Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

You sleep in bed together when he is there for the weekend right?

It sounds highly functional to me. Two mature adults, fond of each other with mutual respect working as a team to do what's best for their child. You are living the co parenting dream and completely smashing it. I would suggest you don't try to bend what you have to fit the shape you think it should and instead focus on creating the rest of your life around this strong core. You're both free to date and meet other people and if issues arise from that then you need to cross that bridge if you come to it.

Would he move closer? This is a pretty valid point as it seems he wants a good relationship with his son

@mindutopia thanks, you don’t think it could end up confusing or upsetting for ds then?

@H0TDAY no separate rooms

Stepfamilies and blended families are not always dysfunctional despite the casual disdain that's always bandied around on MN.

I think it's a decent situation op but it wouldn't be feasible if/when one of you starts seeing someone else.

It sounds like lovely co-parenting to me, cut yourself some slack and maybe try dating a few people in 2025. You deserve to meet someone nice who wants a sexual relationship with you. Families are built in all sorts of different ways these days and your kid will understand your normal. It’s just like being amicably divorced. Good luck! Go and have some fun! Xx

I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of…

You're really not facing life alone. You're currently just choosing a set up that offers you the ease and comfort that a lot of single parents do not benefit from.

I'm not knocking you for this, btw, at all. But, it IS an active choice on your part.

@HereForTheAnimals I don’t think he would abandon ds but I do think he would be different with me. But then I guess this is his perfect situation… companionship but no issues of lack of sex arising.

I miss sex but have often thought what would it be like if I just accepted that no more and settled into this more fully with ex ie a relationship and no sex. I think he’d be open to it.

@Crazycatlady79 i am still facing life alone though whichever way it’s arisen

DS will know he has a mum and dad who love him and are happy to spend time with him and each other as a family. That puts him at significant advantage over many children, sadly even some who's parents are in a traditional relationship. He will know no different and if he asks questions you can answer in an age appropriate way starting with "mummy and daddy are great friends who both love you"

I don't know that I'd actively start seeking a relationship at the potential expense of this one (and I know its not a sexual relationship but it is 'a relationship' and one that is important to you and your DS...).

I would have a conversation with him about 'what happens if...' in a general sense, making it clear you're not looking, but if you were to meet someone..

I think its generally best to meet people in the course of your daily life anyway, as thats how you're most likely to meet someone who fits around that lifestyle.

I don't think you're 'settling' or that what you currently have is dysfunctional, I think its very functional actually... is sex (and lets be honest it is sex and the pursuit of sex, it won't be 'a long term meaningful relationship' for quite some time if you did find someone) really worth rocking the boat for the next few years?

Why do you think you wouldn't find someone later in life once you've done the really intense bits of child rearing?

@H0TDAY no separate rooms

Ah ok good, I was thinking it might be confusing to ds otherwise.

I get that you're lovely though and want a relationship. Perhaps talk about the what ifs with him. Is there any way he would move closer? Or would you?

@Oreyt well I’m not in a relationship and I have a child. So I think that means a single parent?

Absolutely nothing @RazzleDazz1e o need for that comment. It’s a lovely post and I think quite a few people will even envy what you both have. If you’re all happy then why question it?

If it's mainly sex you miss, and not the whole "being in a sexual relationship", I'm sure it would be easy to find something very casual. No need to involve the ex, introduce him to your child or have him over your house. If I was in your situation, that's what I'd do (actually that sounds like bliss), but obviously it's not for everyone.

@H0TDAY he is always downstairs. It’s very separate but ds doesn’t seem to get that yet of course.

he would love it if i moved to him. I’ve actually thought about renting my home out, moving in with him until ds is 18. But only for an easy life which is a bit pathetic isn’t it. And that’s what stops me.

It's your choice to have both this mindset and set up.

@WiddlinDiddlin thanks this post is really direct and pretty much addresses the nub of the issue. I think part of it is that I just feel a bit of a fake. We go out and people assume we are a couple. I imagine everyone else having lots of sex and sharing pension pots etc and I have moments of thinking shit what am I doing.

Ex would love it if I moved closer to him. I expect he would allow me to move in with him if it meant he could have ds living with him. If I did that I would have to accept no sex and move several hours from my family but the flip side would be never worrying about money and having more freedom than I do now. It’s a weird situation!

Oh bless you, no I don't think you should do that all. I think, if you are worried, that you need to talk to him about the fact that you have needs, and that you'd love to continue a platonic relationship, because that is what is, but that you'll be looking for a relationship that you want. If he drops you, then he is the one that is at fault.

It sounds like the currently situation is working well for everyone, I definitely wouldn’t rock the boat. Just because you’re single now doesn’t mean you have to give it up forever! It’s just a single season for you right now.

My definition of single parent is parenting alone. Not not having a partner but I know that differs.

You could date and have sex. You don’t need to tell your ex. So if it’s just sex/desire you could have it. But in the same breath you say you can’t be bothered to go dating.

You can have a relationship with someone else if that’s what you want- I don’t see what is practically stopping you. You will have to work it around your son’s needs and his weekends like many other single parents do. And yes maybe you will have to take it slow with any new guy till DS is older but if it’s the right person they will adjust?

What you can’t magic out of thin air is libido in a man who has been honest that he doesn’t have one.

NRTFT but for comparison, my twins’ start in life was similar. Their dad though has refused to meet them (meaning at some point they’ll have to deal with parental rejection) plus he contributes fuck all financially. Your set up sounds like a dream to me!

This is a harsh and uncalled for comment? The OP sounds very mature the way they are co parenting