Mum is blocking my 2yo’s invites to play dates

[SerialLurker997]

Hey guys. Can’t believe I’m 30 years of age and posting this as I thought left the playground behind a long time ago. Long story short, three other mums and I have been for a couple of breakfasts after the school run. I knew two of the mums pretty well but another mum A not so much.

I have been for play dates at mum B’s house and met mum C socially as our husbands seem to get on well. Mum A didn’t seem interested in knowing me, but I didn’t think much of this. We’re busy, right?

Anyway, mum B has not spoken to me for a month out of the blue, quite suddenly after saying she thought I was such a good friend for offering to help her manage after surgery. Mum C tells me that I’ve also been left out of playdates organised by A and B, which has now escalated to a soft play thing attended by most of their little school.

C also tells me that B said A isn’t fond of me, so that’s why I wasn’t invited, and she apparently pulled a face when my name came up.

I’M pretty shocked, as I honestly haven’t even had enough contact with her beyond the initial politeness to offend her. But her not liking me for some arbitrary reason is one thing. My son missing these dates because he’s being deliberately blocked by her is something else.

i’m livid. I can’t understand how a mum can be so horrible that she’s leaving out a two year old little boy who would have loved to see his friends over the holidays. I don’t understand how mum B thinks this is fine and has now dropped too. I don’t know the other mums well enough for play dates, but mum C had a bit of an altercation with them over it and now feels sidelined too.

i don’t know how to handle it. My first instinct is to bowl over there as soon as I see them next week, but am wondering if this is unreasonable. I think It’s outrageous. It’s bitchy. And what’s the reason for it, when we are going to see each other most days for the next two years at least???

Why do people do this??? Haven’t we all
got enough to contend with? What do you guys think?

No I didn't, because she kept changing her description of how many children had been invited to the soft play to make it sound worse, as I pointed out in a previous comment.

A is judgemental or insecure. That's fine. We don't have to like everybody. That's more her problem though. It's probably easier for B to appease A than you, so just goes along with it. C may or may not be a stirrer. If you like B, then arrange a playdate with them on your own. Also arrange separate playdates with C.

If you "bowl over there" I don't think that will help. For 2 year olds the play dates are more about who the parents like in my experience. I am more likely to arrange play dates with parents I enjoy talking to and there are some mums who I haven't clicked with and wouldn't want to invite out with us as we don't have much to talk about. It doesn't mean I don't like them. If you had play dates with C before can't you just do that?

It's not nice but if it is down to A not wanting to invite you, you can't do anything about that, and if B is willing to go along with what B says either because A and B are close or because B also doesn't want to spend time with you then you can't really do much about that either.

I don't think C is automatically a stirrer, depends on the context of her telling you A is doing this. She sounds more loyal to me, it sounds like you've clocked what's going on and she has confirmed it as she prefers you, although I would still be careful what you say to her if she has a foot in both camps so to speak.

A is a playground queen bee. Pathetic. B seems weak willed, which is even more pathetic. They're obviously allowed to dislike you and choose their own friends but it's the way they're doing so. Ironically if I wasn't overly keen on someone I'd be inviting them in a big group where I could possibly avoid them socially without being obviously exclusionary. The fact she's not bothered belies the playground attitude.

Fwiw, I'd avoid B and A. Don't hide, just don't stroll up for a chat. Be busy, chat to someone else, use that time to listen to a podcast or regularly call your mum. Nod, smile, say hi, be polite if you do see them - just don't stop and try to engage beyond a remark about the weather. If you're never anything but gracious, it's hard for them be anything other than polite back without looking bad.

What I might do though is get C to send you screenshots if you think she won't then tell everyone. This way if unpleasantness does start to to spill over to the kids themselves, keep a log of anything said or done amongst the dc and present it to the nursery school as so awkward, you must say something for little Timmys sake. You can say it looks like little A and B are just following their mums leads and say you've been informed in the course of everything that has been going on that bitchface and shit head don't like you and are vocal and proactive about it. Reinforce that you don't know why, you try not to get involved as a friendly, polite adult who has grown beyond puerile playground games, but you have been informed of this and you've been shown screenshots of messages proving it, and you feel you should mention it as it is clearly now affecting the children.

