Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

You know you really are not alone. You have a very different relationship ie friendship. Your child is secure and loved by both parents. I know there is something missing, but you are going to have make the decision to end this relationship to seek sex.

I was wondering this? If his libido could be investigated, would he be prepared to take shots/pills etc., perhaps try for another baby. Would you be interested in him if a sex life was on the table or has that ship sailed. It does sound as if you both enjoy parenting your child. Spending so much time together would so difficult if you didn't get on. I get why people are telling you to stay put.

However I understand, it's not just sex is it? It's all that is around it, the hugs the kisses the touching, holding hands - when one person doesn't want sex usually the tap is usually turned off for physical affection in case the other one mis-reads it as a 'sign'. It's also that feeling of rejection of or not being desired, long term that is hard to deal with. Yes, that first flush of passion fades but a sexual connection with a committed partner is a glue for some relationships.

I think you have a great set-up, there's plenty of time left for you to meet someone when your DC is older.

@Hreebchair - it is an unusual set-up, but it most certainly is not a dysfunctional or even unique one. You would be surprised, perhaps, at the number of people who have non-conventional relationships of one kind or another out there.

If you are happy with the current set up, just take it at face-value. You have a good co-parenting arrangement and are clearly friends, if not in a romantic sense. If you want to date, then do so - but it sounds like you are more worried that you ought to be dating, and somehow it is sad if you don't, rather than you actually want to just now. If that's the case, then it is absolutely fine, not to date at the moment. Things will change as your son gets a bit older, but just take things as they come, until you want to do something else. Any problems arising later can be dealt with at the time?

@Kitkatcatflap yes that feeling of physical rejection is just horrible. I felt it so much with my ex that it just turned everything off for me in the end.

This is a tough one, isn’t it? Most mothers on here would kill for a father to be as involved and stepped up the way your ex has. So you likely feel guilty that you are even thinking about rocking the boat.

The way I see it is you have a few options:

• keep everything as it is and neither of you date others, but risk being alone as you get older
• keep everything as it is but accept that changes will come if/when one of you meets someone
• consider getting back together - everything sounds ideal except for the lack of sex and if you aren’t going to get dating anyway, at least you will have a companion you’d enjoy growing old with
• talk about getting back together but with an agreement that you are able to get/have sex outside of the relationship. Strict rules and boundaries would need to be in place for this to work.

What sounds like something you would want?

Not pathetic in my opinion, if you think you can be with him minus the sex I don’t see why not? Obviously if sex is a deal breaker then it wouldn’t work. Sounds like my idea relationship as I cba with sex after 3 kids!

Sounds perfect to me. And if your child's happy, that's priceless

You should not sacrifice a sexual life if you want one - your ex has no right to make you feel bad if you meet someone. You are not together and maybe he would like an asexual exclusive arrangement but you don't have to sacrifice yourself for him. Maybe it's not the right time to be embarking on an intense relationship with someone else and of course your son must come first. However, you could still meet someone, maybe another parent who also has commitments or someone who would at least be understanding of your situation. You never know when you could meet someone so maybe take the first step psychologically of just giving yourself permission. Your ex is clearly a loving father and the boundaries should be made clear regarding his relationship with his son and the one he has with you as an accommodating co-parent.

I think you are incredibly lucky

Dysfunctional for who?
You (both) are putting your child's needs first (and yes, a child does need a financially secure mother). That's so much more functional than many marriages I know!

I don't understand what you think would change about your relationship with your ex if you were to start dating. Is the idea that a potential new boyfriend wouldn't understand what appears to be playing happy families with an ex? Because honestly I wouldn't worry about it, the good ones will understand.

The life you envisaged was in your imagination, though, not a real life that was within your grasp but you turned it down in favour of this.

At the moment your child is happy and has an attachment to both parents, and you have someone in your life who shares the joys and trials of parenthood. That is a great thing for all of you, even without an ongoing sexual relationship with the dad. It would be a lot to jeopardise.

Why not hang on with the status quo until DC is older, unless you happen to meet some wonderful man who feels the same about you and you can see a relationship with him working for your child as well as yourself?

Am I the only one who sees the dangers here? Some of the advice given is frankly bonkers.
The longer this situation continues and the older the child gets the more it becomes the norm and the harder it will be to make changes.

So many times on MN women in relationships that have split but who still expect their ex to step up are told they are "enmeshed" in their old relationship & need to move on but here everyone is telling the OP to continue enmeshing herself with a man she has split from and not to worry about it.

You want more OP, you want to find a relationship with a man who will love you, cherish you, have an intimate relationship with you and also love your son. That is perfectly understandable and perfectly possible too, it happens all the time. And you can still co-parent with your ex.

But it won't happen if you entwine yourself too much with your ex. You need to be clear with him about what you want and to set some clear boundaries too. Don't settle for less than you want and deserve, you don't have to.

Hi, sorry, I skipped a lot of posts so I don’t know if anyone has already bought this up.
You say here that your ex would never have a full sexual relationship with you, and previously that his sex drive was low to zero, I think it was.
Without being hugely indelicate you must have had some sort of sex life to have a son together.
But your libidos weren’t exactly compatible.

Has your ex ever considered that there might be something medical behind this and has he ever seen or considered seeing a doctor or specialist.
Some medications can utterly flatten your sex drive.

As others have suggested, try dating. Speed dating especially. I remember being single, when I think back I wish many times that I had stuck with being alone.

Sounds like you get on well with the ex and he sounds a good Dad. You say you’d be with him if it wasn’t for the lack of sex. Can’t you just invest in a decent rampant rabbit and be together? 😂

Sounds like a good set up if everyone is happy. Hate to be petty but bug bear of mine. You’re not a single parent you’re a Co-parent with a lot of support.

@SouthMumof2 i have actually considered this but it just seems so sad. I don’t want a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to share that with me and would rather a rampant rabbit ticked that box instead. It just doesn’t feel like love to me. But yes I’ve considered it as I know sex isn’t everything, probably feels like a bigger thing to me as it’s non existent. I know when I’ve been having regular sex I’ve been far less bothered about it!

I think this will all look very different when your child is older and more independent.

Don't settle for something you know deep down isn't right for you.

I'd also like to know if his libido has been investigated medically? It seems a shame since the only real issue here is his low libido.

Is it though?
The OP says they had a short relationship & it's long distance.
I am not sure they really know each other that well beyond parenting a child togetherv.

Everyone is coming on & talking as though they have the perfect relationship and it's "only sex" that's holding it back but I wonder how much of a relationship is there beyond the parenting aspect which is all consuming when kids are small.

I haven't read through the whole thread, but would your ex and you be open to being together with you being 'allowed' to sleep with other men?it's not something I would do personally, but do you think he'd be open to that at all?

If it is working for you just roll with it. Enjoy your time and think of the benefits for your child. It won’t be forever…. Child will grow up. You will have your chance of a relationship again at some point in the future. Just not now. I have a shitty ex who contributes nothing except harassment, hostility and stress to me for ten years. This impacts on our child despite my best efforts. I would love to have a better life circumstance. I’m free to have a relationship if I wanted but I’m continuously defending myself and fending off ex….. so I’m not in the frame of mind for a relationship. My advice is roll with it x

this. What you have is far far better than two parents who hate each other sleeping in the same bed everyday because they’re married.

your current situation may be unusual, but it works. If and when you find someone, things may change but you can navigate that appropriately at the same. Keep your options open in case you meet someone you do like, and take things from there.