Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

If it works for you and you’re all happy why change it? There is the risk one of you might meet someone which will ultimately change the dynamics but doesn’t sound like either of you are interested in doing that.

It seems like quite a lovely co-parenting situation and you should both be very proud of yourselves, so lovely for your son. As you have quite a good relationship would it work if you spoke to him and said you were thinking about online dating? That way alternative sleeping arrangements could be discussed on the weekends if the need arose. It sounds like he may be understanding due to his admission he isn't into sex and he must know that you would never work as a couple due to this

I agree, if the arrangement is working, why change it.

sounds like you are both doing the best thing for your son and he is now your priority.

@RazzleDazz1e i don’t understand the ‘grow up’ comment? Is there something immature about my post?

Counter to the other posters I would say sure it sounds fine but you didn’t want a relationship with this guy due to lack of intimacy so don’t sleepwalk into spending your late 30’s and early 40’s just going along with all this. I’d maybe consider trying dating again (though that alone may put you off!) and seeing how it goes. He doesn’t need to know just tell him you’re doing a cinema club or something with friends and will give him and ds a bit more space… then if the need arises you can discuss rearranging sleepovers and childcare in future.

A friend of mine did something similar, baby was the result of a ONS between friends (also long distance) It worked well for them, though I think it has to be only if you're genuinely confident neither of you have feelings for the other, and if he's aware that you might be dating or hooking up with others (appreciate you might not be, just that it shouldn't be an issue if you were)

I've had a similar situation in some ways. My ex was regularly coming round to bathe and put little ones to bed. Lots of family days.

I've met someone now and he took it very very badly. It's causing extreme stress and our lovely set up has gone.

If it works, good for you. Just be aware it can change when they're not getting what they want.

@DandyTealSeal i suppose I know deep down I would love the typical relationship with sex and a future etc but it seems like if I pursue that then I put ds last, especially now when he’s so little. So I just think well things are ok so that’s that. But there’s a life out there I’m not living because of how things have turned out. I don’t know if that life would be better but this is definitely different to how I envisaged.

Parents that get along and a happy child. Sounds perfect to me

I don’t think it’s dysfunctional to do what is right for your child. It will be much better for him to grow up with the security of two parents working together than it will for him to live with a step parent.

@Newagestage i think he would be upset if he thought I was dating (I’m not). But equally I know he would never have a full sexual relationship with me so he also knows that’s not an option.

I have chatted to people online but I genuinely can’t be bothered to take it further and I think that’s because life is pretty ok and the only real thing I am missing is sex.

@ForgettingMeNot but I have to give up a sex life in the process and also face being alone in old age 😁

I don't see it as dysfunctional, not what would considered the norm, but was is these days

I would just carry on as you are. If either of you meet someone else then maybe you might have to revisit the arrangement

The only downside I see is that it sounds like you don't get much downtime with your DS. How will that work when he's at school? You do all the drudge work and homework etc, and he gets all the fun time?

Can he not move nearer so he can be an actual parent to your son?

As your DS gets older he will be okay to stay away properly at the weekends. Then you will have more choices. I'd go with it at the moment to revisit in another couple of years maybe.

Or, why not date without telling anyone else and see where it takes you? You might meet a lot of frogs before a prince!

@madroid hes a six hour drive away though. How would that work? I don’t even know what age that would be possible. 5? 6? Older?

I do sometimes think about dating but I don’t really have the urge to do so. Not at the moment anyway.

I think you are mistaking unusual for dysfunctional.

I don’t think he/its really stopping you dating it is? It’s more that you can’t be bothered.

presumably you could get a babysitter and go on a date during the week or go out when he’s looking after ds at the weekend?

I’m not sure what your point is, it is hard to meet some one after 40 as a single parent, but not impossible.

I don’t think you should put your romantic needs on hold for your ex, if you actually want a relationship but not sure it sounds like you do at the moment?

Your dc won’t be little forever and you will have more time to yourself as time goes on.

It sounds positive that your ex is so involved and supportive with your dc. If you did meet someone you’d just have to adjust things if things got serious. But I’m sure it would be doable eg. Meeting halfway and handing dc over so he stays at his dads instead.

Would ex ever move closer so that he could be more involved during the week, come to school events etc?

This is a classic example of where responses in AIBU cross the line to rude.

You could have just put the first part and missed off “and grow up”.

Maybe you should take your own advice and treat the OP like the strong woman she is.

Other things might change - one of you might move for work.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation (very short relationship, DC, long distance) and her ex got a caravan near her where her and their DC stayed for short visits and when older the DC went to stay with the ex for some weekends and holidays.

It is categorically not a worker if he is not willing to have you date but also doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you (in the traditional sense anyway).

As DS is now 3 could he really not have a weekend overnight with ex? This would offer you the opportunity to start tentatively dating. It also really shouldn’t be up to ex if you date after a long time of being separated. That is not his choice to make.

It may start to become confusing to DS that ex comes to the house and you go on holiday and play happy families but the two of you are not in a relationship. I think it is lovely you can co-parent and show a united front but the fact is that you are not in a relationship and there perhaps needs to be a slight shift in the way you work your co-parenting relationship to accommodate this.

I don't think it sounds sad! I think your son has two committed parents who are good friends and are modelling what good co-parenting looks like. In particular, his father is showing him the right way to treat the mother of his child. The only issue I can see arising would be if either one of you met someone else, but you say you're not really bothered right now anyway. It sounds to me like you just need a change in perspective!