Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

I've not read all the thread...

But several things occur...

You have a decent co parenting relationship...

But he doesn't think you're now in a 'relationship'... But at the same time you think he'd be upset if he discovered you were dating???

It really does sound cake and eating it... (he's pushed you into this position in order to have some sort of financial security for you all).

BUT is there any way you can run a decent sexual relationship alongside...?? You're not seeing him all the time are you?

If he's not in a relationship with you... Does he actively ask whether you're seeing others?? Not that it should be any of his business....

I would be seeking someone else around seeing him... Just don't tell him? I mean why would you tell him??

Then you have sex /prospect of someone long term?

It won’t be for ever, your DS will grow up; for the moment it works for all of you so just go with it. Most of us live a life we didn’t expect- but accept the good and minimise the disadvantages. Honestly, life is so much harder being a single mum completely! I honestly used to think that if I could have just had a reasonable (maybe slightly dull) life with my ex then I would have stayed- it’s just so much harder completely alone! Stick with it for a while and see how things go. It sounds good for your and that’s pretty important too. It will change in time as he gets older.

I disagree with this! Admittedly you don’t have to tell him, but, I’m sure to not tell him you’d have to lie at some point. Is it worth ruining the trust and great relationship just for sex?

I thought it sounded like an ok set up until you posted this i think he would be upset if he thought I was dating.

That's not ok!

You can't live like this indefinitely OP, you are missing out. Why should you live like a nun for the next 12 years? Although you do say you're not ready for dating at the moment.

However if in the next couple of years you do fancy dating it may be too late. The relationship lines have blurred. Your DC's dad thinks of you as a family unit.

Think you have to start putting boundaries in place. Don't let the next decade just slip away. You deserve a life too.

Dysfunctional. I’m unhappily married with kids. I and I imagine my kids would love your set up. I’d love to do a Gwyneth Paltrow and “consciously uncouple”. I reckon we’d get on so much better.

Also what’s to stop you dating/meeting men on the quiet/ outside the home and then if you meet someone special/ long- term worry about it then. You’d hardly want new men in your home with your little one for a long time down the line anyway?

That to me sounds pretty good. Harmonious/stable set up with son and his dad but a bit of fun/ escapism and romance when it suits too. From my limited experience living with a partner isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I think it's wrong to advise the OP to pursue a relationship but not tell her ex.
This situation could blow apart once other people are involved, on either side.

What this needs is a very frank & honest discussion about expectations. It's not fair on the child to create what feels like a family with a mum & a dad and a very regular, predictable pattern which could then be torn apart if one person (probably the OP) meets someone else.

If both parents were fine with the no sex aspect of this then, yes, co-parenting this way long term would be fine but the fact is the OP has said she wants more & that her ex would be upset if she pursued a new relationship.
I think people need to stop telling the OP she has an ideal set up because she doesn't, it's just Ok for now while her child is young and it isn't really ideal for the OP herself who wants more from a relationship.

It will be much harder to change things the older the child gets.

@FoxInTheForest

A Co parent?

I'm with my kids dad. Don't get any alone time. Sounds like she had lots of time to herself.

Your set up sounds pretty good to me 😕

If you want to be in a relationship then I guess the solution would be to start dating unless I’ve missed something.

i think he would be upset if he thought I was dating

Why do you think that?

Is it because he's said something along those lines or because you've applied your own sensibilities to it?

Because people are jumping on that but I can't see where you've said why he would be upset.

I mean, he might wonder if he'd get to see his son less; he might wonder if the very functional and almost ideal situation you have at the moment would change from your end because you'd be the one changing the parameters of the current set up by introduciing a third person.

He'd probably feel the 6 hour distance from his son more but I can only see that happening if you got as far as living with someome or marrying them and he felt 'replaced' in his son's life. How would he even know if you were just dating?

I think your concerns about his feelings are more to do with your own thoughts about sex and relationships than his, tbh.

I actually agree with you but dating and being in a relationship are two very different things.

When my children were younger, I 'dated' but it was definitely kept away from them. I didn't have a proper relationship in which i considered the future until the youngest was a teenager.

I agree that, at the point she met someone she wanted to pursue a relationship with, she'd need to have a conversation along the lines of, "I've met someone..." but that could take forever (esp if she's relying on online dating!)

And she only 'thinks' he'd be upset. She hasn't actually said that he's told her that.

Her son's father might actually he really happy for her if she met someone else. He might be having similar thoughts himself. Not about sex himself if he isn't interested but he may well have considered the possibility of her meeting someone or assume she is already dating. Or at least that she will do when the child is older.

Yes, I guess all I am saying is that at this point the future, including the long term future, needs discussing so they both definitely knows how the other feels and what they both want and expect from their relationship.
I think without this level of clarity and honesty it could lead to upset.

I can understand why you feel like you’re missing out but tbh dating with a young child is not going to be a bed of roses. Not only do you have to find someone YOU like, fancy, respect and share values with, not only does he need to feel the same, but he’ll need to enjoy being with your child when they’re around together, your child needs to like him, you may have to factor in other children (either with him or his own from a precious relationship) and his parenting/step parenting style, any annoying/overbearing exes of his etc.

