AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

No way, your friend is being a twat.

I understand your dilemma OP. We took our 10 week old abroad for a wedding. I had had an EMC and was still in bad shape, which made it far less enjoyable. My friend was amazing and let me take the baby to the wedding, but it was still tough with cluster feeding and colic. The practicalities of booking were easy - the baby was listed as 'Baby X' on the flight booking, and I had to ring the airline with name and DoB once baby was born. Having said that, it was a hard week and if I'd known then what I know now, I would have sent my friend my apologies and a lovely gift. She is a lovely, kind friend with children of her own and she would have understood. I think if your friend was reasonable she would allow babes in arms at her wedding - it's so difficult to be separated from them at that age, especially if you breastfeed. If she doesn't offer that option, then she must know there is a chance you won't go.

Good luck with your decision - you sound like a loyal friend and I know it isn't easy.

I mean this in the nicest possible way…
To embark on this crazy idea of flying abroad for a wedding so soon after having a baby is ludicrous. You are going to be completely tired out just looking after baby, you probably get very little sleep, and also this is an important stage of bonding with baby, you’ll have nothing else left to give, mentally or physically. Please… for your sake and the baby, tell your selfish friend it’s a definite no.

@BunnyFox I feel for you. I really do. But you would have been right to stick to your guns and not give in to what was emotional blackmail, even if she didn't mean it that way, when she started crying.

Think about it: You are not going to have a good time if your DH isn't with you for the day, but stuck in a hotel room minding the baby. You will be on your own, feeling sorry for your DH, worrying about him AND the baby. If you are breastfeeding, then you are quite likely to be spending more time in the room feeding the baby, than actually at the wedding. If you are bottle-feeding then it's going to be a big hassle sterilising all the equipment, never mind having to have room for it all in your luggage. With such a small baby, you can't take risks with the same kind of formula not being available at the place you are staying.

Your friend IS being a Bridezilla, even if she doesn't mean to be.

There seems to be a lot of doom and gloom around how difficult life will be with a 3 month old. You could also absolutely be nailing it and will have a fantastic time away with your husband and baby!
Your life doesn’t end when you have kids, it changes but you can still do things 😊
Your best friend really hasn’t thought things through at all but it’s clear you want to go to the wedding so you should go x

Her being disorganised isn’t your problem. You seem like a lovely person but stop making excuses for her. She would have known about the issue with rooms when the hotel was booked and she still went ahead anyway.
Weddings are important events but so are having babies. I don’t think your friend is giving you the same respect you are giving her

We got married overseas when our best friends had an 18 month old baby, I didn’t expect them to come at all, and told them so. Conversely my sister got married in Vegas when I had 3 under 5. It was impossible that I go, she hasn’t spoken to me since. (Nearly 20 years).
People are entitled to have whatever wedding they want but to make it very difficult for people to attend and then expect them to is beyond selfish. It almost feels like a loyalty test.

Also OP, if the bride has been your best friend since she was 4 why isn’t your mum part of the wedding party? Surely she’d class as close friends/family?

It’s not that way for everyone. Some women are pretty much back to normal at this point and getting a decent chunk of sleep, I was getting six hours from around four weeks. It’s fashionable to paint the first months as a nightmare but it’s not a universal experience.

Your friend is being ridiculous. You’re already going above and beyond travelling abroad for a wedding with a baby and bringing your mum, now she doesn’t even want to accommodate your mum being in the same hotel? She can do one tbh.

Honestly I wouldn't go. When my baby was new born, I was constantly feeding. You're going to be exhausted and stressed about leaving her. It would be better to say no now, rather than cancelling and being out of pocket for the flights.

That sounds like a great resolution. Chances are you will be tired but happy to be there. And good on you for making an effort for your friends, remind me of the other thread here about putting on effort for your village.

I think you’ve found the perfect solution. It give you flexibility to see how you feel after the birth which is the most important thing.

