Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it's pretty typical to attend the funeral of your DIL's mother, yes. You can of course step outside that etiquette but your MIL will be offended and the relationship may suffer. Depends whether you think it's worth that.

Whats your relationship with your MIL?

I’m from a large Catholic family, it’s seen as a sign of respect to the person and the family to pay your respects (and it’s quite often a decent party/reunion).

Unless you’ve got a particularly difficult relationship with a massive backstory you can’t really bar someone from paying their respects.

So sorry for your loss.

I understand you're upset but I really don't think it's unusual or strange that your mil would want to attend.

Does it really matter? I feel like sometimes when we're feeling upset, we can often focus on the wrong things as a sort of distraction?

I‘m from a large Catholic family. The kind where your cousin’s hairdresser’s niece is supposed to be at the funeral. My mother hated that.

in particular, my mother felt so strongly about her MIL, my grandmother, not attending the funeral, that we held the entire thing at a private club. It was invitation only and yes the grieving widower’s mother was not invited. He wasn’t thrilled, but he followed her last wish.

Hmm - they go to funerals of literally anyone they vaguely know in DH’s family. In mine, we don’t, it has to be close.
I don’t like MiL, mum didn’t like her but we are polite and tolerant as we don’t see her much. She won’t know anybody there except me and DH - I don’t want her so he will have to spend the whole time with her. She won’t miss my mum, she doesn’t really know her, she just likes to make everything about her. I don’t want her there like some sort of spectator to our grief.

I could have written this a few years ago and got her to look after the kids instead as I didn’t want them coming. Don’t know if that’s a possibility?

YABVU. Your MIL is your DHs close family, therefore your family. Its completely normal for a MIL to pay their respects.

It's not a spectator sport, it's a genuine show of respect and very much the done thing for them.

This is a good idea.

Give her a job. Babysitting, catering the wake, whatever. Something time-consuming and somewhere else.

But also, don't focus on this. It only matters if it matters. You can tell DH that his job at the funeral will be to look after you, and yours will be to grieve. So MIL will not be looked after.

If it helps, there is protocol for the more distant people and big funerals. You sit towards the back. You don’t hog the time of the primary mourners. If you see a way to be helpful you do it quietly and then step back. Your job is to fill the pews and show how much the community loved the deceased.

When my mum died the funeral was small and invitation only. My in-laws wanted to come but I just said they didn’t need to.

Sorry for your loss, I think it’s pretty normal for in laws to go to a funeral - it’s.a sign of respect for your family.

I felt the same and made it clear that I didn’t feel I would have the emotional or physical energy to deal with the ILs being there - it was 2 hours from where they live, they don’t like driving, especially rurally and they wouldn’t know anyone other than myself, DH and our dc who were my priorities that day.

They still came and tbh it was just as bad as I’d expected. They weren’t close to my relative and I still feel let down that they ignored my feelings.

Some vaguely related catholics suggested coming to my DF’s CofE funeral and I was furious. They didn’t know him and hadn’t met him - they were related to a relative’s boyfriend - so as far as I was concerned they weren’t welcome. But this is your MIL. I think there is a close enough link to warrant her paying her respects. Grief makes you lose perspective and I think YABU.

No, she’s really not my family. I have never ever felt that. She doesn’t give my DC Christmas presents or show any interest in them. My mum had all of them 0-3yrs whilst I worked and showered them with love. Mil turns up near HER birthday to get a treat meal and gift from DH.
If she comes to the funeral, it will be to please her and DH, against the desire of me and I think my mum. That doesn’t seem right.

I’m on OP side here. My mother and MIL have never met so the same scenario wouldn’t happen with me however it doesn’t seem like their relationship in your case is that much different. I’d find it weird if MIL attended my mother’s funeral or vice versa.

It’s entirely up to you. If it’s a small, intimate funeral as you say then you’re entitled to request that it’s just close friends and immediate family there. Your mother-in-law was not your mother’s immediate family, so wouldn’t attend. Your husband should be more concerned about you, his wife and a grieving daughter, than his mother, who had no relationship with your mother.

I would speak directly to her, rather than via your husband, and explain the above, and perhaps also mention that whilst you would like her there (a small white lie), there are others who you’ve said no to and it wouldn’t be fair on them. However you really appreciate her sympathy and you’re very grateful for her support. Be so nice about it that she can’t push back.

In most cases it would be considered rude for your mother in law NOT to attend. It is certainly unforgivably rude to her and to your husband to tell her she is not invited.

YABVVU

It's the norm for in laws to attend the funeral of the parents of their child's spouse.

You may not like her but she is trying to do the right thing.

Did you elope with my party afterwards? Because I would have thought never meeting is quite unusual.

Both perspectives are valid so why are you accusing her of wanting to come to gawp?

I wanted to got to the funeral of DILs grandfather who I'd met only a few times but liked enormously, but they wanted family and friends only so I didn't. I feel sad I wasn't able to pay my respects but it wouldn't have been of any benefit to anyone else for me to be there. On the other hand, my own grandfather had a huge funeral, complete surprise to us, and it was comforting to know that so many people cared enough to want to come.

Yes but what about ‘the done thing’ for me and my mother? It’s our farewell, it’s going to be emotional and raw and I’d like it without her there. She won’t know anybody so that means that DH is with her all day instead of supporting me.

I think you need to make it clear to your husband’s that you will need him, he won’t be able to tend to his mum, so long as both of them understand that then let her come.

my mum died many years ago now, I wanted and expected a small gathering though my dad said that I lot will be there I didn’t see how. I was shocked to find that it was standing room at the church and the number who came back to the house was beyond anything I would think, easily over 100 to the house. I was totally overwhelmed and went and hide in her bedroom. To this day I can’t remember who was there, the day passed in a blur.

i think what I’m trying to say is, so long as you have your husband’s support then I wouldn’t worry. Just get through the day as best as you can. In the end it doesn’t really matter it’s just about you and your close family and your mum, anyone else there will just pale in the background.

You need your DH to step up here. He needs to assure you, and his mother, that you will be the sole focus of his attention on the day. Once she understands she will be completely on her own for the day she probably won't want to go, but if she does it'll be of no consequence to you.

Tell your DH that this is about saying goodbye to your mum, not about him or his family. She isn’t part of it, and to please not invite her as she will be asked to leave. Then don’t discuss it again.