There’s a reason why even more second marriages fail than first ones. Relationships are hard enough first time round but the next ones can be fraught with even more issues.

So while dreaming of a regular 2.4 children family dynamic is making you feel that you’re missing out, it’s very unlikely that a subsequent partnership will bring you that family dynamic.

What you do have is a great coparenting relationship to support you and your child. So build on that. Your child’s dad has no right to be upset if you start dating so maybe that’s a conversation that needs to be had. But similarly a new casual relationship doesn’t need to impact on what you’re doing now.

I spend time with my DCs’ dad, we go out together for their birthdays and he has stayed here (with and without me being present) when it was helpful for the kids. I almost went on holiday with them all last year but then it got cancelled so that didn’t happen, but we have no issues being around each other for the sake of a good coparenting relationship and the benefit of our kids.

Nobody is confused, the kids have known we’re divorced since they were little. We’ve both had new relationships in that time and those partners have been understanding that we are still family (I get on better with XH’s family than my own tbh!) so they have to get on board.

My current partner has a son and he will spend time at the mum’s house with him, had Xmas dinner together with them as a family and I was with my DCs. Nobody’s nose is out of joint because we’re all clear about what’s happening. There are no lingering feelings or wishes to reconcile from any party.

As long as you’re open and honest you can have it all. Your child’s father will need to accept that if he also appreciates this set up he needs to be ok with you dating. You don’t need to be celibate. Your child is still young. But also don’t worry about growing old alone, you have loads of time to meet someone - I wasted 10 years on the wrong one after my XH, and only at 50 do I feel like I’ve met someone who truly loves me as much as I love him.

Yes, I agree.

I think I just meant that if she wanted to dip.her toe into the dating pool there'd be no harm in doing so. She doesn't need to tell him everything.

But you're absolutely right that, going forward, this does need to he a conversation so that they can thrash some of this stuff out at the hypothetical stage before anyone feels directly affected by it!

Unless you really want a sex life or a new baby soon I wouldn't bother changing anything until you do meet someone else

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.....

It sounds like, for now, things are working out pretty well for you all.

Some relationships survive with very little or no sex. I get that it's not what you aspire to, but while your son is little it may be the best of all worlds for now.

If something changes, like one of you meets someone else, reassess!

I can understand your sadness-I have a similar situation with my ex who I split up with 14 years ago. I met someone else, but he died 6 years later. My ex and I are close friends. It makes my kids happy, but I have no sex life and keep dates secret to avoid any bad vibes.

I'm getting the impresion that you are generally in a good position with an ex who is enthusiastic about being a father and who you get on with, but at the same time there is a hole in your life in the form of lack of intimacy. It is not a million miles from my situation. I have a well paid and enjoyable job, have plenty of money and a loving (but remote) family, yet through my life I have failed to attract women romantically, so at the age of 47 I am still single with almost no sexual relationship experience. I too am generally happy with my life but would like to have a special woman in it to share experiences and love.

You are younger than me with a child and whilst a young child can make dating/repationships difficult, it is still possible to meet someone new. I don't believe there is some hard coded law of nature that states you cannot find a partner once you hit 40. Problem is your beliefs can shape your reality so if you believe you won't find a partner for intimacy, you are right. If you believe you can with a bit of pro-activity, you are right. I wouldn't be concerned about what your ex thinks, if he is your ex you have freedom to date and it is none of his business, he doesn't own you. The tricky part is balancing the social life with raising your child, but I'm sure other people manage it. Do you have parents that would be willing to babysit once in a while to give you a change to put yourself out there? Ultimately you have to realise you are in control of your life from this time onward.

The way I see it, is you have a brilliant platonic co-parenting situation and if you meet the right person they will accept the situation and hopefully a new normal will work out for you all, in the same way that hopeful would occur if the Ex met someone. The needs of your child will change as he ages anyway, in the teenage years when friends become “everything” the amount he chooses to see his dad may change, and he may decide to stay with him at the weekend away from you as he won’t need you so much.

just go with it. There isn’t anything to panic or worry about imo. Just don’t rule out meeting someone because your ex still stays at yours. It’s logistics not love and the right future partner will understand that.

This is my dream right now you lucked out. If you miss seggs get on Tinder for a ONS. Focus on being a Mum one with free time. My daughter is 13 and its only now am thinking I have the emotional space for someone else or the time to give them. Tho I get you have a very hands on Baby Dad so its maybe different for you. Wonder if he would not be happy if you met someone tho you could speak about it. Also a new partner might not like the arrangement tho tough I guess as its one that puts the child at the forefront of it all and how it should be.

How about you let things stay as they are until your son goes to school, and then reevaluate.

I think a man would have a hard time joining this set-up, so if that’s what you want, phase out the sleepovers and joint holidays.

Yes it’s lovely for the child, but you do matter too. Not because you need sex, but because one day the child will be an adult and life will continue on. It’s best the child grows up with a real life rather than a fake set-up constructed for him. It’s a bit Trueman Show.

It's fine. May be consider making a go of it for your ds's sake?

Has he ever been to a doctor about the sex issues? There may be a medical reason for it.