Your friend really has been quite disorganised in not also finding g an overflow hotel she can direct people to if there aren’t enough rooms.

It’s still a big ask to expect OP to travel abroad with a new baby, attend a wedding, and not have her mother and the baby in the same hotel. I stand by what I say, OP should decline the invitation, her friend is in selfish Bridezilla mode.

Can’t you and your mum share one room? Can you bring a travel cot or ask the hotel for one?

Read OP 's posts. Her DH is also attending the wedding.

She could be totally back to normal. But with no way of knowing its not something I'd potentially waste a lot of time and money on.

Everyone saying OP will be unable to travel with 3 month old - I had a difficult pregnancy, emergency c section which I didn’t heal well from - but went to a holiday at the coast in UK when she was 8 days, flew for a week to see family in Italy when she was 6 weeks and to Malta for a fortnight when she was 3 months - and it was fine. Took it easy, Oh had baby in sling, enjoyed all the trips. So you also might be fine to go. I don’t think many people in reality lock themselves away from life for 3 months because postpartum is so hard. Yes, it’s got its challenges and depends on baby and you but you are more likely to be able to go than not. Although given the circumstances described I can see why you’d give it a miss.

That would be a big fat no from me. Celebrate with her when she gets home.

The bride can't police who books those hotel rooms. What if there is somebody from the other wedding - or completely unrelated to either wedding - on the phone booking a couple of rooms right now?

Are there no other hotels in the area that guests can stay at? Presumably yes, as she expected to mum to stay at an alternative hotel. I don't understand the panic.

We got married at a small boutique hotel (not abroad). We had a room and a small handful of guests also stayed there - along with other people unconnected to our wedding. The hotel wasn't full. A few other people booked into the Travelodge down the road as it was cheaper. Everyone doesn't have to sleep under the same roof.

I don't think many people are saying she will be unable to travel with a three month old, just pointing out that there may be some unexpected complications.

None of the people talking about how easy it was to travel with their three month old were in a situation where they were expected to then be apart from their three month old for an entire day and evening. And that's the issue here, not the travel per se.

I left my first baby with my MIL for a couple of hours when he was about 6 weeks old the first time. I went back to work full time when he was 7 months old. So I wasn't the kind of FTM who couldn't leave her baby at all. We went to two weddings that summer. The second was when he was 5 months old and the bride and groom had hired three babysitters to take care of all the children in a side room. Even then I took a bit of persuading to leave him with them, I popped back to check on him every hour or so, and he wouldn't take a bottle or sleep in one of the cots but stayed awake in the babysitter's arms until we decided to call it a night.

The bride has no say over who books rooms in a hotel unless she has already booked them all herself.
The hotel has a half the rooms booked out for another wedding. The bride had/has no say over that. And she should never have presumed to have any say over your booking either. It was none of her business. She should have accepted that it was a result of her own lack of forward thinking and quickly booked alternatives.

I understand you want to help her out but she has made some bad choices for which you are having to pay dearly. Already you have been forced to let your mum down.

You are having to scupper your own wise judgement in order to take the consequences for her poor judgement OP. So please don’t feel too upset or sorry for her and don’t be too reluctant to say, further down the line, that you can’t go, if necessary. She will have brought that on herself.
Your baby will automatically become your priority and you will see this situation more clearly after the birth. Good luck with everything.

Your friend is being ridiculous. If you have booked the rooms directly and paid for them, then your mum stays and that’s perfectly fine. If your friend wanted to reserve the rooms for guests then she should have booked out the whole hotel. Simple as that really.

Just for an alternative perspective - at 3 months post partum I went on my best friend’s hen do for two nights because she was my childhood friend and incredibly important to me.

I had to regularly express but I felt up to it and had a good time.

Which goes to show that all babies are different. Physically I felt like I hadn't ever given birth by six weeks post partum, but DD was a cluster feeder and EBF, so I couldn't have left her.