Mum is blocking my 2yo’s invites to play dates

[SerialLurker997]

Hey guys. Can’t believe I’m 30 years of age and posting this as I thought left the playground behind a long time ago. Long story short, three other mums and I have been for a couple of breakfasts after the school run. I knew two of the mums pretty well but another mum A not so much.

I have been for play dates at mum B’s house and met mum C socially as our husbands seem to get on well. Mum A didn’t seem interested in knowing me, but I didn’t think much of this. We’re busy, right?

Anyway, mum B has not spoken to me for a month out of the blue, quite suddenly after saying she thought I was such a good friend for offering to help her manage after surgery. Mum C tells me that I’ve also been left out of playdates organised by A and B, which has now escalated to a soft play thing attended by most of their little school.

C also tells me that B said A isn’t fond of me, so that’s why I wasn’t invited, and she apparently pulled a face when my name came up.

I’M pretty shocked, as I honestly haven’t even had enough contact with her beyond the initial politeness to offend her. But her not liking me for some arbitrary reason is one thing. My son missing these dates because he’s being deliberately blocked by her is something else.

i’m livid. I can’t understand how a mum can be so horrible that she’s leaving out a two year old little boy who would have loved to see his friends over the holidays. I don’t understand how mum B thinks this is fine and has now dropped too. I don’t know the other mums well enough for play dates, but mum C had a bit of an altercation with them over it and now feels sidelined too.

i don’t know how to handle it. My first instinct is to bowl over there as soon as I see them next week, but am wondering if this is unreasonable. I think It’s outrageous. It’s bitchy. And what’s the reason for it, when we are going to see each other most days for the next two years at least???

Why do people do this??? Haven’t we all
got enough to contend with? What do you guys think?

and has shown OP proof of A and B's messages moaning at her for sticking up for OP.

Yeah, that's not what a good friend does.

I thought this, surely C is being a friend.
I've seen threads were people are wondering why they are being excluded and want to know why.
Is friend C meant to keep quiet even though she knows the reason and OP is asking her?

Can you have a word with the school that whole class meet ups for 3 classes are being organised and your child was left out?

The school should send a email / letter reminding parents that excluding children is not allowed in this way.

Bleeghhh I was so happy when my dc left to go to secondary school and I no longer had to stand in a playground full of parents. I'm sure the kids were nicer and kinder than their parents most of the time.

In your shoes I'd just ignore A and B, keep your friendship with C but try not to get into too many gossip sessions about A and B unless you completely trust her. Start to widen your friendship circle and avoid the cliques.

By the end of my time at primary school I had 2 good friendships out of it, who I still socialise with now. The rest I never speak to or hear about. My dc don't talk to anyone they went to primary with and have good friendships made in secondary and college.

Standard! There are always a few like this. It's very off putting.

Difficult as it is, say nothing. They would be delighted to get a rise out of you.

I'd stick with C and completely ignore the other two. Grey rock. They're not the be all and end all. Make sure you initiate your own playdates and meet ups. A is probably feeling threatened by you for some reason and B needs to grow a backbone.
IME, people like this always end up the losers as other people start to see their true colours and back off. My money is on A and B having a big bust up and B trying to get back in with you and C. Either way, fuck em. Do your own thing.

Well you're human and I think when you have kids it's easy to get wrapped up in the people you find in your immediate environment and so you want them to like you. They are people who are easy and convenient to spend time with because you're at the same stage of life with kids the same age and you find yourself at the same time, same place every day with these people. Sometimes you get lucky and get to find a genuine connection based on personal interests but that doesn't always happen.

@SerialLurker997 my DC are close to your age now. Looking back, their transitions through nursery, primary and senior schools were all relatively brief.

I have no memories of any of the nursery mothers and dd, she was there until 4, remembers only one child. DS remembers no children from nursery.

The bitch pond for us was the leafy, lovely cofe primary. DS had a close circle of alpha boys but the mothers were awful. As the boys went up the school some of them became awful. Their behaviour was no dissimilar to their parents. DD had a much nicer year group. Cohorts differ.

DH left aged 8, DD aged 11. The bitch pond dilutes as they get older because parents stop organising play dates.

One friendship between parents endured. Interestingly it's DH who occasionally has a beer with DS's cricket dads.

