Mum is blocking my 2yo’s invites to play dates

[SerialLurker997]

Hey guys. Can’t believe I’m 30 years of age and posting this as I thought left the playground behind a long time ago. Long story short, three other mums and I have been for a couple of breakfasts after the school run. I knew two of the mums pretty well but another mum A not so much.

I have been for play dates at mum B’s house and met mum C socially as our husbands seem to get on well. Mum A didn’t seem interested in knowing me, but I didn’t think much of this. We’re busy, right?

Anyway, mum B has not spoken to me for a month out of the blue, quite suddenly after saying she thought I was such a good friend for offering to help her manage after surgery. Mum C tells me that I’ve also been left out of playdates organised by A and B, which has now escalated to a soft play thing attended by most of their little school.

C also tells me that B said A isn’t fond of me, so that’s why I wasn’t invited, and she apparently pulled a face when my name came up.

I’M pretty shocked, as I honestly haven’t even had enough contact with her beyond the initial politeness to offend her. But her not liking me for some arbitrary reason is one thing. My son missing these dates because he’s being deliberately blocked by her is something else.

i’m livid. I can’t understand how a mum can be so horrible that she’s leaving out a two year old little boy who would have loved to see his friends over the holidays. I don’t understand how mum B thinks this is fine and has now dropped too. I don’t know the other mums well enough for play dates, but mum C had a bit of an altercation with them over it and now feels sidelined too.

i don’t know how to handle it. My first instinct is to bowl over there as soon as I see them next week, but am wondering if this is unreasonable. I think It’s outrageous. It’s bitchy. And what’s the reason for it, when we are going to see each other most days for the next two years at least???

Why do people do this??? Haven’t we all
got enough to contend with? What do you guys think?

Thank you! This has resonated as I’ve been shocked too (also at how many mums on here who aren’t surprised). Your approach sounds great

Because you’re behaving as if your toddler is a much older child who is being isolated socially at school because some parents don’t get on. In fact you’re making a particularly drama-fuelled storm in a teacup about a two year old who wouldn’t notice whether or not he was playing with other two year olds.

one of the first things OP said was that at 30 she thought she had left the playground behind.

As a 60 something retired psychotherapist I can confidently say that we NEVER leave the playground behind. We carry it with us though life.

The infighting and jealousies, manipulations, exclusions, intense connections and hurt feelings stay with us forever. You can see these behaviours every day in any group of people of any age. Sports clubs, work environments, friendship groups, families, in-law, residents associations, political groups, care homes. It's everywhere.

What can change as we get older is our attitude to all this. Experience and developing a wider circle personally and professionally generally makes it easier to have some perspective. Something might sting or hurt but after the initial raw response we can understand that it isn't all about us and move on. Once in while something monumental might happen that we can't move on from on but happily these don't happen often.

I actually disagree with the first part; the school has lower forms from 2+ and then just runs all the way through to 18+, so it’s different to just a nursery.

I don’t have insecurities from school actually, as I said before I didn’t really experience this stuff, I had a nice time at school. I’m not sure why other mum’s bad behaviour is being projected back on to me.

My question was more am I being unreasonable for confronting them, which the vibe seems like no but also best not to.

This is so insightful and I really appreciate it thank you

Mum C is stirring things up though. She could be making things up to A and B about the OP and vice versa. The whole thing is pathetic.

You say you're moving your DC to private school next. It might be that. People with children in the state system CAN take issue with people who educate their children privately. (Not always, obviously.) I've experienced similar.

So we shouldn’t exclude kids because they don’t know they’re being excluded? I don’t live my life like that, thanks

As the school runs from 2 to 18, they are almost certainly already at a private school.

Okay guys I really am stepping back now, especially as some of the responses are getting kind of rude and petty for no reason - I just asked what you guys thought as someone new to this kind of situation.

Thanks to the majority of you 🙏

OP you have described the exact reason I never became involved in school mum cliques.There is always somebody who will feel hurt & left out,especially if they don't gel with the whole group.I allowed my children to make their own school friends rather than enforce friendships upon them just because I got on with their mothers. My close friends had children around the same age so they never went short of pre-school company when we got together.

Yes this is right they are. A lot of the mums just talk about trying to get their kids into ‘better’ schools

Hold on, so when you said the entire school was invited, that was nonsense, wasn't it? No one's inviting 18 year olds to soft play!

The fact is, your child is of Nursery age. At 2, most toddlers struggle to name who they play with! My grandchildren never went on ‘play dates’ with other children from nursery, and the eldest only started to do so once he started in Reception. But then again, most of my peers grandchildren go to nursery because their parents have jobs and dont have time to swan around having coffee meetings with other mums.
Once mat leave finishes, most parents return to work in the real world.

They sound pathetic and tedious.

Your boy is only 2, he's not old enough to make his own friends yet. Make some new friends for him whose parents aren't insane.

I'd be making efforts to move away from this group. I've witnessed this type of behaviour and as much as it feels juvenile being part of it, it does hurt. I've found friendships I've made through my children to be the most flaky. If you want to continue to meet with them for your child to have playdates, then just see it for what it's is and mentally disassociate from them. But personally I wouldn't want to waste my time hanging around someone who I knew didn't like me.

I mean the ‘pre school’, which kind of functions as its own entity. it’s the terminology. Better to ask questions that to accuse nonsense isn’t it?

This I should do this 🥱 thank you

Set up your own better clique. Success is the best revenge. Do not say anything negative or go round there.

True! Great perspective!

Yeah, right! it’s so dumb so why does it hurt? I don’t want to be near them now but am just a bit shocked at how vicious they’ve been in disliking me all of a sudden

I just wonder if there’s some jealousy from A and B sounds a weak, grovelling type who has dropped you in order to cosy up to A.

Ignore, stick with C, make other friends and find other play dates for the little ones. Just forget them - they are poison, don’t drink it.

It's the terminology

You're the one who has repeatedly referred to it as a school and used the phrase 'entire school', while accusing posters who pointed out this is incorrect of being petty. You can't have it both ways.

Sadly some parents regress to the age that their children are and start playground politics and nastiness.

You’ve had some advice about now. As for the future, firstly I would try to send your dc to a school other than the one A sends her dc to. Secondly, you have an advantage with an older child. For reception year, do a whole class party and get to know some mums there.

FFS people, C is the good guy here!!! 🙄

OP has said she is a good friend now, outside of the school setting, and has shown OP proof of A and B's messages moaning at her for sticking up for OP.