Mum is blocking my 2yo’s invites to play dates

[SerialLurker997]

Hey guys. Can’t believe I’m 30 years of age and posting this as I thought left the playground behind a long time ago. Long story short, three other mums and I have been for a couple of breakfasts after the school run. I knew two of the mums pretty well but another mum A not so much.

I have been for play dates at mum B’s house and met mum C socially as our husbands seem to get on well. Mum A didn’t seem interested in knowing me, but I didn’t think much of this. We’re busy, right?

Anyway, mum B has not spoken to me for a month out of the blue, quite suddenly after saying she thought I was such a good friend for offering to help her manage after surgery. Mum C tells me that I’ve also been left out of playdates organised by A and B, which has now escalated to a soft play thing attended by most of their little school.

C also tells me that B said A isn’t fond of me, so that’s why I wasn’t invited, and she apparently pulled a face when my name came up.

I’M pretty shocked, as I honestly haven’t even had enough contact with her beyond the initial politeness to offend her. But her not liking me for some arbitrary reason is one thing. My son missing these dates because he’s being deliberately blocked by her is something else.

i’m livid. I can’t understand how a mum can be so horrible that she’s leaving out a two year old little boy who would have loved to see his friends over the holidays. I don’t understand how mum B thinks this is fine and has now dropped too. I don’t know the other mums well enough for play dates, but mum C had a bit of an altercation with them over it and now feels sidelined too.

i don’t know how to handle it. My first instinct is to bowl over there as soon as I see them next week, but am wondering if this is unreasonable. I think It’s outrageous. It’s bitchy. And what’s the reason for it, when we are going to see each other most days for the next two years at least???

Why do people do this??? Haven’t we all
got enough to contend with? What do you guys think?

Meh. I think this is fairly standard playground politics tbh.
Barrelling over will not only iron-clad you never getting another invite from them, but presumably word will then be spread that @SerialLurker997 is a bit unhinged and kicked off over a playdate, and then you'll lose even MORE friends/playdates for your DC.

It's the long game. Presumably you'll be in each others lives for another 10 years or so. She doesn't have to like you, and vice versa. Mum B had to choose between a friendship with A or with you, and has made her decision. Just smile and nod, accept you're not getting invites from them any more, and make friends elsewhere. (And swear a lot about them at home away from little ears 😂)

I think that:

A) assuming by "bowl over there" you mean have a go at them about it - what will this achieve do you think? If what you're being told is true, do you think this will do anything other than confirm in their minds they're right to cut you of things (and by extension your son)?

B) you only know from mum C that this is happening/why this is happening. You've got to question her motives and why she is choosing to cause drama by passing this onto you. Presumably she is also a classmates mum? So for the "whole class" thing she could have in it'd you herself, or pointed out directly to these two that they've missed you off by accident, but don't worry I've invited them <<tinkly laugh>>. But instead she let it happen and just bitched about it to you?

So given you don't know for sure this is even true, and if it is, you're not going to change their minds - just be pleasant and polite, build relationships with the other class mums and keep inviting their kids to plenty of things. Then it won't matter even if it is true, and if its not true, it's moot anyway!

Keep all at arms length.
A doesn't like you. B seems to prefer A. C is stirring the drama by telling you all this.
If you chose to continue friendships I would not mention A or engage in any conversation that she is brought into, besides - that sounds nice, good on them, and change conversation.
Good luck navigating the play ground dramas

That's awful!!

I would write a text to mum B personally, perhaps in a group with C to ask what the problem is. Or ask face to face calmly - as much as it would feel good to kick off!

If they are play dates, it's about the children so I don't see why they are behaving like this. Nice that C has your back though and standing up for what seems like bullying/excluding others on no basis whatsoever.

You could be really extra and go over and offer a playdate for all children with mum C to help and say I know you aren't keen on me so you don't have to come and stay but I don't want your child to miss out. Point proven

I am not the better with conflict resolution I usually just go silent haha so I could be all wrong

Mum C is a stirrer. Mum A doesn't have to like you. Don't be "livid". Plenty more fish in the sea.

Haha, thanks for your reply. I do feel unhinged to be fair because I think it’s pretty nasty behaviour and it’s my first experience of it in this context. i wouldn’t mind if it was just me, but my son?!! If I’m honest, I don’t even want to breathe the same air as them right now, Nevermind get an invite.

