a day of my silence bride messaged again and doubled-down on the room situation (said even her sister has asked for an additional room as she will need to bring her 2 children and as mentioned, hotel has no family rooms, just doubles and bride has said she can only have one).
But at least she explained what’s happened:
as mentioned, bride is not malicious but is a very disorganised person and never thinks things through. Case in point - her and her partner, despite having large families and a large guest list have decided on a location no one is connected to so everyone will have to get accommodation. The best part? They’ve managed to opt for a boutique hotel that not only had only 35 rooms to begin with - but 15 of those rooms were already booked for another wedding happening for the next day. So from the start they only have 20 rooms (10 per side) to play with. So bride and partner are freaking out as immediate family nearly fill that - you couldn’t write it.
It then does make sense that my mum having one of those rooms is out of the question, and if anything I’m just really annoyed at her lack of planning.
Additionally, this thread has given me a lot of pause for thought about all the logistical challenges of this venture with a 3 month old. I knew I would be sleep deprived but hadn’t considered baby having colic, cluster feeding or me having PP depression or a Caesarian and still physically healing.
In (admittedly) haste, I told bride I couldn’t go as it wasn’t feasible, she was crying, I was stern at first but I’m now crying as I feel like I’m punishing her but it’s more that I’m unsure how I’ll feel when the time comes.
Luckily my DH has provided a really good solution and has texted my best friend with this as tensions are still fraught. He said that my mum won’t come, but he will look after baby in the room all day if babies are still off limits, or he is happy to have babe in arms all day if she is happy to flex on that. He said that with a month to go before the wedding, we’ll let her know if I feel I'm physically up to the task and can come. Or if I just can’t do it, I’ll release my room and give it to her sister (silver lining).

Did your DH check with you before offering your friend that solution?

I think your instincts to not go are right.

I don’t think you should pay for that room, I don’t think you’ll get your money back if you don’t go. Is it free to reserve it?

Oh yeah, we discussed at length before hand. He’s a good egg and only wants to help as he knows I’m upset and stressed with this.
I think I can cancel a month in advance and get money back. If not, I’m happy to give to her sister.

The bride hasn’t even considered her own sister and her own nieces/ nephew(s) are they invited to the no children wedding ? Your friend is bat shit crazy, expecting everyone to travel to a destination wedding “ somewhere they just fancy” and not making proper accommodation arrangements. God only knows what else they have managed to mess up, no way would I be going, Give up the room now and let her sister have it. Mind you if I were her sister I would be having second thoughts about attending myself.

That’s lovely of him in that case. Although it doesn’t sound much fun for either of you with a small baby.

Will you book flights a month in advance if you decide to go?

Why would you even bother contemplate going? Hence the difficulties you are now experiencing.
Attending a wedding abroad is not a high priority when you have small children..obvious, no?

I probably will have to book flights in advance and eat that cost, you’re right. 😕

We’ve been best friends since 4 years old, I couldn’t imagine not going. But equally, don’t know what I’ll feel when baby arrives.

Reading your updates. Honestly, this is so much hassle. Future you will be so grateful to now you if you just release room.

Honestly once you have a baby all other priorities seem to melt away. You are in daze for the first 3 months with bleary eyed sleep deprivation, you will learn to not be bothered about dry sick on your jumper 😂 You'll be so immersed, the last thing you will want to do is go abroad with the baby.
You'll either want to go alone for a real break or not go at all. It's definitely a game changer and won't be business as usual. Good luck in whatever decision you make.

'Worship at the alter of childtren'? I dont even know what you mean by that. It was actually mostly about recognising the needs of my friends as parents. But once there, I didn't expect the kids 'to be fussed' by my wedding - that's why they were specifically catered for, rather than simply having to fit in. I generally can't stand the whole Bridezilla thing; it's just a party at the end of the day and surely you want your friends and family to be happy and relaxed if you are entertaining them.

So you’ll be paying for flights and hotel that you potentially can’t use.

Plus have this hanging over you for months.

It is most likely that you will have an uneventful birth and a healthy baby. At three months you will know her routines quite well.
You will have a great time. Invest in a baby carrier and have her used to travelling in it with both your husband and yourself wearing it. Husband can wear baby and she'll be happy.

OP, just to counteract all the scaremongering about travelling with a baby. We took our youngest abroad when he was 12 weeks old (for a big family holiday that was booked before he was even conceived). Having travelled with both my kids at various ages from 12 weeks up to 4 years I can honestly say that 12 weeks was the easiest age to take a child. It’s a whole other level once they get to 18 months! Take a carrier so you can baby wear if needed, get a snoozeshade for the pram, if you’re going somewhere hot don’t worry about taking loads of clothes (my boy was pretty much just in his nappy most of the time).

I was also post c-section and we’d massively struggled with breast feeding due to a tongue tie but it was all fine and I was ready to get away for a week….oh and we also had a 2.5 year old to contend with too!

I can almost guarantee at 3 months postpartum you will not want to do this. Whether you give birth vag or C-section you will be recovering and exhausted.

Use what the bride has said, as a grand excuse to bow out with an excellent excuse.

How far away actually is this wedding?

You won't be able to book flights before your baby is actually born, and there's a risk that you won't be able to get a passport for them in time.

Honestly, you and your husband are being so nice trying to accommodate bridezilla but I think it is all going to end in tears and probably a lot of wasted money for you.

If I've understood your posts correctly, the couple have decided to get married in a location which is super inconvenient for everyone, involving international travel for all their friends and family, and not invite anyone's children. (Or are her sister's children invited? In which case there is absolutely no reason why your baby couldn't go too.) Did no one tell her that this is actually a really bad idea and that half her guests probably won't come?

I would almost feel sorry for her except for the fact that you've explained to her how difficult this is going to be for you to pull off and instead of giving her head a wobble and realising that it's already a huge thing that you're going to all this effort to try to attend her silly destination wedding and she should just let you bring your baby, she's doubling down.

That's on her. No one else.

You don't have to attend this wedding. You really, really, don't.

It doesn't matter if you've been friends since you were 4. She doesn't appreciate the Herculean efforts you are willing to go to to make this work, she won't even make the tiniest concession to make it more doable for you.

If she cared that much about your attendance she wouldn't be making it so difficult for you to attend.

So bugger her.

When she's spent an exorbitant sum of money on a fancy wedding which some of her nearest and dearest decline to go to because they just can't make it work financially, or because they can't find anyone to look after their children, maybe she'll reflect on what's really important in life. Or maybe she won't.

Either way, she's not as good a friend as you think she is.

Personally I think you'd be doing her a favour by saying no now, rather than saying no a month before the wedding when she'll be even more stressed than she is now. Give her time to get over it before the baby comes. You don't want to ruin your time with your brand new baby worrying about a silly wedding. That time goes so quickly and you don't want to waste it either running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get your baby a passport and organise this insanely complicated trip, or feeling sad because your friend isn't speaking to you because you're not going to her wedding.

Call her back and say, "I've decided that the baby and I come as a package. I don't want to spend thousands for DH and I to fly out to your wedding only to waste a dinner and have an empty seat next to me all day because my baby is banished from the wedding and DH is holed up in the hotel room. Getting over there with a tiny baby will already be a massive expense and a Herculean effort which you don't seem to appreciate, and I'm done bending over backwards trying to find solutions. Either DH, baby and I are all invited for the whole thing, or none of us are coming. Let me know what you decide."