I've been disliked by someone in a group of 5. I killed with politeness. I never assumed the 3 in the middle were stirrers if they acknowledged it - they weren't blind so it would be weird if they didn't. Fair enough she didn't like me but I decided being extremely polite would show her up if she was stupid enough to be rude in public when we were thrown together; it looked indefensible. My only issue with her was that she had one with me and I obviously didn't like the way she treated me as a result!

Well, I guess playground behavior comes largely from the parents. They are excluding other parents and so the kids just continue that behavior amongst themselves.

But not everyone in life is your friend .
You must have people you dislike for whatever reason.
Is he your only child?

YANBU to be annoyed by it and you’re right, it’s not fair on your son, but at that age play dates are more about which parents get on well than which children. So as opposed to them arranging play dates for the children, they’re arranging to meet each other as friends and the kids will play while they have a catch up. If A doesn’t like you (for whatever reason), she’s not going to invite you for a catch up.

At that age it’s not about the kids, it’s about parental friendships. A and B are perfectly entitled to want to distance themselves from you. It’s bitchy to block you from bigger meet ups, but if they are like that, then you don’t want to be friends with them anyway.
Be pleased you’ve found a good friend in C and continue to forge your own friendships with others. Maybe smaller group gatherings, with people that C gets on well with from the main group?

I think C is a shit-stirrer

A&B probably know that too.

None of these people sound like more than newish acquaintances of yours, so there's no earthly reason to expect them to include you every time. And as your reaction is that they're mean for excluding a 2 year old; possibly they have picked up on other thoughts/comments from you like this one, and think you tend to stir shit). So they might think you're like C, and that's fine for casual encounters, but not someone they want to be closer too.

They're not though are they?

From mum As point of view. She met some new people. Really liked B. Didn't gel with OP. Thought she'd like to get to know B more. So organised a 121 with her.

Actually mum C is a friend of mine now

Mum C is not your friend.

I wouldn't organise a soft play date with a mum I don't like. Those things are as much about having a coffee and catch up with the mum as they are the kids playing. You won't get invited to everything. Organise your own play date.

I would be wary that what you’re saying to mum C could also be going back to A and B. If she’s a good friend to you, great, I would just not say too much more to C about A and B. Try and talk about other stuff.

It’s nice she stood up for you, and her going back to A and B might be well-intentioned, but honestly could just stir up more trouble.

Do nothing is always the best policy with this stuff. Having a go at people always looks unhinged.

Prepare yourself OP. There is a group of mums for whom the school years are all about creating a cliquey friendship group for themselves.

The good news is that 2 year olds really don’t care about play dates. They’d rather be with you. Enjoy these years while they last! When your DC is a bit older you can be the instigator of play dates where you only have to entertain the kids, not the mums!

Dont engage, rise above it. Model healthy friendships for your DC with people you genuinely like, not just those who have a kid the same age. Before you know it they’ll be at secondary school making their own friends and leaving parents out of it - thank god!

Your child is 2 so will have no idea if they were at an event or not and won’t care.

The women in question sound like they have the maturity level of two year olds as well so I wouldn’t give them another thought. (Do get it’s upsetting to be excluded though).

Now let’s all focus on the important matter of whether can call nursery ‘school’ or not 🤔

Don't send text messages, or have face to face conversations about any of this with A or B and definitely don't involve the school! The suggestion by another poster to ask school to remind parents how to behave would put you firmly in the unhinged corner.

Friend C has made you aware of what's going on so just smile and nod. Keep calm and carry on.

FYI the cliquey mums at my child's primary school were off the scale. The drama was laughable. I made friends with the 'uncool' mums. We're all still friends even though our kids are in college. The cliquey mums haven't done so well and their offspring aren't liked by their peers. I guess there'll be the next group of cliquey mums.