It’s a shame that this is standard playground stuff!! They’re only in nursery school and I’ll be moving him to pre prep in a couple of years, so there’s that 😅

Playground politics. You'll always get the one who wants to be chief organiser that has everyone calling her fir times and dates & likes the control of being able to choose who comes. Gravitate towards people who do include you instead.

I'd be wary of C tbh.
More often than not when this sort of thing goes on, the person dripping poison in other people's ears is the one acting like they're your only friend.

I'd move on from them and focus on making other friends. Go to different baby groups etc.
But if you feel like you need to say something then the best thing to do is say hi, I've noticed x, I'm worried I've inadvertently offended you, I'd love to sort it out, etc etc. All that social smoothing bullshit people like to do. If C is, as I suspect, in the middle of this, then you have to play it extra nice and kind, to be the opposite of whatever is being said about you.

But, to me, that's needlessly complicated (although socially normal) and I'd just bin the lot of them and trawl all the mum and me / stay and play/ church play sessions instead and start again.

Thanks for your reply. Haha no, I think I was being hyperbolic, I’d probably just go and ask for some clarification.

Actually mum C is a friend of mine now, and the others had a huge go at her when she tried to invite me (so many more details like this too but didn’t want to make the post too long). And it makes sense; mum B has suddenly ghosted me for a month!

it’s interesting how you guys are giving such different perspectives to the people around me, so that’s why this forum is so valuable.

I'd be very very wary of Mum C.

We’ve got some bitches in our year group at school this reminds me of. I just leave them to it. No time in my life for that drama and if they’re like that, I wouldn’t want to spend time with them anyway.

It’s hurtful, and annoying, but A doesn’t have to like you, she doesn’t have to invite you over.
invite people to yours and stretch out to others.

This.

Don't involve yourself, also don't message or confront them about this. Yes it is mean but no one is entitled to be invited to anything and complaining about it would just give A and B ammunition to turn this into a bigger issue.

The best way to eliminate playground politics is not to play along with it.

i wouldn’t give this a second thought. Two year olds don’t need playdates and have only the scantest interest in one another. You already have your own friends, right? If you meet people you get with via nursery or school, it’s a nice bonus.

I would put it out there on the larger parent's WhatsApp that mum C is a nasty piece of work

It’s so weird that people have enough time to actively dislike others, unless that person has been offensive.

I like this summary and reply, thanks!

The thing is , when kids are little, their friends tend to be your friends' kids ime. I would look towards other playdates and not react. I agree mum c isn't helping by repeating these things.

I love how people are blaming mum C when A and B are being absolute bitches. I'd start a new soft play group and exclude them.

No she is blocking your invitation to coffee dates.

At 2 this is not really about your toddler. These are coffee dates while the kids do a little play. She doesn’t want to spend her time with you , ( she’s allowed to chose) . C is a stirrer but at least you know not to bother with A any more

Practise the let them theory.... let them carry in, just rake a massive step back and focus on something else.they will move on and their games will continue

Let them and find your peace

Oh! @SerialLurker997 can I ask if they know he's headed for a private school/not the local primary? That may have something to do with it.

DS was at a lovely nursery, small village where almost everyone was headed to the local primary. I was considering private (actually I was pretty sure) and when 'word got out' we did get dropped by a few families for playdates - I figured they didn't want to put the energy into a friendship that wouldn't continue through primary. Though at the end of it all, we DID go with the local state school and now have lots of lovely awkward play dates 😂

Thank you - this is pretty much how I feel about it too! Mum C didn’t have to get in so much conflict over me but she’s sent me screenshots of these mums literally having such a go at her over message.

I always thought play dates were about the children too - don’t really understand what i have to do with it, especially in a big setting where many mums are going.

It’s a great idea, but given they’re all still pretty young and in nappies I couldn’t have them over without their mums 🥱 maybe I should just count my lucky stars I have one nice friend out of three - that’s good going, right?! I don’t have many friends around here as we’ve moved around a lot for my husband’s work, so it actually means a lot to me that I have her now. Her whole family is lovely too.

C is instigating drama by telling the OP she's "heard that" A and/or B doesn't like her. No need. It's OK not to like someone, doesn't make them "bitches."

Really! This is so disappointing honestly. How weird, I just assumed everyone was too busy for this stuff.