Smile and drop op. Tinkly laugh. Keep interactions to those which are necessary and don't get invested. The parents of your DC's friends are not your friends and the petty jealousies that existed in the upper thirds persist into adulthood. Just like in the upper third (Y8 nowadays) hear all, see all, say nowt.

Is the fact your child will go to preprep and maybe you are more affluent than Mum A part of the issue? Ie jealousy?

Are there other activities you can do when DS is not in nursery where you can meet other mums? RugbyTots and Playball were great fun for both my kids when they were 2/3y as they are all about socialising (sharing, following instructions, turn taking) whilst running off some energy. At that age the mum often take part or watch from the sidelines and if the setting is at a local gym they often get together for coffee afterwards in the cafe?

I would make a real point of reaching out to others - even if you don't know them now, MAKE yourself know them.

Set up a little group to go to the park with them or whatever and then last minute ask mum A and B, so they either have to accept your invitation (which is a bit of a climbdown) or refuse and let their children miss out.

I'm 3 kids down and although i haven't had exactly this sort of thing, it goes on (and gets better as you'll find your tribe - and more importantly, so will your child).

Organise your own things and invite everyone. Ignore her.

Mean girls don't just disappear, I'm afraid.

It's very depressing but some people just have to play power games long after they've left school, and if the only arena for them is the school gate then that's where you'll feel it. I'm old, but I remember observing this kind of thing and that's why I think the sitcom 'Motherland' is a work of genius.

I had some great mum friends when my children were young - but I was happy not to be part of the cool gang. My lovely reliable non-bitchy mates were definitely not the alpha mums and we still see each other now!

I don't think this is ok.
Mum C shouldn't be sending you screenshots of conversations she's having with other people.
This whole situation seems to have gotten toxic.

At age 2 they don't have friends.

If they were 5/6+ I could understand.

But this is a group you've formed for you.

Are there any other mums you could meet up with?

I do understand how you feel and we go crazy when it comes to our kids.

Could you text mum B and ask if everything is ok?

In my experience the mums who are still mean girls when they have children of their own are the ones who don't have much else going on in their lives.

If you have a high powered career you don't have time for this sort of petty shit. Not at the school gates anyway.

And pretty much guarantee that D E F et al will avoid you as well!

I’m not quite sure why C didn’t just invite you along to the big softplay meet up. It wasn’t anyone’s party, she could have just given you the details, wouldn’t it have made sense for her to just add you on rather than arguing with A about why you had been missed off??

Anyway I think in your shoes I’d ask C to add my number now to the big WhatsApp that was set up for the softplay meet up. That way you’ll know about future meet ups organised via that channel. I know A could just set up a new WhatsApp without you, but that will look extra bitchy.

The key thing is to keep being friendly and nice yourself. Moral high ground and all that.

oh ffs will you shut up about whether it's school or not, just bore off

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine Don't be daft. You know exactly what OP meant.

And this is why I just don't bother with school mums tbh. I have two school mum friends and only do one on one play dates. If my child wants to invite then I ask. I don't bother myself with school run politics as I can,'t stand the pettyness and cliques that school mum adults seem to want to play. You will eventually find a couple of people you like and that will be enough. Sorry you got mixed up in this idiotic thing.

Kill them with kindness, that's what I'd do. Ensures everyone knows you're the better person and makes her look bad for hating you!

Yeah. I watched enough friendship groups in school and college and as a new mum to know that when you are friends with a couple of people and someone comes along, and for no apparent reason the others suddenly withdraw from you and the new person starts giving you their support and telling you that the others hate you, slag you off, don't want anything to do with you and new friend tells you how they valiantly defended you while the others were saying all these horrible things...
And the only evidence you have is what this person is claiming the others said - they haven't said it to you, you haven't overheard them, all of a sudden they go from friendly to ice cold and bam there's C telling you why...

there's a very high probability C is involved.

Upside of being a Johnny no mates as a kid. You get to watch it all play out. watching from the periphery you get to hear that person saying to one group that X doesn't like them and when X was saying x, y, z they intervened then going to Xand saying all the same stuff.

Mum C is your biggest issue here.

Was coming on to say the same. It’s interesting that now she’s fallen out with A, that you’re hearing stuff apparently said about you.

An old friend did this to me after she fell out with someone. Apparently the mutual person had never liked me. ‘Friend’ was clearly cool with this until she also fell out with mutual. I never trusted her again.

Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you: you learn to use capital letters and full stops, and I'll 'bore off'.