Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

I feel like he doesn't have much of a right to feel upset though, you both want different things, he has to accept if you want to move on
Perhaps it's not worth worrying about too much unless you start actively dating, or meet someone unexpectedly. But when the time comes he must accept it

Sounds like this isn’t preventing you doing anything you want. It’s an excuse. What DO you want? So sex? You can get that easily. Sex with a committed partner you live with? Go dating then and try and find someone.

Get a babysitter in the week as you would do if ex wasn’t around: Go out without him while he’s there at weekends. Your son will miss you but he would do whoever was looking after him.

You've been pretty lucky really.

To be honest, it sounds like you are doing a great job. If you meet someone you like romantically, worry about it then. I don't see why you need to change what is working well on 'ifs' or 'maybes'

Why don't you tell him you are looking for a partner eventually so he can wrap his head around that before it happens?

It might be good to talk through the "what ifs" together OP

It sounds like a good arrangement to me.

You mentioned worry about ending up alone. Sadly, with even the most devoted couples one ends up alone in the end.

Have you spoken to him about the fact you might one day want to meet a life partner?

I think this nails it.

Start making plans when ex comes so he is “parenting” and you get some space to go out, date, go for a spa, overnight in a nice hotel. Define the boundaries a bit - you can still join them for holidays and the odd day out, especially as DS is very small. But start making it clear that the reason ex is coming is to parent his son.

This will help massively in the long term as DS gets older and is able to start going to Dads a bit more.

You have a child and financial security- quite by accident it seems. Accept your good fortune and grow up

Honestly? I agree with this. It's not to be sniffed at. You seem to get on. Passion isn't everything and often fizzles out.

Oh my god, you can't seriously be thinking of changing this set up in any way, surely??? I know I don't know your life but it sounds as though you've hit the jackpot in terms of the nature of the child's father. Why on earth would you want to sabotage this in any way?

Sounds ideal to me but my dream is a platonic companion rather than a husband / boyfriend

You have time on the weekend to go on dates, could stay at theirs, have them to stay at yours during the week.

If it aint broke, don't fix it.
Cross that bridge if and when you get there.
Once you have a child, your life is not your own.
Prioritise the child you chose to bring into this world.

I don't think it's dysfunctional at all. Literally two people have had a child, who they both absolutely adore, but they have realised they weren't meant to be together.

How does that stop you from having the relationship you desire?

Personally I could stay with someone and never have sex again, but I know that isn't realistic for everyone. Do you think he will abandon you and your son if you start seeing someone else?

Why do you think he would object to you dating?

which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent).

I wouldn't say you are a single parent?

I don’t think it seems dysfunctional at all. You seem like two mature adults who co-parent well together. My parents were married and divorced and would stay over at each other’s houses somewhat regularly so I could be with them both. And we took holidays together. It was fine and not confusing or weird at all. So much better than my friends who got shuttled back and forth between parents who hated each other and wouldn’t speak. It sounds like a very sensible set up and gives you time for yourself and he probably has more quality time with ds than a lot of dads who actually live with their dc full time. Obviously if you want to date or want your space on the weekends, then you may need to consider a different arrangement, but it’s certainly not dysfunctional.

How is this dysfunctional? You are both civilised and kind. Your child feels secure and happy. Win, win.

Also I don't know what sex has to do with this?

By the sounds of it for sex. 🙄

I think it seems like a good arrangement actually. Good for you, the dad and your son. It’s not dysfunctional and as you’ve said things can change naturally over time: if anything this should help rather than hinder you in terms of dating. Your son is still quite young, don’t get panicky and I think you’ll be fine in the end.

@strawberrysea i mean he’s not perfect, we do have a row every so often! He can be irritating but no more than an actual partner and he pretty much will do the right thing when the chips are down. I suppose I just feel a bit sad that my imagined future with a husband etc isn’t actually what has happened

That's what FWB are for...

Not at all, I’m not sure for the poster’s rudeness. Some resentment perhaps?

I think it’s perfectly fine even if it is unusual. Would you want more kids? would you have another with him or want someone else? If not and the door to more children is closed then.. relax. Honestly, your son will grow up. He will have more time away from you, you’ll have more time to attend to hobbies and other social events where you might meet someone just as you would if your ex was crappy. That will change and will happen at its own pace. The young years are hard, most of us just get through them.

@Oreyt well in my past relationships sex has always featured so it’s relevant in that I’m not getting back out there as I’m happy with the situation as it is but then by default I’m giving up sex

It's unusual. If only he lived closer everything would be easier. Sorry not helpful!