Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

I think you both deserve a huge amount of credit. Seriously.

I've seen cases like this, online distance relationships and a baby. If both are decent, the ultimate outcome could be as damn near fifty fifty.

So you school, him holidays. You meet him half way. Every holiday, every long weekend.

He has proven himself to be a wonderful, dedicated father.

In terms of your personal life, child is young, things can change. You could meet someone and spend your weekends there.

However, and I always look at the end line position, there is no reason why child could not be away with him more often.

Try and write out a plan.

What keeps you where you are

How easy is work to move

Etc.

He has shown a serious commitment whatever else happens so there is no reason to think that would not continue if a new partner came along, for either of you.

Sounds to me like you’re incredibly lucky and have the best of both worlds! Financial security and a co parent who pulls his weight and is great dad to your kid - but you can also go out and date whoever you want. Most would kill for your situation, I don’t see the problem?

Having children means we all give up things. I give up freedom; I don’t have as much time to myself as you do, although I have sex.

Your child is 3. You’re not saying no sex forever are you, you can easily start dating again in 7 years, for example, and find the love of your life. Even better, you’ll be at the age where your partner is less likely to have little children themselves and all that goes along with blending young families and the impact on little people.

I think you have it good. But most importantly, your son has it good. He didn’t ask for this situation, he’s lucked out and I would do all I can to preserve it.

Your DS is still a baby. You have it all. Just go with the flow and appreciate what you've got. Once DS is older who knows what will happen?

Sex is really important and can be great but sometimes it’s difficult to get that and a good, kind and caring partner. You may find lots of sex online that never develops into a meaningful relationship. Yes you could be alone when you are older but you could potentially have love and affection (without the sex) from this man. The set up just now seems really good. Do you have feelings for him? If sex wasn’t an issue do you think you would be in a good strong relationship?

There are plenty of sexless marriages, you sound like you get on better than many marrieds!

I suggest you actually marry this man

I think you have an amazing set up and your little boy is so lucky to have 2 committed parents who can be the presence of each other. I know your little boy is 3 but he is still a baby at the minute. I personally would not put the relationship you have with his dad at risk because you want some sex. I know that probably sounds really harsh but when your kids are little they really should come first. I have a friend who split up with her partner because their sex life dwindled after having kids. She moved on and he checked out. Her kids only see their dad once a week, they can’t be in the same room together. It’s so sad to see their kids at birthday parties and not have both their parents there.

When you become a parent, you take on the responsibility and as much as you deserve to be happy and live the life you want, it shouldn’t be at the expense of your child. Think of him in 20 years time, when he has a fantastic relationship with his dad despite the distance between them, when he can invite both of his parents to his wedding and not worry about if someone’s going to start a argument or get offended. That’s what every parent wants.

im not saying you should never date, but I would definitely be waiting until he is older before doing so if you think it’s going to impact his relationship with his dad. There are plenty of other things you can buy to satisfy your needs in that department if you are really missing it.

"is sex (and lets be honest it is sex and the pursuit of sex, it won't be 'a long term meaningful relationship' for quite some time if you did find someone) really worth rocking the boat for the next few years?"

I think OP might be looking for LOVE actually i.e. a relationship that offers both love and lust. And why not? It's what most people want.

It sounds like you are both mature adults. I think it would be wise to discuss with the father of your son, what life would look like if either of you hypothetically met someone and go from there. I am sure you can still find a way to be amicable and have a financial agreement to support son without giving up all hope of love and sex. Best of luck OP.

I don't think it's fake, I think you've put DS first and are making this work big time together for him which is lovely. Yes it might be an awkward set up if you had a new partner, but there are so many factors that would affect this:

• where your new partner lives (could you live at his on the weekends EX was at yours with DS?)
• has your knew partner got a child/children who need care? Where do they live/with whom/when?

There is no-point setting up something that might work better with a future partner who might never exist, instead of something that works well now.

Why do you have to give those things up?

It’s not dysfunctional. Ex has just left my place after spending Christmas with us. We’re both free to see other people if we chose to. My friend’s ex step dad has just spent Christmas with her mum and mum’s DH.

You can be platonic friends and co-parents?

The 'grow up' was harsh, but I think the poster meant that it is very silly to even consider doing anything to rock the boat when you have such a good co-parenting arrangement.

I think this sounds a great compromise for your child but I also understand that you might not find it totally fulfilling as a relationship for you and that matters too.

I would not rule out looking to meet someone who you can have a proper passionate connection with - you aren't being selfish to want this and don't let anyone tell you that you are. The two things can co exist if you stay open and kind with each other.

Only you know if it's enough as it is - if so well that's great. I don't have a conventional set up either and some elements of it are brilliant and some aren't.

You will have an independent life once your child grows up and I don't think everything else needs to be on hold until that point for you to be a great parent.

There are a million lives out there you're not living, just like the rest of us. You at least have the satisfaction of knowing you are living the life that puts your son first, which is what every parent should be doing (yet so many don't).

Being single is not the same as being alone.

Why is it dysfunctional? Everyone's happy.

There is no perfect family model.

If you can’t be bothered to date, then this situation isn’t stopping you. You could easily date if you choose to.

I would prioritise your child for now and enjoy dating if you want to. Things will change in time anyway. So stay flexible.

Would you be interested in just being co-habitators/co-parents/friends? Do you want another partner? Your set up isn't too bad imo. Maybe others would disagree. It depends on what you really want.

You keep using words like 'sad' and 'pathetic'- are you worried about other people judging you for the situation?

If it helps, I don't think it sounds at all sad or pathetic.

Him staying overnight at yours is convenient for now, but not good for the future. The sooner that changes the better, whilst your DS is still very young. Soon DS will start asking questions, and may be confused. DS may also be very upset if the arrangement later changes.

As the father is reasonably well-off, the ideal solution would be for him to rent a caravan, or even a bedsit, in your area on a permanent basis, to take your DS there on his overnights.
As others have said, he needs to be a full-on parent, not just a fun visitor in your space whilst you still do all the actual parenting, and he can only do that if he takes DS into his own space without you being there.

That would mean you are free to date again anytime, without the blurred boundaries of him staying at yours.

I think it's a bit of a mad situation really, in that you've ended the relationship with your child's father (thus ending the security for both DS and you of a nuclear family which could presumably have included marriage) because you weren't happy with the frequency of sex, only to now be in a situation with no sex and unable to seek sex elsewhere without jeopardising the generosity you receive from your co-parent.

Surely this is the worst of both worlds? Yes OK you benefit financially and materially from the current setup, but there's no security in it.

I think your set up sounds great now but I think if you are going to want more from a relationship in the future you need to discuss this with your ex.

The danger is that he settles in to this style of relationship because maybe it suits him & thinks it is for ever & then he will be knocked for six when you decide to move on - which would obviously affect your child.

Also I am wondering if many men could handle you having a set up like this & be happy to have a relationship with you so you might be limiting yourself?
Plus dating will get harder the older you are.

On balance I think there are definite benefits to your set up but I do think you need to both be on the same page regarding what the future looks like. And you need to think hard about what you really want.

Putting your child first is great & admirable but children grow up & leave and, while it doesn't feel like it now, the years fly by so quickly. Don't wake up one day and regret the choices you are making now.

You quite obviously are not a single parent. That's insulting to your child's partner and the many, many women who are single parents.

Think of it as co parenting as friends. It doesn't sound like a romantic relationship. It's a platonic friendship.

You are therefore free to meet a romantic partner or find a fwb