Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

So from what you say if you entered into a long term commitment relationship with him both he and your ds would be very happy and contented. It would be committed, secure and content for you all.

Your ex wouldn't be compromising anything much from the sounds of it except I suppose to know you settled and ideally would like more intimacy and connection.

You on the other hand would be giving up having intimacy and desire plus feeling desired. How important are these things to you? Can you see yourself valuing everything else in the relationship enough to close yourself off to this side of a relationship.

Amicable parents certainly doesn't sound confusing or upsetting.

I would keep the relationship as it is, it's a good one.

If you meet someone with whom you would like a relationship, there's no reason why you should not have it and still keep your son's father as a close friend.

Things will change in the future at some point, ds will stay over with his dad and give you time off for dating or you'll just meet someone and that will force a change. Just don't hurry it - enjoy what you have for now. It sounds pretty functional rather than dysfunctional. I know of marriages that work far worse. Or are you desperate for another child?

I totally understand where you're coming from, and your reservations around this.

Have you ever read anything about ethical non-monogamy? Or about open relationships? It's not for everyone by any means, but I'm just wondering whether it might be worth a read/think.

The set up which you have now with this man sounds good, and the potential for a close loving relationship sounds like its there, but not the sex which would be important to me too.

I'm wondering whether some brave and potentially difficult conversations might lead to an open relationship with this man where you could be in a relationship which you seem to want, but also free to build sexual relationships elsewhere.

Given that you have a child together and seem close and loving, I'd be surprised whether he hasn't given some thought to what compromises he could make to get to a place where you felt comfortable being in a relationship with him...

This person is clearly a miserable bitter trout. Ignore and your situation sounds like it’s working well

Frankly a hell of a lot of marriages end up in "parenting but no sex" but they stay together and one or both end up cheating and causing havoc.

Atleast this way you all know what is going on. He doesnt want sex, you are not that bothered but dont want to write it off totally, and your son is happy.

The only thing I would say is that you need to talk to him about if you meet someone as that could really upset the applecart. You ex may not like it, your new bloke may not like your set up, you may not like the set up......

So a sit down chat about what would happen if either of you met someone else would be a good start. I mean, I will be honest, I am thinking "Why the hell dont you all just live together as a family on the understanding that your relationship is friends/coparents?"

The only thing that really concerns me is that you said he’d be upset if you were dating. In that sense I think you do need to have some quite firm boundaries. You are there for DS and you love DS but you are not together. Whats it like where he lives? How would you manage your job? Could you have a good life there? But you’d need to be very clear that you are in control of your own life and not indebted to him in any way.

You ex is doing much more than my ex partners ever did and they lived 15 mins away. It is very important for you DS to feel loved by you both and you are excelling atm. I think the arrangement is very mature and why worry about dating at this point One thing I always say to ppl who are not together as parents is that they are the only ones who love your child as much as you so it’s makes sense to coparent well if at all possible. The situation may change and if it does then you discuss and review. Respect for your maturity and putting your DS first.

The dictionary definition of single parent is "someone who has a child or children but no husband, wife, or partner who lives with them" so I think she is a single parent?

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/single-parent

@Hreebchair

I agree with one of the previous posters - what is stopping you from dating?

You refer to the father of your child as an ex. You have a good co-parenting relationship, but you are not a couple.
He does not think you are a couple.
You don't think you are a couple.

Why can't you date other men? If you want to date other men?
Hire a baysitter for your child, and start dating if you want to!

Honestly OP, noone gets everything they wanted in life.

It sounds like you have a happy little boy and a lovely co-parent.

Honestly in your shoes I'd probably rent my house out and move in with him. He sounds like an engaged dad.

I'd leave things as they are for now relationship wise as you keep saying you can't be bothered - in that case, have the happy coparent relationship and let your son spend more time with his dad. You'll be freer too.

If you were desperate for sex only you could get a casual relationship or string of them, and keep it absolutely out the house and away from your son and coparent.

If you were desperate for a romantic relationship then I'd say it would be worth rocking the boat- but you're not.

See how it goes - in a few years you might decide sex isn't so important and ask coparent to give a relationship a go. Or you might be gagging for a shag!

NC10125 “I'm wondering whether some brave and potentially difficult conversations might lead to an open relationship with this man where you could be in a relationship which you seem to want, but also free to build sexual relationships elsewhere.“
Please don’t do this I think it would hurt everyone involved.

I think you are in a "glass half empty " phase and you are just seeing the negatives.

Ok so at the moment you do not have a life partner but that doesn't me you never will have and you seem to have a better than average relationship with your child's dad - yes it will have problems to be navigated but you seem to be getting an awful lot right. I think you need a head wobble and to start thinking more positively.

If it works for you and you’re happy with it then it’s no one’s business whether it’s “sad” or not - it’s your life and it’s for you to live how you see fit.

I was single long term when I became a single parent and it was extremely taxing on me, stress wise. I can see why other people would opt for an arrangement that gives you some relief instead of shouldering it all on your own.

Maybe he’s asexual. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone asexual but they certainly exist.

You would probably have zero sex life if this man wasn’t in your life

Im not sure why you think he is the block?

And odd how he never wants sex again when somehow you had his child!

I was also in a similar situation. My ex was regularly coming over and we would go on holidays together. I also had reservations around this set up. He’s met someone last year and the dynamic has completely changed. My daughter, who is now 6, is unaffected by it and I actually think she has a great bond with him thanks to us all sending time together during the early years.
So enjoy while it lasts.

The first 2 sentences of your post could have been me. The rest sounds like a dream compared to my outcome. My ex left me for another woman while I was pregnant, has provided zero support of any kind and little interest in our child. Trying to get anywhere with him is really really hard and him and his now wife were nasty to me throughout my pregnancy. I wish I had the support from my ex that you do. I think you should feel like this is an excellent outcome for both you and particualarly your child.

It sounds like to me his support also gives you the time and space to meet someone else and start a romantic relationship if you want to. It sounds like he wouldn't resent this and continue to provide support. Honestly I'd love to be in your shoes!

I think that's a very limited and narrow definition. The OP's child has 2 parents who are committed financially and emotionally to him.

It’s sounds fine to me OP.
I am a single parent to 2 kids, donor conceived so no dad at all. I wasn’t motivated to date till the kids were 10 and 7. Just wasn’t interested. Then I decided the time was right, and met DP when I was 48. We’ve been happily together (although not living together till my kids leave home) for nearly 9 years. So there’s no hurry. If you don’t feel like dating now, it doesn’t mean you’ll never date again. When your son is older you’ll have more time, and he can even go and stay with his dad sometimes too.

I would set yourself some goals for improving your life satisfaction - what would that look like?
He's doing a lot of travelling and you are not getting much space - I wonder if he could come every other weekend? Gives you both a weekend away from each other.
I would look for a social or hobby activity rather than a date.
It's going to need to evolve.

That makes no sense at all? She has her child alone for longer than a single parent who shares 50/50 contact. What would you call them?

I actually think there are loads of marriages like this! Amicable for the sake of the kids, but sexless.

I wouldn't call anyone in that situation a single parent.

As a SMBC it sounds to me like you’ve got it made OP 🤣 Most of the major benefits of raising a child with a partner but without a lot of the downside like the little arguments that come from living with someone or the expectations that come with intimacy. Is sex really that important? I’m happy to wait for a relationship till my child is an adult (my DS is only slightly younger than yours), as I hate the thought of potentially introducing a new man into my child’s life. My perspective is that I choose to have DS (and really battled to have him), so the least I can do is devote as much of my time and energy to him as possible- it’s only a couple of decades out of a whole lifetime after all.