Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this

[Hreebchair]

Pregnant with ds after a short relationship which did not last. We were long distance and I chose to have the baby (i was 35 at the time). Ex has stepped up financially and due to distance sees ds every weekend (takes a day off in the week for his own personal life balance). At weekends he travels 6 hours each way to see ds and has stayed over in the early days to help with sleepless nights (giving me a night off a week, essentially).

There’s nothing between us and never will be. One of the man reasons things ended was it became quickly apparent that he has next to zero sex drive and has openly admitted to me that he had only slept with one woman before me and has no interest in sex. We get on very well and I probably would have given things a real go if that side to it was good… and this is part of the issue.

Ds is now 3 and loves seeing his dad. As I do all childcare around my work in the week ex effectively gives me the weekend off. He will also shop for me during this time and get ds extra things he needs etc. He has a lot of money so not really a stretch for him. If I want to join them at a weekend he’s happy for me to meet for lunch and he pays. In September he paid for a trip to France for us which ds loved and ex recognises ds misses me if away too long so suggested I came too. I had lots of time to myself during the trip. I have it pretty good I think. But… at almost 40 I find it very sad that I am facing life alone, sort of… I miss sex but not massively. In a weird way it’s like we are in a casual relationship with no sex but a massively easy life in terms of practicalities and finances. Ex doesn’t think we are together before anyone suggests that.

If I start putting a boundary in place and say he can’t stay over it will impact ds as ds sees that as the night daddy stays. It would also inevitably cause a bit of friction and I’m quite sure he wouldn’t be so generous financially (which admittedly makes a huge difference to my life and the stress as a single parent). As a result so far I have carried on as things are.

but I know it’s dysfunctional. He could feasibly meet someone but I can’t see it happening in the same way I just can’t really be bothered either. Of course things could change down the line but is this actually quite sad? Do I need a wake up call? I’m aware is dysfunctional but it also works in a strange way.

I think you're confusing the term single parent with lone parent.
Single parent is a parent who isn't in a relationship. Lone parent is a parent who is bringing their child up without input from the other parent.

You’re confusing single parents with lone parents

I'd be really worried about him trapping you away from your family/friend network.

He gets everything he wants and you end up isolated and dependent on him so you are less likely to leave.

Your gut is telling you to avoid a trap.

And that's fine - but you have a different definition of single parent to the dictionary. So it's probably fair for the OP to describe herself as one, given that most people use the dictionary definitions of words, rather than other definitions that aren't in the dictionary.

As a child of divorced parents who hate(d) each other and still don't speak and won't be in the same room (even 25 years later!) I would have much preferred a set up like you have! It would have been way less sad and less anxiety provoking. Also, in terms of confusing, I still find confusing how my parents had 4 kids while they've hated each other for as long as I remember. It would have been way less confusing to be a child in a situation like yours.

I don’t think it sounds sad.

Your life and co-parenting relationship/ friendship is happy - far better than most single mums, or even wives.

Just because something is not conventional doesn’t make it sad.

Also, if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.

If you were willing to move near him why couldn't you both look properties near each other (within easy walking distance)?
Would allow you dc to have 50/50 and you to have some sort of private life

Firstly I think there’s probably a lot of parents of very small children who aren’t having a lot of sex even if they are together 😂 (if people are then lucky you!)

If ex is clear on his feelings about sex but is keen on a relationship, would non-monogamy be an option? If all you are missing is sex would be be prepared for you to look elsewhere for that? If I was single right now I couldn’t be bothered with trying to build a relationship as well as care for my child & co parent, I’d probably just want a bit of intimacy and an adult to go for dinner with from time to time!

Can you not date when your ds is with his father or get a sitter during the week and date?

If your relationship with him wasn’t enough I think you probably know the answer. But maybe it’s changed. Could you live together and be happy without the sexual side forever. It sounds more like a friendship. Currently it works. But I know from co parenting myself it changed when a new partner came on the scene and she didn’t like ex doing certain things at my house/with me or the kids together. He gave in to that. So if you or him meet someone new will it work. Explaining ex is at your house etc. You could talk to him and see where he is at. Or you could have the if we meet someone new conversation and see how he feels. Well done as it sounds like you parent together well which isn’t always easy.

Modern families come in all shapes and sizes! If this arrangement works for you and everyone is happy, crack on! Personally, I think it sounds wonderful. Worry about the "what ifs" if and when they occur.

UK divorce rate is 50%, companionship in old age is not guaranteed for anyone. And don’t know about you but most of my friends in relationships wilho have small kids have rubbish if not non existent sex lives.

you’re missing nothing right now. Enjoy the co parenting harmony and financial security and be proud of what a nice environment your son is growing up in. And buy yourself some grade A sex toys. Your life sounds close to perfect 🤩✊

This.
You definitely need to think about how this would work if either of you get a new partner. You have already said you think he wouldn't like it so I think you need to explore that more & discuss it openly.
As a pp said, you could be trapping yourself here, OP.