As I always said to my child throughout school (when the drama was being played out). Come back when you're 21 and let's see where we all are...

I agree with the posters who have said to be wary of c. I also wonder if c has filtered information about you to a) to cause this dislike.

It’s possible that a) just doesn’t like you and the commentary about “she doesn’t like you and doesn’t have to” is just basically rationale for this elitist and overly privileged world we live in & justifying who you’re friends with based on wealth & looks & superficial qualities. Your greatest offence is probably wearing a puffer jacket that is the wrong brand.

It’s easy to say “just move on” but being a human let alone a Mother with a young child is an isolating experience. You now have to go and start fresh making friends and a network is integral to your mental health, and happiness & you’re part of your toddler’s picture. Your network and how your coping will influence your child so it would be nice if women in general had a kinder outlook and sense of community/humanity rather than just looking out for themselves and “their rights”.

Yes, I think as women we have a right to choose our friends. Yes you even have a right to use any social power you have to cut out exclude and ostracise another Mother.

You also don’t have to be kind to people and it’s not your job to include everyone.

Yes you can choose your friends by whatever criteria you want - how they roll their ‘r’s, whether they wear Boden.

Howeever where do we draw the line ?
*trigger warning - we don’t want to talk about the women who end up isolated, abused, depressed, suicidal and without a network or support because of these attitudes - because we as women think it’s every woman for herself and if you don’t fit in then too bad.

What’s the line between having a right and just being a plain old c—t that is quick to judge ? Superficial ? And self important ?

Not Everyone but generally speaking…

I think women and motherhood is just sickly with superficiality in general. There is no kindness or charity or open mindedness. That’s what I think.

The world and motherhood would be a kinder and better place if in general we all did a bit better as human beings.

Friend b & c don’t have a backbone and are just as guilty. Many women are like this - only concerned with their position. If they stood up for you then friend a) would have to practice tolerance/being a decent human being and might actually find some similarities and qualities to like about you.

You’ll find that a lot of people may mature physically but their brain is still in playground mode. Grow a thick skin because it will happen over and over and you must not let the fear of missing out take hold. Your son will not be scarred by missions out on a few play dates but he will pick up on your anxiety, so relax and do the stuff that makes YOU happy.

You talk about being busy with work; getting drawn into nonsense about people who are basically strangers is not the best use of that time. If they want to be petty, let them. People like that don’t change so having it out, or going over all the details, is pointless.

It’s really trite but I try to live by the Michelle Obama quote “when they go low, we go high”. Killing people with kindness is easier, more positive for your emotional wellbeing and it earns you respect from others (and models good behaviours).

I could have written this 15 years ago. I played the long game, smiled and nodded and made plenty of friends, many of whom are still my good friends now. Including my 'friend C' who told me what was going on because she didn't want me to make a fool of myself. She was, and is, a great friend to me.

Ironically the equivalent friends 'A & B' from my time in this situation, had fallen out with just about every mum at our small village school by the time their DCs left, including each other.

This. Just leave it. This is such a long game. They probably won't even be friends in a few years. Just find some new friends. Honestly 2 year olds have little concept of friendships they will play with whoever is available. Just make other arrangements.

When i read the thread title OP I thought you meant YOUR mum was blocking your 2 yo’s play dates !!

Sorry , will read now and give opinion

My two are much older and arrange their own playdates now. I would cultivate a benign detachment and let it go. I can guarantee that when your DS hits school, there will be a lot of falling out/making up, and play will occur outside of school hours at various clubs, activities, or wrap-around care sessions. You will barely remember this.

Hi OP - I’ve just read your original post

I totally sympathise because I’d feel put out by what A & B have done especially A’s seemingly irrational dislike of you. I’d feel bad about it and upset.

However, my advice is DO NOT bowl over to them and confront them. Your DC can have much broader social experiences than just this pathetic narrow minded group