Mum is blocking my 2yo’s invites to play dates

[SerialLurker997]

Hey guys. Can’t believe I’m 30 years of age and posting this as I thought left the playground behind a long time ago. Long story short, three other mums and I have been for a couple of breakfasts after the school run. I knew two of the mums pretty well but another mum A not so much.

I have been for play dates at mum B’s house and met mum C socially as our husbands seem to get on well. Mum A didn’t seem interested in knowing me, but I didn’t think much of this. We’re busy, right?

Anyway, mum B has not spoken to me for a month out of the blue, quite suddenly after saying she thought I was such a good friend for offering to help her manage after surgery. Mum C tells me that I’ve also been left out of playdates organised by A and B, which has now escalated to a soft play thing attended by most of their little school.

C also tells me that B said A isn’t fond of me, so that’s why I wasn’t invited, and she apparently pulled a face when my name came up.

I’M pretty shocked, as I honestly haven’t even had enough contact with her beyond the initial politeness to offend her. But her not liking me for some arbitrary reason is one thing. My son missing these dates because he’s being deliberately blocked by her is something else.

i’m livid. I can’t understand how a mum can be so horrible that she’s leaving out a two year old little boy who would have loved to see his friends over the holidays. I don’t understand how mum B thinks this is fine and has now dropped too. I don’t know the other mums well enough for play dates, but mum C had a bit of an altercation with them over it and now feels sidelined too.

i don’t know how to handle it. My first instinct is to bowl over there as soon as I see them next week, but am wondering if this is unreasonable. I think It’s outrageous. It’s bitchy. And what’s the reason for it, when we are going to see each other most days for the next two years at least???

Why do people do this??? Haven’t we all
got enough to contend with? What do you guys think?

Also when is your little one turning 3? You could organise a class party and get some other parents numbers that way (by adding your number to the RSVP). And don’t invite mum A -just kidding

True true

Try not to get too het up about this.

Firstly, at 2 years old, play dates are more about Mums than they are lthe kids. Little kids that age don't really play together very much, it's more they play alongside each other. All they need is a loving, present primary caregiver. It's the mums who benefit from social support.

Also, you have no idea of what's actually going on behind the scenes here. You have no idea of what Mum A's motivation is. Anything could be going on for her or it could be that she just doesn't like you. This might not be pleasant to realise but it is inevitable that we can't like everyone we meet.

Similarly Mum B - a month isn't long to stay out of touch with a newish friend. Particularly over Christmas. Try not to read too much into it. If you like her and value her company talk to her normally and maybe offer up a new play date arrangement.

Finally Mum C. What a stirring bitch - what possible good could it do you to know that someone had an unpleasant expression on her face when your name was mentioned?
Assuming it's true that this expression happened it could have been indicative of indigestion or an unconnected random thought, rather than an opinion of you. Even if Mum C is right in her intuition that Mum A dislikes you, what is her motivation for passing it on? To make you feel bad? To drive a wedge between you and the other mums?

Do not trust Mum C. If she is telling you unsubstantiated tales about mutual casual friends you can be sure she will also be passing on anything you say as well.

Chill out. The beauty of adult playground relationships is that they are only a small part of your life, not your whole world. Stay calm, friendly and open and as well as realising not everyone is going to be a BFF or even a Casual FF you will make some solid friendships. I'm in my sixties now and some of my closest friends are onetime school mums.

I don’t agree that C is necessarily a stirrer. If she if your friend she is being put in a difficult situation. How long would you expect her to remain silent and how awkward would it be for her when you did find out had she not told you?

Overall, this is common, when you have a child you are right back in the playground with them and when you first encounter this behaviour it is quite gobsmacking that an adult would behave in such a way as to exclude a child (thankfully your child is too young to understand, it’s harder later).

But as mentioned above, do not engage, it’s nearly always a mistake.

Because your child is a toddler, therefore not at school!

😂😂 he’s 3 in September. Good idea!! I will do that because it will capture any new kids too. Incidentally mum C did a party last year and mum B made some really rude comments about her home to my husband. We didn’t put two and two together until recently when my husband was like ‘I’m pretty sure it was mum B who made those comments last year’

If you have it out with them, you'll just give them more ammunition to convince them they're right to step back from you.
They've made their choice to step back so anything further from you is a reflection on you.

Because 2 year olds don't go to school.