Tbh, i'm quite surprised by the number of people who think the compromises you are suggesting here are fine & not potentially problematic in the long run.

Has your ex ever investigated the cause of his lack of libido? Would he be prepared to go down that route in order for you to give the relationship a try?

Why does someone have to comment grow up on every thread?! It’s ironically such an immature comment. If you don’t like it, just maturely skip past.

Sounds good, DS comes first. Sex is no big deal.

Does he want a relationship?

Do you think you could work on the sex things?

It sounds like a very good basis for a relationship.

If you moved in with him and rented out your house, could you move your job easily? 6 hours is a long way.

Do you think you would like another child at some stage? I'm guessing you are 38/39 now, so if that is something you'd like, you may need to think more seriously about dating. That's probably the only reason to potentially rock the boat right now. I fear you are selling yourself short if you settle into a more formal relationship with a man who has no desire to have sex with you, so I wouldn't encourage that. As others have said I would be testing the dating waters, see how you feel about it, without broaching the subject with him in the first instance. You don't really need to say anything to him until you meet someone you may actually like. Thinking about the 6 hours travel each way, that's like Bristol to Edinburgh, your child is never going to be able to go down to see him for weekend in term time. School holidays of course when he can stay for longer, but this guy is going to be coming up to visit his child at weekends for years to come. What you really need is a granny flat, somewhere he can stay every weekend with the child that's not directly in your home!

Your son is happy, you get on well with his father, you're financially stable ... it seems like an excellent set up. You keep on talking about sex in your posts, not just that you're not getting any, but that other people assume you are. So what? If sex is a really big deal for you, then think about other set ups that would work for your family. They're all probably going to involve waiting a bit in any case because serious dating with a 3 year old is going to be difficult. So you have time to plan how you want your long term future to go. But if all you're worried about is that strangers probably think you're sexually active when you're not (and you're otherwise happy with your situation) then it's really not an issue.

You keep saying you miss sex but can’t really be bothered pursuing a relationship. Have you heard of Cindy Gallop? She is an older lady that purposely dates younger men just for fun and sex. If it is just the sex you miss can you not just go on some fun fates with younger men for no strings attached sex at your convenience?!

and as to your other comment about life not panning out, you could have met the man of your dreams and married him but then been unable to have a child. Or had a child with someone that turned out to be a deadbeat. Your son sounds great and your ex in many ways an ideal ex

I don't think it's confusing for your DS and I don't thin' it's dysfunctional. Your DS is only 3 as he gets older he will spend time at his Dads and you can have time to date and do,things for yourself. The fact that you and your ex can coparent so well is really admirable.

Your son is still little. Enjoy what you have and be patient. Once he is older you will be able to date if you want.

I have a long term friend who has T1 Diabetes who has never had a desire for sex, its a common side effect of the condition. As he says, what you've never had, you never miss.

So why would he want to fix a problem that he doesnt have?

I think your situation is fine for now while your son is still little. It's a very good thing for your child to see you having an amicable relationship and obviously his dad cares a great deal about being there and taking care of his son. So I wouldn't worry for now.

You might well want to meet someone and have a new relationship at some point in the future, especially as your son gets older and has his own friends and social life. Can you perhaps initiate a conversation with your ex about what he sees the future looking like if he or you met someone and started a new relationship? Tell him you're not thinking about dating now while your child is young but you are thinking about the future and not wanting to be single forever? At least then you can gauge his reaction and see what he thinks about your situation going forward.

My BIL still lives with his ex wife. And that relationship ended almost six years ago. This hasn't stopped him having a four year long relationship with another women, who coincidentally still lives with her ex husband. Both sides have this arrangement due to finances, and the woman also has younger kids (my BIL has older children but they are still at home). It all seems to be amicable with no grief from the exes either. How the kids feel about I don't know and how they do the sex side I have no idea either..
All I mean is having your child's father stay overnight or even live you need not be a barrier to another relationship. Your child will some day understand that his parents do not have a conventional relationship. Whether you decide whether or not to pursue a new relationship is down to you, not your living arrangements.

This doesn't have to be the forever set up. It's just a set up that's working for you all at the moment. You're just starting to come out of the baby/toddler years and are lifting your head up above the parapet to find your next chapter, which I don't think will be with your Ex, You want a loving committed relationship that includes sex and he can't offer you that.

When you're ready, spread your wings and start to go on some dates and build yourself back into 'you' not 'mum' or 'coparenting partner'.

Don't settle for your Ex. He's not the partner you need to be 'you'. You're very young to be giving up on being truly happy. You don't have to choose between what you have now or an agreed sexless relationship with your Ex. There are plenty of other options. It sounds like you're getting ready for your next chapter... so go and get it!

Good luck OP, you sound lovely and you deserve to be happy.