Okay well we refer to it as a school and the school refers to itself as a school so there you go? Not sure of the relevance of this to be honest

Ah that is weird. In that case I’d be direct and send her a message asking if all is ok. If she still doesn’t reply then just leave it and just be polite, breezy and too busy to chat if you see them. And try and organise some big get together (birthday party is good) where you invite the whole class. Even if you hear back from a few, you have some of the other numbers.

I don’t think calling out bad behaviour is a reflection on me actually? Unless I do it in an unacceptable way of course

You can’t force people to like you or be your friend. You say you went on a few breakfasts with these mums and then they just stopped inviting you. They were hardly more than aqaintences. Don’t take it personally - you have to understand in life that you don’t like everyone you meet in the world, and not everyone you meet will like you.

It doesn’t mean they are being bitchy, just because they went for a couple of brunches with you but then decided that they didn’t gel well enough with you to progress it into a friendship.

Mum A and B just didn’t get on that great with you after a couple of brunches and decided not to pursue a friendship.

Mum C is a bit of a stirrer.

Make new friends.

Girls - thanks so much. I’ve got to go and actually do some work now but I appreciate the time taken for all the replies and definitely needed the reality check to just call the fuck down and get taking to other mums for play dates 😂

Mom A is a ‘bitch wedge’

Mom C called this out and eventually Mom B will realise

Concentrate on extending your polite friendly self amongst others who are more deserving.

Be proactive and set up your own play dates

Personally I’d not want my child to nurture long term friendships going up through primary with these people if that’s how the parent is.

Your child is not at school.

I have no idea why you think they are.

this term ‘bitch wedge’ just made me cackle 😂 you’re right thank you

Weird why you care about the exact turn of phrase? Is this a regional thing because we all call it a school…so can we just ‘insert preferred word’ and leave it there? Jeez

I think it must be awful to be on the receiving end of this. However it might not be as malicious as it feels. Yes it's awful that she doesnt like you for no reason, but honestly sometimes don't we all find some people not our cup of tea, for whatever reason ? (Jelousy more often than not). Similarly as parents to small children, we don't always have that much time for socialising so when you do get a bit of time, it can be pretty draining to have to spend it with someone you're not that keen on.

I wouldn't go and confront, I'd kill with kindness. At the very least, if she is the sort to bad mouth you, people can look confused because you're so nice.

Don't bother with any of them. They sound like silly schoolgirls. Certainly don't stoop to having a go at them.

She can only block invites she was going to send out / make. She can only attempt to influence others - worked with B, failed either C

anything else is down to you and your child’s behaviour

Your child is 2 years old, they won't know or care at this point that they aren't being invited to all the play dates. As they get older children form their own friendships and you become facilitators, ie it becomes less and less dependent on your relationship between the parents. I am mildly warm acquaintances with my DDs friends parents, enough to small chat at parties, sports day etc and happy to make arrangements for play dates but nothing more. No drama, no fuss.

It's not a school run it's nursery drop off and it does make a difference because the child is TWO.

Two year olds do not have friends, they play alongside other children. Two year olds do don't chat about their playdates and have FOMO.

Ten year olds at school have friends and ten year olds are very aware when they are being excluded.

This is about you and probably insecurities from school and projecting that on to your toddler. Nobody owes you their friendship, people particularly during them initial PFB star can take a dislike to you for all sorts of reasons or Mum C is stirring.
Just drop your child off and go about your day and find Mum friends in other places. The likelihood is that you won't see them much after they leave nursery whereas if they were at actual school they would have 7 or so years together.

My child’s behaviour???

Ok thanks guys, I’m going to step back from this thread now. Seems like an even split on the poll but as I said above I appreciate the calmness of most of the comments and I will be taking them on board

I remember being so shocked at the school parent bitchiness when it happened ! It wasn’t all through school tho and some relationships were incredibly supportive and really helped me.
two rules I lived by were - first, I never bitched I just changed subject and tried to be polite and friendly to everyone. Second - tried to organise and include as many people or whole class in the early days of parties so I could get to know as many parents as possible. I do still have some good friends from DC school days but made these over time.

Mums A & B can meet up without you, without that being about you.

However, you can also meet up with Mum B without Mum A, if Mum B wants to - make your own plans with her and/or Mum C, with you extending the invitations on your terms.